The valley

The valley

As I walk to the valley of death…
It is a site to behold.
For this valley keeps a secret.
A secret not known by many.

Death lingers on the field
A field where no life is found.
It is dead, barren, everything that is supposed to be here, has been killed…
or taken away.

But hope might arrive in this, unnatural place,
For a bird, a sparrow is flying near,

The grass is dead and lifeless.
The trees are ravished by an evil plague.
Not enough water for even a bird and its young can be found,
It is hell…

The skies are orange and red as the sun approaches its end.
The bird on the other hand does not know that this will be…

From nowhere, a massive explosion shook the earth.
The ground clings together,
they…can’t
brake.
Fire erupts from the skies,
but why here?

In just a matter of minutes, the fire stops,
smoke rose to heaven,
Its time on earth is finished.

The bird on the other hand, was injured during the war.
Its wing is broken.
It claps as hard as it can, but the pain…
It gets tired,
It slowly…silently…painfully…
falls to the ground.

The valley takes another life.

You know... I'm not so sure about this.

I didn't dislike it, I actually enjoyed reading it, but I don't think I liked it immensly either. I'm pretty much neutral. What I will say is though - I didn't understand the way you structured the piece and thought that you made it seem more difficult than it actually should be. If that makes sense...

I liked the imagary throughout and there wasn't a bit that I couldn't quickly draw up a picture using my imagination, so that's always good.

Not too sure about the flow. In some places, it worked well and I had no complaints, but in others, there was no flow altogether and it made it a drag to read - if I'm brutally honest. I also have differring opinions when I refer to the punctuation and I wonder on some things, whether or not they should be there. In the line; "It slowly... silently... painfully..." I dont think the use of the periods were necessary and think this should be changed, either to a colon/semi-colon or even just a comma. I can't really comment too much on puncutation, as my own is dreadful.

Other than this, I liked the idea of this and I think it has the real makings of a true piece of beautiful poetry.

Please don't hate me but you wanted me to be honest, and out of all honesty it doesn't flow. I like the main idea of it, but it doesn't flow. To be able to make it better get it to flow and use some of ^Ginger's advice. But right now it stinks, it doesn't flow. But find a thesourasis and find words that mean the same thing but flow better, don't use so many commas, and just let it flow. hope that helps, and I didn't offened you.

I liked the imagery you presented in this poem. It was beautiful and depressing altogether.

But hope might arrive in this, unnatural place,
For a bird, a sparrow is flying near,

But in the above stanza, it sort of...contradicts the whole "Valley Of Death" feeling this poem gives off. If the bird would have been left out of the whole poem, it would have fit together like a puzzle.

You did good by adding the bird into the end of the poem, though.

The first stanza has several problems.

As I walk to the valley of death… {Why the three dots?}
It is a site to behold. {This is telling us. Plus, delete that period.}
For this valley keeps a secret. {Delete the for and the period}
A secret not known by many. {Is this line really necessary?}

Death lingers on the field
A field where no life is found.
It is dead, barren, everything that is supposed to be here, has been killed…
or taken away.

This stanza is VERY superfluous. Every line is something about how the fields is full of death, and none of them are really good, or show imagery. The third line stops the flow. Simply say one line, like "The field was bleak, a gray scrap of death."

"But hope might arrive in this, unnatural place,
For a bird, a sparrow is flying near, "

Show, don't tell! Delete the first line, and say "A sparrow is flying near". Much clearer, much quicker.

The grass is dead and lifeless. {See comments on second stanza}
The trees are ravished by an evil plague. {I like this one. Just delete evil.}
Not enough water for even a bird and its young can be found
It is hell… {Oh boy. Very bad last line.}

"The skies are orange and red as the sun approaches its end.
The bird on the other hand does not know that this will be… " HUH? What was this one about? What doesn't the bird know? The sun is approaching its end? Que?

"they…can’t
brake. "
Why did you stop from "they" to "can't"? Who are they? What can't they brake, their flight?

"the fire stops,
smoke rose to heaven,"
tense confusion!

NEVER say "on the other hand" in a fictional piece, only in non-fiction or essays. It distracts the reader, and usually leads into telling, not showing.

The end was incredibly bizarre and the last sentence felt clean, yet with no potential. Elaborate on the last sentence even before you write it: describe tje scene after the explosion.

I didn't really like it. (Sorry!) It was very unorganized, cliche, and really did not make me feel anything for anybody in the poem.

I think you've got potential, but no right way of presenting it.

PM if you need any clearifications!

I read it, and I thought it was okay...but it could use some improvement. I liked the idea of describing a war zone (which is what I think you were describing) because it's pertinent to what's going on in our world today. But...

Death lingers on the field
A field where no life is found.
It is dead, barren, everything that is supposed to be here{get rid of the comma here} has been killed…
or taken away.

It's kind of redundant, and I'm not sure what you mean by "taken away." Do you mean kidnapped, or stolen away by death?

As I walk to the valley of death…
It is a site to behold.
For this valley keeps a secret.
A secret not known by many.

By "site", you didn't mean place, right? The way you phrased it, it seemed like it should say "sight" rather than "site".

The ground clings together,
they…can’t
brake.

This doesn't really make sense, seeing as the ground is one entity. Maybe you could have said,
The ground struggles to hold itself together,
but it...can't
brake.

Overall, it is an okay poem, but you could do a lot more with it.

everyone else has brought up the negative, so you dont need that from me. i am not the best on grammar, so when i read, i look at what it does for me or to me.
i liked your poem, if i am right. it is about the end of days. that is what i got out of it. it showed a very bleak excistence, a sorrowful place. one that i would not want to visit.
the bird to me showed that even in hell, someone hopes. but it never comes. that was good. keep writing, i think you have a gift.

Ok...

This can be improved, as the others have pointed out. I just wanted to say that the way you wrote it was ok. I could see what you were saying and everything, but it didn't flow right at all. It was good, but you really need to work on rhythm. Like I said before, I really could see what was happening, which is great. But yeah, keep it up and improve on your work. This can be a lot better if you just work on it. ^_^



Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

I thought it was good but, it could use more detail and Hell should be capitalized because it's a place.