Heart Break

The pressure, as always, began in the heart. Slowly it then wormed its way through the blood. She could feel the pressure grow, seeping into her bones with terrible pain. Pockets of blood forced their way to her butterfly lips, staining them a sinister red. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright, and never before had she been so tauntingly beautiful. Still the pressure built.

When, finally, the pressure became too great, when it had conquered too much, her body shut down. Her clear, bold, eyes were fading, dull emptiness creeping in; her lithe body was falling, limp in its graceless tumble from life. All of this she endured with hardly a protest. The noiseless whispers passing through her haunting, bloody lips making no impact on the chilling air.

The sorrow was great; barren of colours and rich in tears. Cold and silent her silhouette lay in timeless death, beside which her greatest love wept, hand to heart.

"Her love," he began, "could not be greater, her tears never swifter. In the end, however," at this his eyes became ablaze, "in the end her heart, the largest of all, could not, as one might have hoped, stand to hold the tears it had suffered."

It was now that his eyes roamed the crowd before him, pitching his feelings to theirs in quiet solidarity. "I who loved her, as all here did, could not be sadder that it was her heart, from which we all selfishly stole, that put upon itself to break."

u've got a peotic hand

Aside: er, sorry, chineyne...I'm not a moderater so you can ignore me if you like, but it's one of the rules here not to use chat-speak. We write out our words. "You've" instead of "u've."


Okay, Penguin, my comments are in italics.

The pressure, as always, began in the heart. Though, unusually, it then wormed its way through the blood. I don't like that sentence. It's not up to the narrator to inject his/her opinions into the story. He/she has to let the reader decide for himself. So instead of telling us it's unusual, either show us that it's unusual and let us reach the actual conclusion ourselves, or just take that thought out. Maybe you could combine the first two sentences:
The pressure, as always, began in the heart; then it wormed it's way throuhg the blood. She could feel the pressure grow, seeping into her bones with terrible pain. Pockets of blood forced their way to her butterfly lips, staining them a sinister red. Why sinister? Again, you're telling us that it's sinister instead of letting us come to that conclusion. Just say "staining them to a dark, unnatural red" or something. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright, and never before had she been so tauntingly beautiful. Still the pressure built.

When, finally, the pressure became too great, when it had conquered too much, her body shut down. Her clear, bold, eyes were fading, dull emptiness creeping in; her lithe body was falling, limp in its graceless tumble from life. Mmm, beautiful sentence there! Through Nix this word, it's not necessary. Later you say 'with hardly a peep' which sort of neutralizes the 'through.' Start with 'All'. all of this she endured with hardly a protest. Through her haunting, bloody lips not a sound did creep. Not a sound did creep is too archaic and doesnt' fit with the rest of your writing. Just twist it around: "Not a sound escaped her haunting bloody lips." Urgh. Perhaps another word besides 'haunting.' Really, in context of lips, the word haunting doesn't make much sense.

The sorrow was great; barren of colours and rich in tears. Pretty So did her timeless death come to pass. Cold and silent her silhouette did lay for all to see, there her greatest love did weep, hand to heart. Archaic again. Either make the whole thing this way, from the very beginning, or don't make any of it this way. The whole "said he' and 'did lay' and 'did her timeless death' etc. Decide which style you're going to use and stick with it!

"Her love," said he, "could not be greater, her tears never swifter. In the end, however," at this his eyes did blaze, "in the end her heart, the largest of all, could not, as one might have hoped, stand to hold the tears it had suffered."

It was now his eyes did roam the crowd before him, pitching his feelings to theirs in quiet solidarity. Oooh, I like that. "I who loved her, as all here did, could not be sadder that it was her heart, from which we all did take, that put upon its self its self = itself to break."

Hmm...those last lines, you meant for them to rhyme? I thought it was a little too confusing and hokey, personally. Also it's a run-on sentence. Perhaps you could say something like: "I who loved her, as all here did, could not be more saddened at her death. She gave us all her heart, and from the weight of our hearts on hers, it broke." That's not very poetic, but you get the picture. Split into two sentences might be better.

Overall, it was a beautiful piece of writing. Just get your style straightened out...personally I'd go for the more modern style, but that's just an opinion. Good job in describing her death, and I like the idea of flashing quickly frmo her death to the funeral. You did a good job in keeping the transition clear with actually telling us that it was the funeral.

I look forward to seeing more of your work, Penguin! I hope you don't mind me calling you that.

