Archer's Legend

I love the fact that this section was created- hopefully it'll end up being a huge help to me with Archer's Legend.

Basic storyline: Long ago, a race called the Alaycian's was pretty much massacred by the humans, who were influenced by a currently nameless third group in to doing so. The Alaycian's look like normal humans, only they have The Gift.

There are outcasts/survivors from this massacre left, but two of the survivors who had been forbidden to be together left and started a new life in Kalevi where they had children and acted like things were fine and dandy. One of those children is Kaliyah Pentalas, who's seventeen but has a natural gift for archery. A year ago, her older brother Erabus disappeared and was believed to be dead...until the day this story starts off, where Kaliyah finds out differently. She finds out that she is one of the few left with Alaycian blood and now she has to keep the rest of them, including herself, from being completely killed off.

...Hopefully that didn't make it sound very cliché. o.o It's probably the best description of it I've been able to come up with, though.

So, in the attachment is the first chapter to this, Stranger's Entrance.

I'd say this is probably...G rated, actually, since there's nothing bad that happens in this chapter and I doubt anything bad will really happen in future chapters. I've all ready received a number of critiques on this chapter and the second chapter, but I suppose this is a great way for getting any grammar and spelling stuff pointed out to me so that I can have it for future reference when I go to edit, but I'm also looking for some characterization and story stuff.

One thing I should say is that it probably seems like Kaliyah is a little emotionless toward the end of the chapter, but that changes in the second chapter once certain things happen, so...yeah. I guess I'll upload that next. ^_^

Also: this chapter doesn't even come close to 5,000 words, so hopefully that rule means that the story's TOTAL word count needs to be more than 5,000 words? >.>

Edit: oh, also- it's a fantasy story if you can't tell that all ready/didn't all ready know.

Critique of the first chapter for you, I hope it helps. Happy editing!

Thank you for critiquing it. ^_^ I'm not sure that I agree with your replacing of this part:

Erabus stumbled as his sister’s fist punched him hard in the cheek, his head turning to one side. After a moment he turned his head back to look at her, a look of surprise on his face for a moment. Of all the reactions he had been expecting from his sister, a punch in the face was not one of them.

because when she says:

“You’re supposed to be dead,” she said through gritted teeth. “Everyone thought you were dead.”

it's still in her...view, kind of, and not Erabus's until he sort of reacts to being punched...I don't know if that makes any sense, though.

On the other hand, I think I kind of like it like this because then I can fix this:

“I’ve been alive all this time, Kaliyah. I just . . .” He sighed, as though beginning to realize that perhaps he had made a mistake. “I was forced in to hiding for a while.”

up to be a little more realistic since he was just punched by his sister. I'll still have him say it, I just want to fix it up a bit.

As to your comment...yeeeeaaaah, I agree. That whole first scene got kind of screwed up because originally I had Kaliyah's sister and nephew in it, and the sister was the one teasing one of Kaliyah's brothers about being jealous, but when someone read that part they told me that I was introducing too many characters at once, so I took out the sister and nephew...but it feels a little off keeping it this way, so I need to work on that again.

I guess I'll put chapter two up, too, now.

Chapter two, which is sadly all I have of this story at the moment. Chapter three is taking a little longer to write than I'd like. See the attachment!

Hopefully things will make a little more sense in this chapter...especially in terms of character emotion. Kaliyah isn't someone who'll show her emotions to other people very often, which is why there isn't more of a reaction to her brother suddenly appearing in chapter one...but chapter two is a little different.

This chapter is better, things are starting to come together now. I've made a few tweaks, and some general comments.

I've downloaded the chapters. I'll try and get back to you over the weekend. Right now, it is late in my part of the world I should probably be getting to bed.

Duskglimmer wrote:I've downloaded the chapters. I'll try and get back to you over the weekend. Right now, it is late in my part of the world I should probably be getting to bed.

Awesome. ^_^ Thanks for downloading them.

Chapter three will be coming soon. I was trying to wait a few days/wait until my beta reader finishes reading the chapter but if I don't get it by tonight, I might go ahead and post it anyway, just...because. XD

Here's chapter three.

I think the only thing I'm not sure I did very well on is the part with the barracks, but that's mainly because of lack of research about what barracks are like. I tried to describe what I was imagining the best I could, but I don't know if what I was imagining is really the same as what barracks actually are, especially in a medieval sort of setting.

