freedom rewritten

The hills sparkled with the lift rain that drizzled down.
She stood in the center of it all,
He hair was the wind, whisking around her childlike face.
She began to sway.
She twirled as though the earth was singing to her,
A song that cannot be ignored.
Her body turned liquid, joining in with the rain.
She opened her mouth and let out a whisper,
Her voice was the wind.
Her body the rain.
Yet she is unseen, unheard by most.
She is me, she is you.
She is what we desire and what we hate

Freedom

Yet to take her, tis forbidden.
To touch her is to hunger for her,
to lust for her,
to long for her.
She cannot be held, nor contained.
To do so would destroy her, reducing her to a bittersweet memory.
Those who walk with her are driven mad, held back with chains of logic and reason.
To become her, to be consumed by her beauty and peace, is to lose those chains and all that comes with them, but be held back by her embrace from those who desire you both but cannot reach.
An irresistible beauty, she drives all thought away.
Beware.




So what happened was, I wrote the first bit, Nutty wrote the second bit. I have her permission to post

Just so you know, I did give her permission

The hills sparkled with the lift rain that drizzled down.
She stood in the center of it all,
He hair was the wind, whisking around her childlike face.
She began to sway.
She twirled as though the earth was singing to her,
A song that cannot be ignored.
Her body turned liquid, joining in with the rain.
She opened her mouth and let out a whisper,
Her voice was the wind.
Her body the rain.
Yet she is unseen, unheard by most.
She is me, she is you.
She is what we desire and what we hate

Firstly, "he" should be "her". I would also change "cannot" to "could not", to keep in the past tense like the lines before that. Also, I would change the full stop after wind to a dash, and put a full stop after hate.

Freedom

Yet to take her, tis forbidden.
To touch her is to hunger for her,
to lust for her,
to long for her.
She cannot be held, nor contained.
To do so would destroy her, reducing her to a bittersweet memory.
Those who walk with her are driven mad, held back with chains of logic and reason.
To become her, to be consumed by her beauty and peace, is to lose those chains and all that comes with them, but be held back by her embrace from those who desire you both but cannot reach.
An irresistible beauty, she drives all thought away.
Beware.

I'm not sure the use of "tis" really fits in with the rest of the poem. I also am unsure about "beware" at the end. I don't really like it, but I don't think it would sound any better without it.

Apart from the tweaks I pointed out, nice job. This is a well-written piece, I think you work well together.

That is so awsome! I'm totaly speechless (trust me many have tried to do this and failed [usually you either can't get me to shut up or speak up ])!! Excluding that it's really cool!

I really like the idea of this poem being fantastic, and with a little work, it could be.

First, I'd work on the line breaks, especially in the second half. Break apart each idea into a line, to emphasize each point.
Second, I don't get why you separated the two halves. The "freedom" in the middle caught me off guard. I think that the poem flows smoothly enough that you don't need a line break in between there.
Third, in the first stanza, I felt that you were repeating the imagery a lot. It was beautiful imagery, granted, it's just that you said that her body is like the rain twice.
Forth, I don't like the "beware" at the end, either. Maybe bring in a final image of what freedom is in the context you want to define her as. This is the last line, so have a line that will make the poem stick with the reader!
Finally, I would cut out the "she is me, she is you" line. It's the only reference that the speaker makes of himself or the reader in the poem, so it's really out of place.

I really like this poem, I just think it could be a lot better. You two did a good job; it's hard to write something and make it look like it is from one writer. Keep writing!