Aurali

I try to keep things realistic, but face it, it's fantasy! I don't separate my stories into chapters, but I'll keep it in parts. Enjoy!
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"Come on, Matt! Get up!"

I was in a strange place. The deck of a ship? An immense ship by the look of it. Sensei Taanari, my master and mentor under whom I'd served for countless seasons, was dealing with a challenging equal to the size of the ship. He was holding back an insane amount of...PIRATES?!

As I got up, the battle cries of thousands of men rose up, followed by the cries of my team. I joined with them as I unsheathed my blade, charging in the direction of my master.

"AURALIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

I forced myself through to Taanari, knocking out any worthless fool in my path. I could not kill out of my own will, so I used a blade that required my choice to kill. I reached him, fighting with him the best I could.

"Are you all right, your majesty?" I asked, not waiting for an answer. The Curse of the Wolf wanted me to continue making people suffer.

"I'm all right. I think they underestimated us because of their vast num-"

"STOOOOOOOOOOP!" a voice called out. A tall, bulbous captain stood in elite power. The sea of pirates parted like the Red Sea, not hesitating to disobey a direct order from their leader. He stared directly at Taanari, yet spoke to his crew.

"These fools are mine! I will not have you damaging...precious cargo." Then he spoke to us. "So, Taanari. I see you've made a warrior out of my boy. I trust you take the most elegant care of my slave."

"I'll NEVER do anything for you, Nathan!" I screamed. "Except kill you!"
I charged as fast as I could, throwing all of my power into one attack. The Curse of the Wolf, this vile spirit of death and destruction, had taken full effect on me. I forced my blade to become a true weapon. Blood-red revenge was all I could see.

"Now DIE!!!" I screamed as my attack made its way to Nathan.

Nathan batted me away like a tiny insect. My ribs were crushed with the power of the attack, and I could not move. I could only see the terrible things that were happening. My team was captured, and Nathan had them tied and lined up.

"Kill them all. Except for the leader," Nathan ordered. One by one, an archer fitted his arrow, and my team was killed. Every arrow hit the mark at their hearts. Then, right in front of my eyes, Nathan ran Sensei through with a sword.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed. Blood poured out of my mouth as my injuries made their way from my lungs and out my lips.

The world began singing and humming, whirling and spinning, and then faded to black.
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I spaced it out here, and I revised it on paper. I'll be back later to fix it.

Hey Kingdom... Well, a few thoughts here.

First of all, space this out - skip a line for each new paragraph.

Secondly, kill the multiple exclamation points. They're like a very overpowering spice. In other words, they should be used sparingly, if at all. Of course, there are some exceptions to this rule - for instance, if you're character is screaming... (which admittedly, your character is, but in all reality, how long can one scream before he has to draw a breath?)

Third. Get rid of the all-caps dialogue lines. It's amateur, and draws attention away from the piece. If you really feel the need to overemphasize as certain line, then try to be content with italicizing it.

He was holding back an insane amount of...PIRATES?!

Never, ever, mix your punctuation. Use one or the other, not both.

--

As far as the writing goes, you have all action here, and a good deal of it is redundant action. This is a fight scene. You want your audience to read it fast. You want it to flow. You do not want them to start thinking 'For crying out loud, die, will you?' ... which was pretty much where I ended up. After you take away the screaming and the lunging and the exclamations, you're left with just wisps of story, vapors of a fantasy. Who's the character here? Why should we care? And most importantly - what in God's name is going on? Your protagonist is forced to spar from the shadows in this piece: to be honest, the 'boy' comes across more like one of Satan's personal minions, the Search-and-Destroy Master. It's all kill kill kill and no emotion, no feeling, no depth. Consider even the ending - abrupt, the 'team' dies. Well okay. Protagonist screams, as if it matters. Beyond the obligatory shout, he doesn't seem to care very much. You may want to put some thought into that dynamic.

Also, the writing is very sparse. The sentences you have here - especially in the last half - are like little islands of concept and words. And you have the reader jumping from one to the next, scrambling to get a foothold, slipping on the wet moss and the dirt, etc. What you need to do is fill in the gaps. Give us a path to walk down. You don't even have to pave it if you don't want to, but at least fill in the holes in the narrative. Throw some description in there. Fling some interior monologue at it. But whatever you do, don't just content yourself with some sort of literary archipelago. You and your story deserve better than a jolting, mad dash over islands in the midst of the vast ocean of potential. Don't just let the writing rush, missing important places for the reader to stand on - the impression that gives is that you just can't wait to be finished with writing it, and if you don't care about your story, then why would your reader?

All in all, Kingdom, I do apologize for saying this, but I don't know if this story is worth keeping. If you do chose to stick with it, then you're in for a pretty extensive rewrite.

Sorry to be the, ah, kill-joy. Best of luck with it either way.



Dreamy.

A couple of questions--What is the curse of the Wolf? Why is the boy serving Sensei Taanari?Why does the pirate have a grudge against these two in particular? Why are they on a ship? Why is the boy so loyal to his master? What was Taanari's mother's maiden name? Until you have answered these questions, this story is uninteresting. It seems that you barely know your characters. You need to believe they are as real as your front teeth, and for that to happen you need to know them very, very well.

Thank you. The whole reason I posted my story online was to get a real look at what I need to do to make it better. I am open to any criticism.

Yes, I will continue with Aurali. It means a lot to me that you pointed out my mistakes.

Hey, this is just the beginning, anyway. I try to leave a lot of space for answers later in the story. Mother's maiden name? Who are you? This is just a base, and I plan on rewriting it ( as often as needed)

Thank you again. (By the way, this is a dream as of now)

No problem, Kingdom. I'm glad my comments were of some use - though I am sorry if it came across as a bit too harsh.

Hey, when you get a rewrite posted, or even some new bits and pieces, give me a holler. I'd be glad to come take a look at any future evolutions. ^_^

Hey, you already know how I feel about Aurali. You need to work on structure a little, but overall I like the imagery. Like others said, you need to work on flow and the such. But keep up with it.

Hey, when I revise this, should I keep it under here, or should I create a new folder?

Well, there's really no set rule for that; it's mostly a matter of what you're comfortable with.

Personally, I like to start a new thread for each new draft and major revision, but many just edit their original post with the rewrite.

I will be changing this ASAP, so be on the lookout for Aurali(revised)!
Thank you!

I don't have a lot of time on my hands, but I want you to know I am still writing and have not given up yet.

Thanx for your support and ideas, they are greatly appreciated.