Brandy Alexander

I have nothing of myself to give you.
My thirst has bled me dry—but at last—

I have found a vessel to hold me;
and, forgive me, it is not you.

Mea culpa, this mess, and if there was
a priest here tonight, he would hear my sins

and shudder and assign me prayers
for fear of my mortal soul. But I am

immortal too, for I have not just blood, but ink;
and it is in ink that I write this now: forgive me.

I have nothing of myself to give you but that.

My thirst has bled my dry—but at last—

do you mean "me" instead of my?

The third stanza seems strange to me, I don't see how "this mess" fits in, the sentence almost seems--and for the lack of better word--scatterbrained.

I'm not entirely sure that I am understanding the poem properly, though? heh. So I'm not sure I can give much comments to my like/dislike of it. I can say I liked your last poem more--this one was too full of telling or explaining or, perhaps I just liked the last poem more? Something I didn't like in this is that you started with, "I have nothing of myself to give you." and then ended with, "I have nothing of myself to give you but that", canceling out your first phrase. It just doesn't work for me when you contradict yourself like that.

Sorry--I wasn't very helpful.

I like it! The first two sentences were confusing, but after I understood that the entire meaning of the poem was the Anne Frank "I want to live even after I die" concept.

I agree with Caludette: the third stanza has almost nothing to do with the poem. What does it mean? You never mentioned your sins other than this stanza, so it really was unnecessary.

In order to make this a little less confusing, I think you should title this poem "In Ink". It will not make the reader get angry at you for confusing them in the first stanza. Because once I finished the poem, I was a roaring beast! Those first two sentences led me to believe this was bad, but it's actually really good.

Work on it!

PM me for any questions.

Okay... this is my take on the poem. There are two relationships perhaps, but the narrator has found someone else and is now telling the other person that they are not the one for them. Instead, all that she can give him is poetry or words or art, etc.

The lines seem to drag on, but I think that's not such a bad thing as the narrator has been bled dry so reading the poem is sort of like bleeding the reader. In fact, may I suggest eliminating some end puntuation to further the effect.

I don't really like the repetition of the last line with a 'but that' at the end. If you're going to have that, then you can't really have nothing in the beginning. Perhaps in the beginning you could say something like, "I have nothing of myself to give to you but breath" or maybe words or something that would keep consistent.

I liked the third stanza and found nothing really wrong with it. It does meld with the rest of the poem if you can gather what is going on here. Yeah, I'd say work on the beginning and/or end and you'll be sitting pretty.

Hi Fand! Er... Sir Fand...

Anyway.

I like the poem itself, but I'm iffy on the formatting. Of course, I read poetry because I like it, not because I really get it, so consider this your "civilian" opinion. Or maybe it's like getting it in layman's terms. I'm not really sure.

Moving on!

I love the idea of being immortalized in ink, and for a writer, comparing ink to your lifeblood is a very powerful image. I also love the use of mea culpa, because I'm a complete Latin nerd. So that was nice too.

Is the formatting just a type of poem I don't recognize? If not, it would flow more nicely if you smushed it together.

Overall, this was a rather dull, telly poem. There's nothing here that makes me like this poem, and it was only because it was short that I could read it all the way to the end.

Clau: Thanks! Fixed the typo.

gadi: I never mentioned them in so many words; that stanza, though, is what gives the poem a background.

Sir Trident: Hail! Someone got it. ^_^ That's it, perfectly. I'll experiment with the punctuation; I hadn't thought of that. And as for the last line/first line thing, I'll work on that and probably shanghai you on AIM sometime for your help. ^_^

Ari: I love Latin too! ^_^ It's just so powerful. And as to the formatting: I have to laugh, because I had it all smushed together at first, then changed it... I'll have to experiment some more.

From what I've read, you have written a poem about one of my favorite literary characters who can be found in "Invisible Monsters." Am I correct? If I am, I praise you for being so daring as to write about a character that has no boundaries already. So, now with the review...

immortal too, for I have not just blood, but ink;
and it is in ink that I write this now: forgive me.

I'm basing this off of the character, so... Brandy Alexander would be way overdramatic. She would make this a scene, and she probably wouldn't use ink, but instead use the blood she has. For example, Shannon did not write her message to Brandy in the last chapter in ink, but rather in blood and that's when everything came together. You could use the blood to end the poem, as well. So, I would suggest maybe twisting the blood into it little more. I know it sounds cliche, but it works for the character.

Besides that, I like the poem's rythme and wording. I honestly think you've nailed the character into the wood. Nice job on this. =]