Calik

This began as a short stroy for my friend. Plus i have never really read any fantasy stories were a black man was teh main character and i thought it should change.

****

Four black armoured men walked through the trees, peering into the gloom. All had long swords in their hands and all looked liked they knew how to use them. One of the men stopped and sat on a boulder. His companions looked back at him but he waved them on. They smiled and walked on. He had built up a reputation with them as being a lazy one, and truth be told they didn’t mind it too much. He always picked good horses and dealt good hands.

The man removed his helmet and ran his fingers through his hair sighing. It was hot and there wasn’t even a hint of a breeze in this damned forest. They had been out since dawn searching for the murderer without even a trace of him.

A shadow flitted between the trees. Leaping to his feet and grabbing his sword he looked about. A rustle came from behind him and he spun. A large bush was swaying. Letting out a war cry he hacked at the bush. Bits of twigs and leaves were thick in the air. After a few more seconds the man stopped. He could see a dead fox lying in the bush.

He felt a sharp stabbing pain in his lower back.

“Wrong bush my friend.”

A tall black man removed his dagger from the soldier’s spine. He crumpled to the floor and jerk once. The black man knelt beside him and removed the longsword from his hand and began unbuckling the belt that held the scabbard.

“You should not have come.” He whispered. “It was a mistake.”

The black man’s tunic and leggings had been threaded with leaf covered twigs, so had his cloak which he had smeared with mud. Calls echoed throughout the forest from the dead man’s companions as they raced to his aid.

Calik looked in the direction of the noise and began running in the opposite direction. Three days he had been living in this patch of woods, now it was time to move. The others hadn’t agreed. They wanted to end it now but Calik was smarter and knew the final battle was not upon them yet.

Those that called themselves civilised had named him a murderer but he had seen what their armies do to women and children. A cry of anguish sounded from behind them. Calik smiled. It was a step closer to his revenge.

Cool. Is this going to continue? I hope so. The character is as yet undeveloped. So, let's meet this boy. (I'm guessing it's a boy.)

wow! that was really good! but i do have a couple of questions, why is this guy a murder, i mean what did he do? well i guess it was only one question. but keep writing!! i really enjoyed it!

I liked this one thing bothers me, he's known as the blackman halfway through then suddenly Calik it would be better if someone said his name. Also your telling instead of showing I know I hate getting told this but don't tell, show. Good luck with this it had potential.

I like this story. It's interesting! I have to agree with the others that this piece of work has potential! There's nothing much that I can critique since I've only started writing this year.. the only thing that I can contribute is to let you know that there are some typos in your story but everyone commits typos. Good Luck with this story! I hope that I'll be able to read the continuation!

I really do hope there is more to this story. I liked this. I agree with everyone else here. It has major potential. I love these types of stories. And I think that you could have explained a little more. Maybe described the characters.

Anyway, I liked this. I too hope there is a continuation. Good job,

-- M.B.Author

"All had long swords in their hands and all looked liked they knew how to use them."
Instead: "All four had long swords in their hands and (no all) looked like they knew how to use them."

"The man removed his helmet and ran his fingers through his hair sighing. It was hot and there wasn’t even a hint of a breeze in this damned forest."
Instead: "The man removed his helmet and ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. It was hot, and there wasn’t even a hint of a breeze in the forest."

The replacing of "this damned" with "the" was because only the characters usually use swearing in a story, the author just describes. With the exception of something like topic19900.html (Teehee, shameless plugging)

"Leaping to his feet and grabbing his sword he looked about."
Instead: "Leaping to his feet and grabbing his sword, he looked about."

"Letting out a war cry he hacked at the bush."
Instead: "Letting out a war cry, he hacked at the bush."

"Wrong bush my friend.”
Instead: "Wrong bush, my friend.”

"He crumpled to the floor and jerk once."
Instead: "He crumpled to the ground and jerked.

Floor is NEVER used in forest conditions except in special cases, and "jerked" is sufficient.

"The black man knelt beside him and removed the longsword from his hand and began unbuckling the belt that held the scabbard."
Instead: "The black man knelt beside him, removed the longsword from his hand, and began unbuckling the belt that held the scabbard."

"“You should not have come.” He whispered. “It was a mistake.”"
Instead: "“You should not have come,” he whispered. “It was a mistake.”"

Common mistakes, you actually add a comma after sentences when you follow it with "he 'verb that means spoke'" and "he" and the like is NOT capitalized. Really.

"They wanted to end it now but Calik was smarter and knew the final battle was not upon them yet."
Instead: "They wanted to end it now, but Calik was smarter and knew the final battle was not upon them yet."

"Those that called themselves civilised had named him a murderer but he had seen what their armies do to women and children."
Instead: "Those that called themselves civilised had named him a murderer, but he had seen what their armies do to women and children."

Altogether, it's a good story, but you REALLY need to work on comma usage, bub! Let me put it this way. When there's four commas in a 402 word story, you're missing something.

Bye now.

Ditto Aet. [because I'm so lazy].

Plus, I'd think that this was a very, very, very short short story that didn't really end in the first place. So is this the prologue or just a bit of the beginning, or something?

All had long swords in their hands and all looked liked they knew how to use them.

This messed up the flow a bit. If someone had a longsword it should imply to the reader that they have some sort of skill with them.

The man removed his helmet and ran his fingers through his hair sighing.

I'm not too keen on the word sigh. I think writer's use it too much and too lightly. Try replacing it with another word. I don't think being lazy will cause him to sigh.

Letting out a war cry he hacked at the bush.

I don't think someone (in their best judgement I don't know too much about this character's thought process yet) would use a "war cry" at that moment. If they believed they were being watched I think they would try to be a bit more stealthy, but that's my opinion.

He crumpled to the floor and jerk once.

Should be crumpled to the ground sense they're in a forest and jerked once.

Other than that I found this to be an interesting piece; it's very open and has potential. There's many ways it can turn which heightens suspense. Calik seems a bit interesting. I want to know why he's a murderer and who are these "others" that didn't agree with him? I would continue reading.

Also, the last thing I don't really understand is if the lazy man stayed behind and they went ahead how did his friends know he was murdered?

Lastly....

Those that called themselves civilised had named him a murderer but he had seen what their armies do to women and children

I liked this line. The pointing out of the warriors (I'm assuming that's what they are) hypocrisy is a nice touch.