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I hate to be impatient, but I'm a bit disappointed that it's been 24 hours, and I haven't gotten any critiques/comments, and only twelve views.

I'm glad everyone likes it. *sigh*

I liked it!
But you don't mind if I proceed to rip it to shreds, do you? I thought not Thank you.

Basically it's my best friends Carly and Paul, Ma, Dad, and my older brother Kaleb, both sets of grandparents, and a whole bunch of relatives from my dad's side of the family. Hey, what can I say, the Mackrelles like to reproduce!

First sentence: Take out the "and" before "my older brother Kaleb..."
Second sentence: Make the comma after "say" into either a semi-colon or a question mark.

We've already got two broken lamps and a missing T.V. remote.

This was a bit out of place... ok, they've got broken lamps and a missing TV remote, who cares? Elaborate a bit more; WHY do they have broken lamps and a missing TV remote? Is it because of the relatives or is their house chaotic anyway??

Once everyone has their slice of cake, the house is silent except for the occasional relative I don't know patting me on the back saying "Happy twelfth sweetheart!"

Why do they think she's turning twelve? Maybe add in that the ones who make this mistake are elderly? But even so, it doesn't seem likely that more that one would make the mistake...

Gosh my family is cool

My family sucks.

A bit abrupt, don't you think?

After all of the relatives left, we noticed what a mess they had made.

I would change "noticed" to "saw" It goes better with the rest of the piece... in my opinion anyway.

But usually after you open the presents, it feels like you are officially that new age once you open up the loot.

Redundancy. Take out either the "after you open the presents" or "after you open the loot"

I mean, I act just like everyone else, I look just like everyone else... Whatever.

Because there was an ellipses (...) in the sentence precious, replace this one with a dash (--).
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There, that's it! The onslaught is over! Hehe.
It's pretty good! No spelling or grammar mistakes that I could spot. I don't feel particularly moved yet, but it's just the first chapter, an a short one too, so that's fine.

Hope this helped, PM me if you've got questions!
~Azila

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Note to other readers: COMMENT ON THIS!! She's a new(ish) user. You don't want her to think you're not friendly, do you? Think how sad you are when your stuff gets next to no critiques!!

Mmm, do not worry, I only have 2 heads and 3 arms, only 1 of each bite

Well, since I have some time I will shred this to shreds as well, in a good and friendly way.

"Happy birthday dear Meh-eg! Happy birthday to you!" sings the off-key chorus of party goers. Basically it's my best friends Carly and Paul, Ma, Dad, and my older brother Kaleb, both sets of grandparents, and a whole bunch of relatives from my dad's side of the family. Hey, what can I say, the Mackrelles like to reproduce!

I pluck each lit candle out of its careful placement on the heavily frosted cake. The thought of blowing all the spit and germs from my mouth onto my blue frosted cake makes me nauseous. I blow out the small flame and lick the sweet frosting off of the tips. One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... ten... eleven-- "CAN I HAVE A FROSTING FLOWER ON MINE?" They're already cutting into my cake! Thirteen, fourteen! Yeah, fourteen baby!

Mom hands me a piece of the Hawaiian themed cake, her purple plastic lei dipping into the ocean blue frosting. "Here you go Meg," she sighs, obviously overwhelmed by the amount of people crammed into our four bedroom ranch. We've already got two broken lamps and a missing T.V. remote. But I don't mind, I'm fourteen now!

Once everyone has their slice of cake, the house is silent except for the occasional relative I don't know patting me on the back saying "Happy twelfth sweetheart!" Did I mention this is my fourteenth birthday? OK, maybe once or twice...

First part. It gave me the impression that she's kind of a...brat, of some sort. Like me me me time (though of course, it IS her birthday). The fourteen thing was kind of used too much. However your description is obviously very good, and the portrayal of a party with a lot of relatives along with all the annoyances, etc. is also very good.

My family sucks. After all of the relatives left, we noticed what a mess they had made. Grape soda spilled onto the berber carpet, gum underneath the coffee table, and paper plates and cups scattered everywhere. Mom decided to delay present opening so Paul, Carly, and I can help clean up. What about my older brother Kaleb? Who cares if he has football practice? He should help us clean up as fast as possible so we can get to opening my tweed American Eagle flats (thank you Carly) and mix C.D. (thank you Paul, you weird little computer geek you!).

A bit too abrupt on family sucks part, but, I can understand the contrast you were trying to get with the last sentence of the last paragraph, so it works.

I know, it sounds selfish. But usually after you open the presents, it feels like you are officially that new age once you open up the loot. Which means I'll be fourteen! Which means I can date high school boys. Which means I'll have all of these good connections seven months from now when I start at Carter High school. Oh yes, life will be good.

Sure, I've had plenty of boyfriends. But not for very long. They always tell me I'm a bit too strange... which I totally don't get. I mean, I act just like everyone else, I look just like everyone else... Whatever. I guess I better clean up this stupid house so I can hang out with Paul and Carly.

Maybe you transitioned too fast; first it was her, then family sucks for one paragraph, then back to her again. Elaborate on family suckage, perhaps? Overall though I can really feel the annoyed teenage vibe on this one. It feels like just what a 14 year old would think (and haha, I happen to be one). Hope to read some more in the future, keep it up