Au revoir,
~Madame Kool

Ho-kay; hehe. I've done me some edit-type working. The archaic language should be all but gone (hopefully all.) As I understand what you were saying Ma'am Kool

As you will notice (if you so chose to re-read the text) I have kept the 'sinister red' as well as the 'haunting lips'. My inner descriptors put themselves to work and decided (almost unanimously ) that if I kept the 'sinister' red then the 'haunting' lips made sense. As haunting is one of those describing words (nouns or verbs or something like that - I do so very much hate terminology [almost as much as spelling hehe]) the lips can be described as haunting, just as eyes or even tones can be.

I thankyou both; chinenye and Ma'am Kool (ahha I like saying that), for your most welcome commentation, it is most appreciated.

Oh, and Ma'am (hehe) I find the 'nicking' of names (in the sense of nicknames) perfectly acceptable - Penguin is shorter too hehe. I hope you don't mind the Ma'am

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

This is very nice. It's really short, but you've taken a great deal of emotion and comdensed it into these few paragraphs quite nicely. I think that's what I like best, this piece is so full of feeling. Every sentence comtributes to the feeling, unlike alot of other writing.

I didn't see any grammar issues. So, congrats.

Nice job and happy writing to ya!

You put the emotion in your story very nicely.

Muchas Gracias my dear people, commentations (as well as compliments ; ) ) are always welcome and appreciated.

*hearts* Le Penguin

Short and full of emotion, although I cant help but wonder whether or not this would be better as a poem, as it seems to have that kind of effect.

Think about this.

You're stucture of the paragraphs and sentences worked well together and you didn't block everything together in a big chunk; that's always good to see. You used great imagary and you descirbed it in a strange but worth while way, hitting home to the reader immediately and keep me gripped.

Great.

Hehe. Muchas Gracias there Lizzy. As always the comments are appreciated... I never throught to make it a poem... might be interesting.. might also be too hard for me ahaha.

thankyou once more.

*hearts* Le Penguin.

I like the first sentence. It's a nice way to begin right in the middle of things. The second sentence just seemd to follow the first sentence, but because it wasn't the beginning and was just a continuation, it seemed unnecessary to me. I think the third sentence could be helped by describing the pressure in her bones directly, rather than in terms of what came before it. I'm confused as to how her lips were stained sinister red. Did she bite them, and is she now bleeding? Other than lipstick, I'm not sure if your lips could turn that colour red on their own.

" When, finally, the pressure became too great, when it had conquered too much, her body shut down." This seemed too lofty. Like, in a floaty style, her body shut down, when I'd imagine that her body shutting down (whatever that means) is really a harsh, mechanical, sudden thing, that then causes an immediate, though gracefully described, effect.

"...passing through her haunting, bloody lips making no impact on the chilling air" The bolded part seems words.

Cold and silent her silhouette lay in timeless death, beside which her greatest love wept, hand to heart.

Did you mean "where her greatest love wept"? And "greatest love" seems to general. There's no emotional impact behind these words. In what he does, little, subtle things, while he's mourning her death, we could probably tell that he was her greatest love, but to be told that right off seems too blatant.

"Her love," he began, "could not be greater, her tears never swifter. In the end, however," at this his eyes became ablaze, "in the end her heart, the largest of all, could not, as one might have hoped, stand to hold the tears it had suffered."

I don't find this to really mean anything. I think that his eyes could be better described (in more detail) than in the one word "ablaze"

In the last paragraph, beginning with "it was now" is wordy an unnecessary. And how is he pitching his feelings to them? His speech seemed overly poetic, and I think could work, if contrasted with the style of description. But as it isn't, it just seems odd.

This is so lyrical, it is really gorgeous. Give yourself a pat on the back for that.

Just a quick fix. You say "Clear, bold, eyes." Should it not be clear, bold eyes? Forgive me if I'm wrong, I do tend to mess up commas...

But it's beautiful, you clearly have a love of words.

Thank you Stella, Amelia, I should get back to editing this as well (I have been ever so remiss in all my editing) some time in the near future.

Thanks for the comments, and they're all valid points, as soon as I get the proper time, I'll work on it.


Again, your time is most appreciated, thank you for commenting.


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

This strikes me as Shakespearian with the tragedy and love intermingled, which is why archaic language could have worked just as well as what you've changed it to. Most of all it's a lesson for people not to take too much from others, without giving something in return. Also a lesson to those who are too generous, to their own detriment.

This reminds me of the Fourth Insight from the Celestine Prophecy.

" * The Fourth Insight... The Struggle For Power

To gain energy, we tend to manipulate or force others to give us attention and thus energy. When we successfully dominate others in this way, we feel more powerful, but they are left weakened and often fight back. Competition for scarce human energy is the cause of all conflict between people."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Celestine_Prophecy

I didn't really find anything to nitpick but then again I may be slightly biased.

<3

I liked it, which is saying something since this genre isn't nesscairly my fave. In truth, what I liked most was the twist you had at the end. Congrats ^^