Demon Chapter I (needs new title-please read!!!)

This is based on a theory I have of Hell. It's in the Action Fantasy section because it just has'nt gotten to the action yet.
The crosshairs fixed themselves upon the middle of the obscure figure's head. The cold, heartless eyes that stared into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so inevitable fall towards the ground that they had seen countless times before, as their victims souls left thier bodies. The crosshairs were a sort of cross of crusifiction to Sade Moraniz, a pathway to whatever awaited them after their unexpected death.
"Surprise, surprise," Moraniz muttered under his breath. His gloved right forefinger took control of everything. It took place on the trigger and stroked it like a pet. Moraniz's low breaths grew even. He inhaled.

His forefinger suddenly tightened and squeezed its pet. Moraniz's frigid eyes watched once again the all to familiar death fall. Moraniz exhaled. He arose from his gaze at the now empty cross, and stood.
Moraniz was a very tall man, but somehow was not intimidating at all. His long, dark ebon hair stretched down to his waist in a neat pony tail. His scraggly bangs fell into his eyes, casting a murky shadow upon his cruel-looking eyes. He was clad fully in black, buckles strewn across the outfit. Unknown to many, a variety of bladed weapons were hidden throughout his garb, bearing compliment to his vague past.

Moraniz looked down at his weapon, an elegant, divine piece of art, given to him by a demon long ago. It was a powerful sniper rifle. The scope merged into the body of the gun, and gave remarkably strong magnification. Moraniz could see a victim clearly from literally miles away. The barrel was long, and attached to the end was a sharp blade, the keenest edge that Moraniz had ever seen. The fine weapon was black and silver, and was supported by a small tripod where the barrel met the body. It was millions of years old, and had been used by the greatest of warriors, angels and demons alike.

Moraniz looked down at the dark, lifeless wasteland below the cliff on which he stood. His victim lie on the ground, lifeless, about one hundred feet down, and three hundred feet outward. The ground was gray and reminded him of death, as did the overcast sky above him. A light mist was all around, slightly blurring the view. The occasional pach of grass or shrub was strewn around the seemingly endless field. In the distance, he could see large rocks and boulders, some gray, and some very dark in color. It was called the Death Savanna, and was very appropriately named.

Moraniz suddenly felt a cold metal sensation at the nape of his neck.

“Damn,” he whispered softly. He put his hands up, and slowly turned around to see a dark haired woman pointing a firearm slightly similar to his, only it was a pistol, directly at his face.

I know it's only the first chapter, but I'm very confused. Maybe I'm just restless right now, but the descriptions kind of bored me and confused me more.

The crosshairs were a sort of cross of crusifiction to Sade Moraniz, a pathway to whatever awaited them after their unexpected death.

"Cross of Crucifiction sounds impossibly repetetive...I don't know why...not mention you already said crossHAIRS in that sentence. It just sounds weird having to say so many words with a similar root.

Moraniz's frigid eyes watched once again the all to familiar death fall.

Should be "all-too familiar"



Just a couple comments on the gun;

Typically, a sniper rfile would not a have a tripod, for it would limit the mobility of the sniper consideralby. Also, a blade at the end would weight the barrel down, forcing the sniper to compensate for the extra weight and possibly spoiling his aim. Tha's all I'll say about that on ethough.

We do not know where the man is, nor do we get a description...perhaps adding this would add to the story a little.

Overall, a nice piece of work. I meant to read this earlier, but failed to Anyway, I'm eager to see more, so keep it up.

--Hunter

The tripod isn't like a huge video camera tripod . . . it's like . . . eight inches off the ground, tops. Just something to hold the weapon up, you know? . . . yeah . . . but thanks for the crit . . .

emotion_less, I totally agree. The description was good, VERY good, but there is just way too much. I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I strongly suggest you lower down the descriptions and stick to explaining what really is going on. Most of the descriptions are irrelevant. But I know it's the first chapter, but still the first chapter is like a first impression. If people don't like it, they won't read on...

Hope that crit helped! Sorry if I sounded..harsh in any way.

I think you used too much description for such a short piece. You should either take out a lot of the adjectives and adverbs, or make this a lot longer.

The cold, heartless eyes that stared into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so inevitable fall towards the ground that they had seen countless times before, as their victims souls left thier bodies.

This is not a very good sentence at all. I have no idea what this sentence means. It needs less words, or more defining ones. Also, his eyes can't really be heartless. He may be heartless, but his eyes aren't. They can be cold and hard, to show that he is heartless, see?

His scraggly bangs fell into his eyes, casting a murky shadow upon his cruel-looking eyes.