So far, I've read Ch1. Overall I have to say that its very good. A few things I noticed that I wanted to point out.

When you mention the price of the sword, first you say it's 25 adrostos, and then you say 35. Secondly, in the part where you write "Her brother was standing there like nothing had ever happened, AND she hadn’t been mourning for him for the past year."

Shouldn't it be "Her brother was standing there like nothing had ever happened, THAT she hadn’t been mourning for him for the past year." ?

Also “Mother and Father gave up looking for you. Everyone believed you had been murdered, even though no body was found . . .”

I think it would be better if it was "even though your body wasn't found" or something like that. "even though no body was found" seems kinda awkward to me.

Twice I notice you wrote "in to" instead of "into" but I'm not sure if that's a mistake or not.

I was kinda of confused as to what was going on in the beginning, was Kaliyah dreaming? If so, could you describle it a bit better?

You had very good detail. Kaliyah behaves like a real person; I was a bit surprised when she punched her brother, but it is understandable. Dialogue seems realistic.

I like the idea of Kaliyah being someone special with special abilites.

“When we approached your brother a year ago, he was given a certain amount of information- information that he’s all ready begun to tell you, and a bit more- that, in return for the information, extracted a promise from him."

All ready should be already

"Because your brother is back from the dead, you idiot, and it’s your chance to prove to your parents that you’re not some helpless little girl who tries to shoot a bow and arrow, she scolded herself."

I love this part!

It doesn't make sense for Kaliyah to ask Weaver what his name is, since she must have heard her brother order him to take her.

"What do we have to do?” I think it would sound better if it's "What do we do?"

"The thought of not seeing her family for a long time crossed her mind more than once,"

You already mentioned that Kaliyah thought about that and what she was thinking.

"Grey, curling hair was pulled in to a ponytail." This sounds awkward. Maybe you should add the word "her" in front it.

Why would the woman nod excitedly? Wouldn't she be selling things to customers all the time? And shouldn't she be suspicious of a teenager buying weapons?

“Weaver, we don’t have time to stay in some cabin for “a few days.”
It should be “Weaver, we don’t have time to stay in some cabin for 'a few days.'”

“We still have some time before we have to start worrying about their lives.*”
I don't think the asterik should be there.

“They’re determined to kill us outcasts because we’re few of the last remaining Alaycian’s,” Alaycian's should be Alaycians.

I liked the chapter ending. Over all it wasn't bad. If I've got time, I'll look over Ch3 sometime soon.

This is a great story! Keep 'em coming!!!!!!

Thank you for the critique. There were a few things that I don't agree with, such as taking this:

Erabus stumbled as his sister’s fist punched him hard in the cheek, his head turning to one side. After a moment he turned his head back to look at her, a look of surprise on his face for a moment. Of all the reactions he had been expecting from his sister, a punch in the face was not one of them.

out. I didn't have it in the chapter originally and I ended up adding it in. It could use some work as far as rewording things goes, but I want to keep it in there. It helps add on to Erabus's reaction to the fact that his sister just punched him, because it's not something he would expect from her at all.

I do have other chapters (up to chapter...three? Four? I don't even remember now o.o) uploaded in this post if you want to look at them, but I don't plan on going back to working on this story until after NaNo, if at all, so it could be a while before I get anything more posted.

Too bad you're thinking about not going to go back to it. It's a really great story. I'd love for you to go back after NaNo. Really. I'd say, after some tweaking, it's quite possibly publishable. That is, if you have the right sales pitch .

It's really good. I really think you could be the next Tamora Peirce. She is my favorite author and your writing really reminds me of her books.

Even if you don't go back to it directly after NaNo, I'd still keep it and come back to it after a few years. That would be a very smart idea.

Anyway, keep it up. I'd gladly edit more, even if you don't go back to it.

Peace, love, and happy writing (I suppose I should add happy NaNoWriMo, too!),

CrewGurl

Here's Chapter 1 critiqued. Personally, I felt the best thing about this peice was the characterization. You've already got me caring about Kaliyah, and the secondary characters don't recieve excess description they don't need. The town/city could perhaps use a few more descriptive lines, as I had a hard time picturing it. There's a couple strange inconsistancies that I noted that I identify in the crit. It doesn't have that strong of a hook, but it does kinda draw you in, wanting to know what the little mystery is all about. I've got more detailed stuff in the crit. Hope you find my words helpful, and I'll see what I can do for chapter 2.