Unknown Story Chap. 12 part 3

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~*~*~


It was night, the moon shining and lighting up the empty streets. Khor was crouching behind a dumpster, across the street from The Dragons Wing. The dark green rusty sign barely visible in the dim moonlight.

There were two soldiers in front of the building. Each with crossbows and swords. Their conversation echoed across the empty streets, reaching Khor. Khor closed his eyes and focused on their shadows.

It had been a very long time since ha had attempted to manipulate someone else’s shadow. As far as he was concerned, it was impossible. He opened his eyes and focused on the shadows, but not with magic, like he had with the tendrils.

He wiled the shadows to move, even to twitch but absolutely nothing happened. Khor angrily focused on his own shadow, the tendril immediately coming without any effort.

The shadows slithered across at the two unknowing guards. The shadows grabbed their ankles, hoisting them into the air. Screaming, they shot their arrows at the tendrils and missed.

The tendrils took them far into the air and dropped them. “No!” Khor whispered harshly. Before he had never been in control of the tendrils but now he forced them to catch the guards before they hit the ground.

Instead the shadows slammed the soldiers unto the hard metal road, knocking them out, and throwing them across the street. Khor quickly stood and ran across the street, the tendrils receding back into his shadow.

Khor opened the door, bursting into the well known bar. The lights were as dim as always and the exact same people were there as last time. The man covered in the torn black cloak on the stool and the two friends playing the same game at the table.

There was also the man in the corner, smoking his pipe. The bartender was sleeping with a filthy glass in his hand. The sound of the door bursting open drew the attention of everyone, including bringing the bartender out of sleep.

“Hey, we’re closed!” The bartender shouted sleepily.

“No you’re not Japes!” shouted Vyrish.

“Oh.” He said, and sat back down, falling asleep almost instantly. The other friend laughed and they continued their game. Khor sat back down, breathing deeply. Khor glanced at a clock hung on the wall. It read eleven thirty. “Vathen said he’d be here by twelve. What do I do?” Khor whispered to himself.

Khor looked up and saw the man in the black cloak set his glass back down and saw his withered black hand retract back under the shadows. He glanced at Khor. Underneath the shadows concealing his face, Khor saw a white smile. Khor shivered and quickly looked away. Khor nervously glanced at the clock again.

Behind him the door burst open violently. Vathen ran in and jumped behind the bar. At the same time seven guards burst in. The man in the black cloak stood and five kunai shot from under his cloak, killing a soldier.

At the same time the two northerners stood, drawing swords, each killing a soldier. While this was happening, the man in the corner stood while drawing something. Several bangs followed and the rest of the guards fell dead.

Khor stood as did Vathen. The door closed slowly. Khor was shocked that everyone in the bar had just killed at least one guard each. One of the two friends said, “Vathen, we’ll handle the rest, you get him outta here.” While pointing at Khor.
The man in the corner walked over to the door in the back of the bar and opened it fiercely. His hood was up and his face was invisible. Vathen followed and Khor followed Vathen.

The hooded man took them up several flights of stairs and unto the roof of the pub. There was a tall office building next to the bar with a set of metal stairs attached to the side.

“Climb to the top, jump to the other building and find the basement. The sewers will lead you out of the city.” The man said in a deep voice, gesturing to the stairs.
“Thank you. Khor, come on.” Vathen ran and jumped across to the other building. Khor reluctantly followed and barely landed next to Vathen.

Vathen immediately began to run up the stairs and Khor followed tiredly. The two eventually made it to the top of the abandoned office building and onto the roof. Vathen waited for Khor to catch up and when he did he ran for the opposite end of the roof.

He jumped so high and far Khor doubted he could follow. He flipped in the air, his cloak swirling in the wind. He fell out of sight and Khor began to run as well. He jumped unto his hands and pushed off with them. He soared into the air again and jumped off the edge with even more momentum.

Khor flew through the air, flipping and twisting. He landed on the agecent building on his hands and flipped onto his feet. Vathen was already running and Khor began to run with him.

The two found the door leading to the rest of the building and climbed down the stairs quickly. They found the basement and eventually found a pipe that lead directly into the sewer system.

When the reached the sewers the sun began to rise. There were many turns and passageways but Vathen seemed to know where had was going. Light came in through small grates on the roof of the sewers.

There were many sounds of marching soldiers and moving vehicles. The entire trip was done in silence. Neither speaking in fear of alerting soldiers nor wanting to break the sense of security, like they’ve nearly made it out.

After spending hours of traveling the underground passageways, Vathen eventually went down a dead end and stopped under a metal grate. “Above is the closest we have to the exit of the city. It’s bound to be swarming with RA. If I don’t survive, move into The Dark Fields without me. This might be our last stand.” Khor nodded.

