Him

Him

I stare.
His hair like night,
His smile too beautiful for words,
Eyes like stars in the midnight sky,
Who is this dear man, you ask?
The one I love?
Or one who loves me?
My knight?
My prince?
Or maybe just a fantasy…

crewgurl93 wrote:Him

Who is this dear man, you ask?

I like this part because i was actually thinking about who it could be.
I'm not sure if theres a need for the comma you can do it however you like it because it sounds good with the pause or with out it.
I don't like much poetry but this is great.

I agree that the comma isn't needed there and perhaps have a full stop after sky. Other than that though, I think the simple structure works really well here and it is rather unoriginal but I love the rhyme of 'who loves me' and 'fantasy.' Whether that was intentional or not, it's a really good way to end the poem and generally this was a really cute little poem.

Ways to improve it would be to add more imagery and perhaps describe where the man is. Maybe he's riding towards a castle and the persona (the person telling the poem) is watching from a window. Setting would help to make it more original and draw the reader in because everyone likes something they can visualise and at the moment all you're giving them is a brief sketch of a random man.

Overall, I liked it but I'd love to see you expand this.

Yes I completely agree about adding some setting and a little more description to bring the character to life. Right now it could be absoutlutely anybody telling this story. Give it a sense of personal touch. Make it relate to the characters view not just anyone.
However I loved the last line. I could really relate to that. I am sure a lot of people can actually. Dreaming of the perfect person who doesn't exsist

Great job XD

~Ferris AKA Tara~

this is pretty good ....got me in a poetry mood i like how its short it leaves you questioning and pondering. who/what were you thinking of when you wrote this, if anything? nice poetry Z_

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Him

I stare. (where are you staring from?)
His hair like night, (hair like night? I'd like to see that)
His smile too beautiful for words,
Eyes like stars in the [s]midnight[/s] sky, (You already mentioned the night once already)
Who is this [s]dear[/s] man, you ask?(doesn't fit)
The one I love?
Or one who loves me?
My knight?
My prince? (Good questions)
Or maybe just a fantasy…

But those are just my suggestions. Overall, it was intriguing but it needs a little work. Good idea and you did this well bcause most poems about guys aren't as good.
Charlotte

I loved this as you made the man out to be a mysterious and handsome person.

You're imagary and structure was good, I think, and I particularly liked the last line of the verse as it implies that maybe, that is what you would wan't most in a man, instead of it actually being a real person before you. I liked it, as I live in my own little fantasy world sometimes, and more often than not, you get poems about real people, instead of just people who you'd like to meet, or not?

Good work !