This place

I was bored and might be disturbing so yeah.

This place

I never thought,
That I would come
to this place,
A place of hell.

It is different
from any other place.
The burned out grass,
The wires above the wall.

Why am I so cruel to this place?
I mean,
I live in this prison.

It is a place that,
always takes the tiniest, smallest bit of life
A life of happiness.

But I can’t blame for this treatment.
I mean, I did take five peoples lives,
I did blow up a bus.
I did kidnapped a child.

Well I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on this place,
since it is the only home I actually had in,
How long?
My entire life.

This prison cell is the best home,
My only home…

It’s sad,
Because tomorrow I will leave this cell…

I will leave this world.

Personally, I think it sounds more ramble-y than poetic:

I mean, I did take five peoples lives,
I did blow up a bus.
I did kidnapped a child.

[side note: check spelling and verb tense before you post, please] The above doesn't really have any metaphor, no deeper meaning. Well, there might be a prison/hell metaphor/reference, but it's nothing new, nothing that hasn't been read before. Poetry at times, seems to be a game of seeing how many ways you can say something without giving away the actual meaning, and if you know what you're doing, wordplay will make it clever and interesting to read.

See what you might do to make this less of a story ramble and more of a game for the reader to play. I'd like to see what you can do with this challenge!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions,
-Amelia

I think you have an interesting take on it, the whole prison/only home thing. I actually love the idea of it, this murderer/kidnapper/arsonist feeling so sad about leaving the only home he's ever known, his cell. Work with it. Get deeper inside this guy's head than the surface thoughts, into his deeper emotions. He acts so tough and hard, but inside he's just like anyone else, attached to their home.

I think you could have gotten more across if you made your lines longer. This was choppy and short. Work with this. It's a great beginning.

Yes it is sorta creepy and dark very weird. You see his heart in a different way. But I don't think it is poetry.

No rythm
No flow

but props for orignality!

I have to say, I laughed when I read

I did kidnapped a child

The rest of it had some good ideas, but a poem is not ideas typed into a computer. This needs to be refined (and spellchecked) into a better work.

Hm.. It's a nice idea here but I think you could've written it a little better. I'm actually quite a fan of your work, you vary from a lot of different subjects and feelings and such and that's nice, and then most of your poems are actually really good.

This poem I wasn't so sure about the structure. I'm not sure why but to me it effects the flow and makes it non-poetic because the words are just... words. You get what I mean? There is no flow to it and it's just like a speech rather than a poem.

I also believe that all the way through the poem, you use the word 'place' too much and this seems such a shame because in doing this is makes the poem a drag to read and altogether it actually confused me a little. The worst part I could find where this was affecting was in the first stanza, as you have the word 'place' in the last three lines. This is bad because in your first stanza/lines/paragraph you need to have something that will make the reader think; oh, this looks like it;s going to be good - I better read on.

I think the use of the three periods at the ends of the lines nearing the end of the poem effects it slightly too, not only in the way that it is read but also in the appearance. Maybe just try one period or just go with another form of punctuation to create a longer pause than a comma, like a colon maybe? I'm not sure if that would be gramatically correct though, so check with someone before if you decide to act upon this.

Other than that, you have some good foundations here for another beautiful piece of writing.