The sleepiness he had felt now disappearing completely. Khor laced his fingers together and winced as Vathen put his foot into the step he had created. Vathen rose higher and pushed up on the grate, it came out easily.

Vathen pulled himself up and Khor waited for him below. He eventually reached down a hand and Khor took it. Vathen pulled him up easily and the two were out on an empty street. Just outside the city walls.

“Got lucky on that one didn’t we?” Whispered Khor. Vathen smiled and the two began running into the country. Away from the tall buildings and metal streets that soon became grass and eventually an open field. At last, we’re safe.
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




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Yay, Vathen! Yay, the gamers! Yay, allies! Hee hee...are you getting tired of the word 'yay' ?

Anyway, I only have one crit right now (besides all the grammatical and spelling and punctuation errors that I KNOW you will fix...RIGHT?)

Khor glanced at a clock hung on the wall. It read eleven thirty. "Vathen said he'd be here by twelve. What do I do?" Khor whispered to himself.


Why is he worried at eleven-thirty if Vathen said he's be there by twelve? I mean, if it was twelve fifteen, he could be worried. Also, did you have clocks, or is it some other time-telling device? Clarify???

~MAdemoiselle Kool 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




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Sweet! The escape....Does Vathan know everyone? Who could he be? Hmmmmmm?

Anyway, I didn't find anything wrong, except what sokool already said, so I don't have much to say :D. That's a good thing, cause then you also have less to read :P. Good job!

-the green one
the greenjay strikes again...




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wow! Nice! I liked it!
Of course, it was just a tad hard to understand what was happening, not reading the first parts of the story, but I felt compelled to read the whole chapter.
Only a few suggestions:
"bursting into the well known bar"
I really don't like this description, if I can call it that. Maybe "crowded bar" will work better.

"exact same people" I use that phrase too, but from now on I won't. It should be "same people", or else it's just unnecessary repitition.

" There was also the man in the corner, smoking his pipe. The bartender was sleeping with a filthy glass in his hand. The sound of the door bursting open drew the attention of everyone, including bringing the bartender out of sleep. " I liked the imagery here--it's familiar enough for us to visualize, but original enough for us to appreciate.

"“Vathen said he’d be here by twelve. What do I do?” Khor whispered to himself." should be "“Vathen said he’d be here by twelve, Khor whispered to himself. "What do I do?” "

"like they’ve nearly made it out." The "like" should be "as if".

"Away from the tall buildings and metal streets that soon became grass and eventually an open field." I know this is an intentional fragment, but it doesn't really work.

Nice! I liked it! It was very compelling, as I said, and action-packed, but also very balanced. There were several spelling and grammar mistakes, which I was too involved in the story to correct. Also, I didn't know if it was dark after the escape, because if it was, I can't imagine anyone seeing grass pastures when it's that dark. Maybe feeling against his feet, but not seeing. Other than that, good job!
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




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Very nice story. I'll admit, at first it seemed it a little bit shaky, but you seemed to get better the further your story progressed. For example, your puncutation could have been a bit better at the start, where instead of saying: 'There were two soldiers in front of the building. Each with crossbows and swords' I think it would have been better to say there were two soldiers in front of the building, each carrying crossbows and swords. Of course, this could be just my personal taste in writing techniques here.

Anyway, minus a few punctuation and spelling mistakes, your story was quite well balanced and had quite a good pace to it. Keep up the good work.

-hunter111
'No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart' - gandalf, lord of the rings.




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I love the scene in the bar, certainly one of my favourites so far and the description of them jumping across the rooftops was lovely. In general, this was a good section but there were quite a few grammar mistakes and such. Here's the main ones -

The Dragons Wing [This has been bothering me for a while. Sometimes you write it with the apostrophe and sometimes without. Try to be consistent and it should probably be without because it's a name. Like 'The Young Writers Society' :wink:]

It had been a very long time since [s]ha[/s] he had attempted to manipulate someone else’s shadow.

He willed the shadows to move, even to twitch but absolutely nothing happened.

The shadows slithered across [s]at[/s] towards the two [s]unknowing[/s] unsuspecting guards.

Instead the shadows slammed the soldiers [s]unto[/s] into the hard metal road, knocking them out, and throwing them across the street.

The hooded man took them up several flights of stairs and [s]unto[/s] onto the roof of the pub.

He jumped [s]unto[/s] onto his hands and pushed off with them.

He landed on the [s]agecent[/s] ajacent building on his hands and flipped onto his feet.

When they reached the sewers the sun began to rise.

There were many turns and passageways but Vathen seemed to know where [s]had[/s] he was going.

Overall, the plot is developing well though I'm still waiting for everything (characters included) to come together.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



Should we not walk? On our feet? The ones I now have again? I do like my feet. They are befittingly perambulatory.
— Pattern (Rhythm of War by Brandon Sanderson)