This structure was strange and abrupt, which made the poem askew. It made me want to stop reading immediately. But, I like the story behind the poem and think that with a lot... and I mean a lot... it will be a funny piece.
This poem is too short. It is like The Red Wheelbarrow, but this is just too short for me... It's too simple, bland, there isn't anything I can get from it.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
Short structure does not have to equal lack of meaning. You fit a story into very few words, so congratulations. Now work on actually saying something.
Good luck.
-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
WCW is my hero, don't get me wrong. But you see, what he did was create a sort of concrete poem with his style. Look at the stanzas. They form wheelbarrow shapes. That only enforces the imagery, yes?
Doesn't work with your poem, obviously.
It's very hard to pull off this style of poetry, and I'm afraid you didn't quite cut it here. I can't think of a way you can format the stanzas so it will work, unfortunately. I do admire your courage in trying, though, and it was a good idea, if only a little misplaced.