It's never good to use a noun twice in one sentence. "His scraggly bangs fell into his cruel-looking eyes, casting a murky shadow upon them." If this is not the idea you were trying to convey, then the sentence needs to be rewritten. Also, you have already established the fact that he is cruel, and that his eyes show this.

cold metal sensation

"Cold sensation" or "cold metal" will suffice.

Unknown to many, a variety of bladed weapons were hidden throughout his garb, bearing compliment to his vague past.

I think the sentence is fine without the second part, but if you were to keep it, then you should change the "compliment" to a different word. I have no idea what you mean by "bearing compliment to his vague past."

Moraniz looked down at the dark, lifeless wasteland below the cliff on which he stood.

"...cliff on which he stood" sounds a little weak, passive. "Cliff he stood on" might sound a little better.

I can see that you have a plan for this story, which is good. You just really need to work on not over-describing the situation.

Good luck!

-Sarah[/quote]

Yeah, it is possible to be over-descriptive (as I have found out), and this is only a small part of the first chapter. I didn't realize how small the piece was until I posted it.

In the part describing his eyes, it's personification reflecting back upon him.
I'll change the bangs part. Thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks again for the crit, everyone!

I think you do need to cut back on some of that discritption. It does get a little bit boring at times and overwhelming. I do like your view on hell. I once talked to this girl on the net that said she was a zombie and had seen hell and all this stuff. If you want me to I could send it to help you out. But I think she may be missing a few parts in the head if you know what I mean. So get back to me about that if I still have it lying around.

title suggestions:

within the crosshairs
Guns of hell

if you put more into the story i could probably give more than those titles and if u dont like 'em, fine. sounds good to me, but i am a complete action/fantasy freak so maybe its just me; i think it really good!

If I'd have to say anythhing I'd say that I lost some interest, not because of the narrative style, but because the character was a bit stereotypical. You describe him as someone who should be intimidating but is not, and, shortly thereafter, describe the typical "bad guy." That is the point where I was beginning to lose interest. Though I will say, if you were to deliver more upon the instant mood you set, then I think it would pack some punch.

Well i really liked it. it was dark and reminded em a lot of my own writing style. But why was he killing this creature from the top of a cliff? he wasn't in danger. was he hunting it? is he exterminating them?

A quick note before we begin. I didn't read the other reviews, so pardon any repeats.

as their victims souls left thier bodies

You mean 'their' not 'thier'.

into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so inevitable fall towards the ground that

Get rid of the 'oh so' part.

crusifiction

It's spelled 'crucifixion'

Moraniz's frigid eyes watched once again the all to familiar death fall.

You mean 'to' not 'too'. Here's a few examples on where to use to and too.
'to' is used in places like- I went to the park.
'too' is used in places like- I had too much pie.

Moraniz was a very tall man, but somehow was not intimidating at all. His long, dark ebon hair stretched down to his waist in a neat pony tail. His scraggly bangs fell into his eyes, casting a murky shadow upon his cruel-looking eyes. He was clad fully in black, buckles strewn across the outfit. Unknown to many, a variety of bladed weapons were hidden throughout his garb, bearing compliment to his vague past.

You call that not intimidating? If I was alone with that guy in an alley I would dang near poop myself.

He put his hands up, and slowly turned around to see a dark haired woman pointing a firearm slightly similar to his, only it was a pistol, directly at his face.

Slightly similar? A pistol and a sniper rifle are practically night and day. Do you mean they have similar colors? You may want to re-describe it somehow.

Overall this was pretty good. Nice descriptions and a weird, although interesting, theory of hell. It was pretty good, so good job.

Okay right now it is sounding a little boring, you have to make a great first impression. You have to make them not able to put it down.

The description is good, but the scenes are confusing to me. Maybe you should make this your second chapter and explain whats going on in a the first chapter more.

Reword some of your sentaces and don't repeat the same things over.

Other than that I think your coming along pretty good, and good luck with your future writings.

I think tis is pretty cool... i think the detail was a little over the top but still OK. Maybe you could tell why he was shooting the thing? I think this would be a good chapter1, but maybe you could put a prologue in to give us an idea of whats happening... and why maybe hes got a sidearm pointing at his face. Maybe hes on the run? The idea is very good, and i think you could easily pull it off.

This is a good piece of work and you could go somewhere with it, but it seems to me like you're lingering too much on description. You've explored every detail there is and in some places that's a good thing but when you do it too much it slows the story to a crawl. Also, I wasn't sure what the bigger picture was. Is Moraniz in league with demons?
Have demons and angels come to Earth or is Moraniz in Hell? Are humans joining in the fight? To improve, describe what the situation is but don't add too much detail. Hope this helps.

-Cobra.