Shattered Glass

This is a lament for 9/11. So much has already been said about that terrible day, and I have tried my best to create a unique poem.

Shattered Glass

A bird was flying, minding naught but its own wings,
when overhead there came a bigger bird of metal bright.
It blocked the sky, then passed away, and left the bird alone.
Unconcerned, the bird then went to where it daily fed,
and in the fair sun’s rise, upon the glass, it spied a tempting meal.
So, turning east, the bird, though lacking truth, into the window flew.
The glass was shattered, and all its side was smeared with blood.
Its pinions rent and body broken, the bird so slowly died.
Upon the ground, on jagged ends, it laid for all to see.

Though young, I found the bird and all that blood within my house;
I saw the rising smoke through tears, and I began to mourn.

It's certainly rather unique but I think it could be imrpoved. You repeat bird too much and that's rather vague so maybe mention what sort of bird it is. Perhaps an eagle if you're feeling symbolic.

Also, you have some nice imagery but it could be stronger and you could extend it. perhaps spend longer describing the plane through the bird's eyes and maybe the buildings and such too so that the reader gets a feel for the area and such. Only, without your explanation, I don't think I'd have connected this to the 9/11.

Interesting. I noticed you stated several things that could have been stated in a simpler manner, such as these lines:

A bird was flying, minding naught but its own wings,
when overhead there came a bigger bird of metal bright.

Unconcerned, the bird then went to where it daily fed,

Its pinions rent and body broken, the bird so slowly died.

These lines give the poem a very yoda-esque and dated atmosphere. I suppose they contribute rythm in some cases, but generally words are switched around in true Yoda style when rhyming. "Daily fed" could be fed daily or ate daily or even daily ate. But "daily fed" sounds

It's a very good view and metaphor, but I honestly have to say I hate how you wrote it. The voice used in the poem feels somewhat archaic and unneeded, in places I feel like you use more words than you really need to, and a big, big thing is word choice. Try to use bold, good words to explain things so that I can have feelings about this--obviously I do but from the poem alone I don't. The metaphor is amazing, but confusing in places? Since they are both birds, I get lost on which bird...

I think the one thing that bothered me the most, though, was the unnecessary word usage. It just made it feel clunky, weighed down, and stopped any possibility of flow.

I most certainly agree with the others; it felt very clunky, as if you weren't making the most out of the space you allowed yourself.

Metaphor. I understand the allegory you're trying to create with 9-11 here, but it's too logical; this is a mistake I think a lot of people make. They connect one thing to another, but don't take the metaphor any further. Stretch it. Challenge it. Do something with it. Don't leave it as, "Life is like a box of chocolates..." Create something with your metaphor that the reader won't see coming. So, in short, interesting idea, but it's a little too obvious.

Syntax. Clau said, "The voice used in the poem feels somewhat archaic and unneeded," and she's so, so right. What is the reason for writing your senteces like this?

when overhead there came a bigger bird of metal bright

to where it daily fed

though lacking truth, into the window flew

the bird so slowly died

This is awfully archaic, and I don't see why half the sentences are phrased that way when the other half are written more conversationally. So just think about the way you're phrasing things.

I like the last two lines the best; I think they have the best use of words and emotion; they really saved the poem for me. Just work on the rest of the poem, and good luck.

-Colleen

So, turning east, the bird, though lacking truth, into the window flew

This is awkwardly phrased. Redo?

Other than that, I enjoyed it. It was unique, which was the goal you were striving for, so congratulations.

Hello

Okay. I felt to sad when the bird died, do kudos for making feelings, but the whole 9/11 thing seemed unnecessary. At least for the purposes of this poem, The little bird's death is more emotion-causing (there must be a better word for that) than the plane. Stick with the bird.

Have fun rewriting,
Aussie

I'll agree with most the others. This definitely has drama in it, though I feel that it's more of a memoir writing piece than a poem, though in a few places it does appear "poemish". The words was very odd, in many places. The analogy with the bird/plane did make it rather confusing. I like the idea, but it doesn't seem very disconnected from the other bird so it's linkings were never severed. It's also kind of a pointless analogy...the 'other bird' serves no purpose to the poem other than to take up a line or two--unless your point is to connect the plane to the flights of 9/11. If that is the intention, though, it is very unclear and the idea should be developed more, make it almost so obvious it's like it smacks the reader in the face. Moving on, the second stanza either lacked a point or missed the point. The fact that the writer was young has nothing to do with the rest of the poem and is an unnecessary addendum. I understand the mourning for a bird, but the placement of the 'mourning' AFTER seeing the smoke is rather confusing. Just seeing the smoke would mean nothing, especially since it is declared that the writer is young and would not connect the dots that quickly.

I think there needs to be a little more emotion in this. Also, it needs more connection between the points--especially if the main point of the poem is to connect it to 9/11. Hope this helped!

Happy Editing,
Via