beneath the shadows

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*its a first for me*


A crude neon sign illuminated the bar’s given name, “the shadow’s sanctum.” It was a simple homely bar, where mostly simple men coming home from a day’s work would come to get a nice drink of cool beer. Music from thirty years ago played its squeaky tune from a glowing jukebox. It was as simple as it could get. It was the perfect place to rest, and the perfect target for them.

Business was running slow that night, and Kyle was debating closing up early. No one was really there today, except for the usual drunks and Sirion. Kyle looked back into the corner, spying on Sirion’s still figure. A black button-up shirt covered his chest, with a thin metal chain hanging over it from his neck. His equally dark pants were wrapped around several times with black straps, weaving in and out of the pant legs. Donned on his shoulders was a thick black leather coat, reaching all the way down to his feet. His jet-black hair was matted down, reaching just above his shoulders. His eyes were dark and cold, glittering crimson. The only thing that wasn’t black about him was his skin. It was as pale as the moon that shown in the window. Kyle shook his head. Sirion sure was a mysterious one, and a dangerous one at that, but he was a good customer.

Kyle looked nervously at the double-ended spear gripped in Sirion’s hands. He had gotten personal permission from the owner of The Shadow’s Sanctum to be able to have a weapon. The only one, in fact. Sure, Kyle didn’t mind that Sirion could bring in a weapon; he would protect the bar, if need be. It was the weapon that he always brought with him that intimidated him. The spear was double-ended, with a blade on each end. The blades were long and sharp, with a black tint to them. The blades then connected into a metal pole, shaped with eerie designs and patterns. Black and red lines twisted and turned across each other, until meeting in the middle, where the two shaped one huge swirling design wrapping all around the middle of the pole. Kyle didn’t know why, but he got a cold feeling every time he looked at that weapon.

Sirion caught Kyle looking at him. Kyle let out a light yelp, and returned to pouring beer for the other customers. Sirion chuckled, and continued to sip his own cup of beer.

The door the bar creaked open, and three dark-cloaked figures made their way into the building. The drunks ignored them, and continued the indiscreet rambling. The only ones to catch interest were Kyle and Sirion. Kyle smiled warmly as the figures sat down in front of him.

“What’ll it be? A nice, cold beer?”
Kyle started pulling out mugs. One of the men reached out and grabbed his arm.

“No.” he whispered.

Kyle was surprised for a moment, but nodded and replaced the mugs.
“okay… what do you want then?”

The figure pulled him closer. He flipped his hood off, exposing his dark red eyes.

“I want your blood!”

Fangs grew slowly out of his mouth. He laughed evilly. Kyle gasped, and tried to pull away.
“V-vampire!” he cried. The vampire laughed harder
.
“That’s right. And I’m a little thirsty. Xavier, Zane, hold him down!”
The other two men jumped onto Kyle, and pinned him to the counter. The leader pulled down Kyle’s shirt to expose his neck. The vampire bent down, his fangs dripping with anticipation. Kyle whimpered pathetically.

“Help me…” he moaned.

The drunks that had once occupied the tables now shook with terror as they disappeared out the door. The only one left was Sirion, still sipping his beer. The vampire’s fangs slowly started to push onto Kyle’s skin.

“I wouldn’t do that, if I were you.”
The vampire stopped, and looked up at the man in the corner. He looked at his partners, and nodded. The vampire tossed the frightened bartender aside, and slowly moved over to Sirion’s corner. The other two followed. They stood over Sirion like shadows, dark and foreboding. Sirion continued to drink his beer, ignoring the three figures before him. The leader grabbed the beer from His hand and threw it aside.

“Who the hell are you to be telling me what to do?”

Sirion stood up, and brought his spear with him. The vampires eyed it warily, their fists ready. Sirion silently walked over to his cup and picked it up. He then walked up to the counter and placed it in front of Kyle. He then turned back and faced the Vampires, exposing his full face to the creatures. A scar ran down his face and across his left eye, sealing it shut. A sudden familiarity ran through the vampires.

“A slayer of darkness living in darkness. A monster that kills his own kind. Sirion, the shadow slayer.” One of them muttered.

