Vampire

After reading the Twighlight series by Stephenie Meyer, I've been wanting to write something about vampires. It's short, I know, but please critique this! It would help me alot.

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Spellbound by your stature
of darkness that will capture
my eye, forever more.

Your absense in the light
and your romance of the night
brings forth thoughts of magic lore.

With struggled breaths, I grasp
what was unkown of your past
and my heart beats nevermore.

Twilight! XD Excellent book.

I like your poem... it's shmancy
Good work... and stuff.

Without the help of the title and your disclaimer, one wouldn't really know that you were talking about vampires.

Overall, it was pretty good. I haven't read Twilight, so I really couldn't say if it parallels it or not, though since I have read the book jacket and been told about it extensively by a friend, it does sound like this love bit is similar.
I would advise you to branch out on this. Tell us about this love, maybe give us some more reasons for it. Tell us about the characters or something. Just give a little more backbone to this.

Muffin

This was OK. I don't like it because I feel like it's a real cheat off of The Raven with "[for] evermore" and "nevermore". You'll really want to change those lines. If you hadn't said this was about vampires, I probably wouldn't have known at all.

I don't really know what I think... The poem doesn't give much emotion or feel, no imagery. You also are doing all telling. I think that if you expanded it and added to it, it might actually become a good poem, because I do (kind of) like the last stanza, but as it is it is too short, and doesn't have enough in it.

Hope this helps!

I liked it.

I'd scrap the rhyme, as I think that it's restraining you. E.g, phrases such as "your romance of the night" sound a little awkward. If you like it and want to keep it, Id suggest suggest shortening the last two lines by a syllabyl each.
Claudette is right, it's not all that clear that this is about vampires, though I can see how it relates to "twilight".
You have some lovely phrasing here, but I would consider taking a different approach. It should liberate you more and make this more powerful.

This is actually quite good for your age. ^_^ I thought the imagery was nice.

Like everyone else, I'm not sure I'd think of vampires right off if it weren't for the title and author's note, but I think that's okay. A little ambiguity never hurt anyone, I don't think.

I'll start off by saying that I'm miserable at structured poetry, so I don't know how much help I can be in that area, other than to say that it felt a little ... off? Something about the beat was not quite right, but I couldn't tell you what it was. I also second Claudette - the "ever more"/"nevermore" rhyme was a little strange, but I think that, taking into account the macabre theme of The Raven and of vampires, it isn't so bad. The one thing that really grated on my nerves was:

Cold and Broken Halleluja wrote:With struggled breaths, I grasp
what was unkown of your past

They don't rhyme.
Maybe it's cheating, but have you ever used a rhyming dictionary? It might be something to look at, although sometimes the rhymes are awkward at best and just not rhymes at worst.

That being said, I don't think this is a bad attempt at all!

(I'm going to link to this thread for good measure, although I think you've got at least some idea about how imagery works.)

Hey! I owe you a critique!

I thought that it was pretty good - but echoing the others - I couldn't understand what it was you were trying to make us feel. Because, frankly, I didn't feel anything. These were just words. Just simple words with an OK rhyme.

Extend this. Make us feel the things that you've felt. I've read the Twilight books. They were pretty good. So yeah.

:Sythe:

well i saw it deserves a 9/10. It was awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^

That was passonate. I loved it. Nothing wrong, I think.

Thank you for the complements. I do see now it needs some work. The critiquing was much appreciated

so deep. That was marvelous.

i liked it but, i agree with everyone above. you need to lengthen it and give more detail to thierl ove



Spellbound by your stature (whose the man, woman?)
of darkness that will capture
my eye, forever more. (ok why deos the stature make the person spellbound?)

Your absense in the light
and your romance of the night (rythming is good but you don't always need it)
brings forth thoughts of magic lore.

With struggled breaths, I grasp
what was unkown of your past
and my heart beats nevermore( ok what just happened did the person die? give us the details)


i hope this helps you you have real potential

selena

I loved the Twilight books and can't wait for the fourth one. ^_^

Here's what I have to say about this poem. I really liked it. THough it was rather short, but that's probably for the best. I don't know how people can write poetry. I was never good at it, and never will be. *Sigh*


My favorite part was....

*Your absense in the light
and your romance of the night*

It rhymes, and I like rhyming. Its also has a good choice of words. ^_^

Bravo!