Morning

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 34
{{ This might seem completely random and off base, because, well, it is. It's experimental for my writing, sort of a cross between a poem and an actual story, and I wanted to see what other people would think of it. }}

The sweet bright autumn sunrise makes so lovely on your eyes, waiting to be conquered, hanging by a baby blue sky. Seeming like a temptress, baiting for her victim, and yet you still bite. Dark hair laundry, light brown face, still barely visible, invisible, invariably so, the ghoulies of the night are still with your eyes. Like a dead man waking from his grave you walk your silent, lonely state unto a path of revival and pissy-offedness at the alarm clock. You stare at your self, a muddied reflection through half closed eyes, now fully opened by a blast of clear water whisking by, hugging your face and your rigid upside down smile. And yes, you pick your nose - so unneeded as to make mine ears cry.

The silent mirror talks to itself, yourself, one self, as your teeth go for a roller coaster wishy washy ride. A gargle to the left, a gargle to right, take an accidental swig of that potion then swish! Aye, your smile be brightly, aye.

“Go fixed on a long vacation, my lovely friend fun. Why don’t you go to hell or to Azerbaijan - anywhere where you can get a dose of sun-burning sun, anywhere but my closet, where my other lovely friends messy and discontent lie low from the sun. Why, I shall take this journey alone, don’t you know?”

Pick the shirt that covers your belly, jelly, I smelly those french fries that will get into your belly at noon, yes sir. Get your pants laid back - just be mindful to be mindful of others and their seemingly half turned back.

Look at the time go, be best on your way! Away, far off and away you shall go, do be fast and not really, really slow. Whip your belt around your waist - go get your socks on without a waste! Put a comb through your hair, right quickly, with a wide, wide stare. Off to, you shall go, wherever life wants you to go, just remember one thing, one thing more: if you pass by an apple pie shop, do get one extra more.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6400
Reviews 497
I may not know what I'm talking about, but this strikes me more as rhyming prose than poetry. Maybe if you formatted it differently, made it into a narrative?

I think it'd do better there. But that's the opinion of a non-poet. :lol:

-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4825
Reviews 236
Ummm.....

I actually didn't read all of this, because I knew what I wanted to say in my critique as soon as I read the first sentence. It just. . .starts. It needs to jump off the page (or screen, I suppose0 and greet the reader with a big hug and a sloppy smooch. But kudos for going where no man, woman or child has gone before in the department of posting prose-like poetry.
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark



Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
— Thomas Edison