Sirion smiled. “A monster that kills his own kind? Interesting. Show me what you mean.”

Sirion lifted his spear and pointed it at the lead vampire. He stepped back hesitantly. Sirion chuckled.

“Are you really scared of me? After all, I am only one half-vampire, which should be no problem for three vampires such as yourselves.”

Xavier growled. “How dare you!”
The vampire lunged, his black claws reaching for Sirion’s throat. Sirion fell to the ground right before the vampire struck, and kicked his legs out. His feet connected with Xavier’s stomach, and launched the vampire into the wall of the bar. The other two launched on top of him. Sirion pushed his spear between them, and threw them to the side into a table. He rolled onto his feet, his spear ready. The three vampires, undaunted, leapt at Sirion, their hands thirsting for his blood. Coden thrust his spear out into the smaller vampire. The vampire let out a surprising gasp of pain as the spear shot through his body. A small trickle of black blood poured out of his chest. Sirion kicked the vampire off his spear.

“Have you ever seen the blood of your kind? People say there isn’t any vampire blood. This weapon proves them wrong.”

The vampire gasped for a few more desperate seconds of life, then went limp. The remaining two vampires stared in awe at Sirion. He raised his spear again. The vampires leapt back, frantically groping around for a weapon. The smaller of the two grabbed a beer bottle and broke it on the countertop. The bigger one snapped a leg off a table and wielded like a club. Sirion held his spear tighter.
“Bring it!”

The large vampire swung the table leg as the smaller vampire stabbed in with his broken bottle. They both hit open air. They looked around incredulously until the bigger one suddenly felt a sharp blade tickle his neck. He turned around, and found the vampire slayer standing with a spear pointed at his throat. He tumbled backwards, bringing his companion down with him. Sirion pointed the spear at the cowering figures.

“I don’t like killing unless absolutely necessary. So, I’ll spare your miserable lives. However, if I ever hear about a vampire attack anywhere around here, I will hunt you down and kill you. Now, take your friend and go.”

The vampires, stumbling and slipping, grabbed the body of their friend and disappeared out the door.

Sirion sighed, and pulled a small cloth out hidden beneath his shirt, and began to clean his spear off.

“Sorry about the mess, Kyle. But I think you will come to forgive me.”
He went back to the darkness he came from, with a very stunned barkeep rubbing his swelling throat.
if you were to die today, would you be able to tell yourself that you did everything you wanted and everything you could?
* * *
life is a puzzle. want to put it together with me?




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In general, this was a touch cliche with the setting of the bar, the dark, mysterious man whos drink gets spilt and the horrid, scary vampires disturbing the peace but parts of it were well written and you have a lot of potential here. Your description is detailed and very beautiful but it's a bit like a list. You mention a character's name and then plunge into a paragraph on him/her rather than dropping in a detail here and there. It seems to flow better like that.

Also, I think your dialogue needs work. I'd love to see more character interaction before the peace is disturbed. Have the bar tender exchange a few words with someone. It doesn't even have to be with Sirion. Maybe introduce a serving girl to the story? That could be an interesting character for the others to interact with.

Other than that, you have a good knowledge of punctuation, a variety of sentence lengths and you display the action well but here's a few suggestions you might want to think about -

Business was running slow that night, and Kyle was debating closing up early. [Perhaps considering rather than debating?]

It was as pale as the moon that shown in the window. [You mean shone first of all and probably through the window rather than 'in' but this is rather bland. Perhaps you could have something like 'I was as pale as the moonlight that seeped through the window, casting a dim glow across the tables.']

Sirion chuckled, and continued to sip his own cup of beer. [Why a cup of beer? It doesn't seem to fit with the setting or the character so perhaps change it to mug or glass? Or maybe even goblet.]

The door of the bar creaked open, and three dark-cloaked figures made their way into the building. The drunks ignored them, and continued their indiscreet rambling. [The entrance is a bit unoriginal. Why have them wearing dark cloaks? Why must all vampires wear dark cloaks? Why not have it as a surprise when he requests the bar tender's blood?]

