Departing

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She sits, at the edge of his bed,
Watching him sleep, like a baby.
Strokes his soft, angelic cheek,
With a thin and shaky finger.

She prays, that his chest wont stop,
Rising and falling, like waves at the shore.
Faint smiles visit her lips,
Along with memories of him and her.

She sighs, knowing they will part soon,
Never to see each other again.
For years, maybe for ever,
It truly seems that way.

She stands, after kissing his warm cheek,
Glances to the noise of the beeps,
Echoing around the room,
And her empty heart.

She walks, away from her life,
Leaving her love, alone.
As he sleeps, safe once more in bed,
Protecting by bleeping machines, not family.

She rises, into the light,
Away from the crashing.
And the broken hearts, and cars,
Wishing they'll talk again soon.
Worship the ginger monkey :) aaand join my new group!

Oh, and enter my new contest!




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It's kind of...clunky.

"Glances to the noise of the beeps" You can't look at a noise. :wink:
"Protected by beeping machines, not family" This is very tell-not-show.

In fact a lot of the poem is quite a bit like that. I suggest You take us into this woman's head a little bit more. Maybe she has a headache from the beeping machines, wishes they'd stop, but no, then her dearest love would die. Or something along those lines. The poem is kind of dry.

Good luck rewriting!

Aussie
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark




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Wow, this is very morbid and sad but i like it all the same. I love the idea you've used...


"Protecting by bleeping machines, not family."

Is this meant to be, protected by bleeping machines, not family. Protecting didn't really sound right.

"She rises, into the light,
Away from the crashing. "

I really like this bit, the imagery it creates is good.


Good work and that. :)

x
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