Neverending Winter

The last shining light in a sea of grey,
I miss your warm glow.

Glittering baubles of unfettered love,
Frozen in time, gliding to the cold stone earth.

A breath of steam shot from warm lips,
Caught in a gust of wind, travelling south for winter.

It hits me hard; it’s here and there and doesn’t want to leave,
You’re gone now, not coming back.

The lights have stopped shining,
The sea is black as pitch.

Love, broken, like shards of glass upon the ground,
My heart in tatters.

Cold air lingers where warmth once stood,
Caught in a whirlwind I can finally understand.

You’re really gone,
South for the winter that never ends.

I think the metaphor is a beautiful one, but it could be better expressed. After a while, your lines lose their potency. "Cold" is something very good for sensory image, but you really have to work off of it, strongly. Try not to tell, or say things that are abstract, "My heart in tatters". True, tatters is an action, but it's still too abstract to make me feel with you.

One thing you're really going to want to look at is word choice. Word choice is very, very important to emotional poems.

I love it, but I think you should change your final line to:

South for the winter that NEVER ends.

It rolls off the tongue a lot easier, but I'm new so if you think I'm wrong then I probably am xD

I really like the imagery, and the two line stanzas are better for speech, so I may just have to use that in my upcoming poem :p

Thankyou both for your commentation.

I have amended that last line, I completely agree about the 'never' =D.

Your commentations are more than welcome, as always, and much aprreciated.


*heartS* Le Penguin.

I agree that this is beautiful. I like how it flows, and yoru imagery is lovely, especially in the second couplet. I enjoyed the fact that you included sibilance, especially in the third couplet, as it created a flow which echoed that of the flow of breath. I also liked the alliteration of "where warmth" as it echoed the whooshing of the wind.
I'd change "finally" to "now", for the sake of rhythm, and I'd also chnage "black as pitch" as it's not quite fresh, which is a pity as your imagery here is, for the most part, so good.
Overall, this was an enjoyable read. Hope this helps.

This is written in such a lovely style. I like it alot. I think that the stanzas could be better grouped, so that it's not so much two lines, then a new topic. I also think that there are a few too many sentence fragments to be effective. I like the first line, but lines like "love, broken, like shards of glass upon the ground" sound a bit off to me. Like I said, a lovely description.

Dear Penny,

I can see you working through all of these brilliant images and lovely phrasing--it's just the structure that needs to tip it off, and quite frankly, I find the structure here just slightly dull.

I can you your couplet rhythm, but my advice would be to drop it, and just mix it up. You're a wonderful poet, and you have wonderful words--you just need to arrange them in the right order...I think. Lol.

This is me trying to help XD,
-Evang

Hehehe, I read this poem about winter and then yours! XD

Anyway, I think you're being a little too obvious on your metaphors. I mean, I understand that you're trying to put together the winter and make your life seem like winter, because your love is gone. But you really don't need to pound that in the reader's head. For instance:

It hits me hard; it’s here and there and doesn’t want to leave,
You’re gone now, not coming back.

The lights have stopped shining,
The sea is black as pitch.

Love, broken, like shards of glass upon the ground,
My heart in tatters.

This is what we call pounding. You're telling us the same thing over and over and over and -- you get the point?

And I think you're scared because you don't want to make the wrong impression on the reader, or perhaps you are afraid that you may be mistaken. But don't let this scare you. You have a very brief, concise style, and that is good. Naturally, you can convey an image without telling the reader exactly what's happening -- which is a marvelous gift. Now just take a deep breath, trust yourself to write, and write without holding the reader's hand through the poem.

Good luck!

Ahh, I thank you all most enthusiastically =D All of your commentatation's are most undoubtedly welcome.

I have to say, of all the compliments I ever get, the ones for my description kill me, in a good way. Though I have to say, when people start tp get techincal on me, I am lost. Something to do with not paying attention in school hehe.

I wish I could go through each comment I get and say why I appreciated it and how it helped - because they all did, really! - but in all honesty, I was born with the lazy gene firmly in the forefront.

I will say this however, you are all lovely people and I adore you all =D

(...hehe "Penny" < Love that )

Snoink, in particular, because I often feel that if I don't make everything very very obvious then people will not undertand what I mean (sometimes they don't anyway >.< ) and I appreciate your understanding of that

One again I thank ye all. Legends, every one.


*hearts* Le Pengiun.