He laughed evilly. [You'd be better to describe how he laughed, how it sounded. 'Evilly' isn't a real word and it's too vague. Does he have a low, booming laugh, a high pitched, manig laugh or perhaps he sniggers?]

The vampire laughed harder
. [You need to fix your grammar typo here...]

The vampire’s fangs slowly started to push [s]onto[/s] against Kyle’s skin.

The other two launched on top of him. [You've used launched in the sentence before this so perhaps pounced or leapt?]

The vampire let out a [s]surprising[/s] surprised gasp of pain as the spear shot through his body.

Sirion sighed, and pulled a small cloth out hidden beneath his shirt, and began to clean his spear off. [This is awkward. Maybe 'Sirion sighed and, pulling a small cloth from beneath his shirt, he wiped the blade of his spear.']

He went back to the darkness he came from, [s]with[/s] leaving a very stunned barkeeper rubbing his swelling throat.

Overall, good word choice, a pretty good start and if you tidy it up a bit and maybe make it a touch more unique, it has the potential to be great.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




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Oh boy. You got your eras mixed up. A neon sign over the bar, but the customers carry spears?
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

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Hey thanks for the critique. Just a quick note here, he has that spear for a reason. Few others are going to be carrying around medival weapons and rather will resort to large guns. But the reason he carries the spear is that it can actually kill a vampire (more to be explained)
if you were to die today, would you be able to tell yourself that you did everything you wanted and everything you could?
* * *
life is a puzzle. want to put it together with me?




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*

It was as pale as the moon that shown in the window.


Was the ‘shown’ supposed to be ‘shone’? This doesn’t make sense.

The spear was double-ended, with a blade on each end.


You’ve already said it was double-ended, perhaps you could use this to replace the first part so we know what this spear looks like: Kyle looked nervously at the weapon gripped in Sirion’s hand: a double-ended spear with a sharp blade on each end.

Sirion caught Kyle looking at him. Kyle let out a light yelp, and returned to pouring beer for the other customers.


Light yelp? You mean: little? If so you can just cut it out.

“No[.]” he whispered.



Comma not a period.


He laughed evilly.


Oh dear. This is definitely something you should not have, evil laughter done too many times before.

Sirion silently walked over to his cup and picked it up. He then walked up to the counter and placed it in front of Kyle. He then turned back and faced the Vampires, exposing his full face to the creatures. A scar ran down his face and across his left eye, sealing it shut.


This section follows the boring ‘he did this, he did that’ syntax when you could have got it over and done with. If he’s going to pick up his cup just say so rather than the long-winded version you have here.

“Are you really scared of me? After all, I am only one half-vampire, which should be no problem for three vampires such as yourselves.”


Not a big deal but ‘scared’ here doesn’t fit because he’s talking to adult vampires. Perhaps: afraid

Coden thrust his spear out into the smaller vampire.


Don’t you mean Sirion?

*

It would help if you numbered your chapters with the title. I didn’t realise this part preceded the chapter I critiqued yesterday.

As I mentioned in my review on chapter two you have a problem with capitalising and repeating yourself.

A bar isn’t just for fights or getting drunk, often people meet there and for those regulars it would be interesting to watch a new bunch of people who they’ve never seen before. Maybe you could have the regulars talking to Kyle instead or someone else who works at the bar? I’m sure Kyle wouldn’t work on his own but, since you mentioned it being a quite night, he could have sent the other barkeepers home? So the idea of Sirion against the vampires isn’t new and didn’t interest me.

Another thing I wanted to point out: Why do two of the vampires have to hold down Kyle while the leader attempts to drink? Being the leader he ought to be strong.

Is the lead vampire called Xavier? Because you had him saying:

Xavier, Zane, hold him down!

But when Sirion was fighting him you referred to the vampire as Xavier.

I think this section needed the characters to be more realistic. Sirion seems a little full of himself. At the moment Kyle is more realistic than anyone else put together. You have the reader connecting with him more than Sirion the life-saver.

Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'




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There were a few mistakes as the guys above pointed out, but overall a great story! Keep it up!
"Your Mother Was a Hamster! And Your Father Smelled of Elderberries!" ~~French Soldier, Monty Python and The Holy Grail.



I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
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