The Girl Whose Mouth Moves Full Speed, No Traffic Lights

I feel intimidating.
I won't beat you up, but, I could bring you down.
Because of my full speed, no traffic lights mouth
You wouldn't know where to go
Then again, it would be bad for me too.

I didn't understand really any of it... Sorry, I'm not to good at criting poetry so as far as I know it could have been the best peice of literature of all time and me being stupid proabaly didn't realize it. *Breaths deeply* Sorry again...

~Pol~

i get it sort ofish, kinda, half way.etc.
i think i understand anyway. is it about when someone feels intimidated by you dont know why? its probably not. i think its weird , but when i say weird i dont mean its totally useless. its weird in a way that makes me puzzled. anyway in a more straightforward way of putting it- it rocked

Thank you for the feedback you too.
I know it's probably a difficult poem to understand.

The poem here seems to be all in the title. Don't get me wrong, the title itself it fantastic, it's the reason I read this poem. But the actual poem says nothing new. Titles should complement your writing, not take it over.

My suggestion for you would be to keep the title for further use and either scrap the poem or build on it. A lot. Go back to your original idea and write as much as you can on it. You can always go back and delete lines and ideas later, but I've found it's a lot harder to add ideas when it has gone cold.

I look forward to reading more writing from you in the future, either a rewrite of this poem or something else entirely.

Until next time,
Skye

I loved this - it's really wonderful. The line about the mouth is great. I'd rework the title, so it doesn't give away the best line of the poem, and also so it's not so long (though it is a terrific title). The poem could use some punctuation, too. I love the sense of power I get from it, and the background of fear, and the way the narrator is so aware of the power and acknowledges the fear. I would have liked slightly more of the sense of power to filter through in the first line, however. There's a definite climax to this poem (it's amazing how much it can pulsate when it's so short), but there's also a multitude of emotions for a few small lines, and I think the feeling of wielding power, and a realization of this, should come through earlier on. The remorse in the last line gives it a great ebbing-away sensation. Loved it, the whole thing.

Skye stole my comments before I could even think of them.

The second, third, and fourth lines aren't half bad--so why bookend them with a mundane beginning and a worse ending? Rewrite this, expand it a little (and I don't mean add tons of stanzas, just refine your message and recast). This could be amazing.

And, for the record, I <3 your title.

^_^

Wow, I wasn't expecting such an excellent repsonse (:

I agree with you all completely about the title. I thought that before I posted but decided to leave it because I didn't want to get hung up with it though.
I also see what you mean about puncuation, I have looked over it and am going to add some.

I'm not sure I want to change the first and last line, just re-work them with a little bit of punctuation.

Thank you very much everyone for your responses (:


EDIT: I have now added some more punctuation to it.

I liked how the title was longer than the actual poem.

my cheese and crackers say it was good.

Thank you for the great comments everyone (:

nothingface wrote:is it about when someone feels intimidated by you dont know why?

Uh, that's not what I got from it, but I suck at poetry (Next year's English teacher spazzes when someone says that they're "bad at poetry", so I must get it out of my system now).

What Skye and Fand said.

Okay, I liked this, and I lurve your title. I'm not sure if I've got the meaning right but what I got out of it was it's someone who knows how to talk; someone who can come up with snappy comebacks and never miss a beat, and can just talktalktalk all the time.

Kinda like me, except w/out the snappy comeback part. I liked it - I'm not sure how it read before you edited it, but I liked the revision. Especially the line:

Because of my full speed, no traffic lights mouth

Nice work. This made me smile.
~Luna~

Hmm.

This is about your mouth moving full speed, your ability to bring someone down...

And yet, to me, it reads slowly. Rather than being punchy, short, rapid, the lines are long, more like sentences. To me, the tone and the style doesn't match the content. Show us the lack of traffic lights, show us your full speed - then maybe I'll believe you.

I love the concept, but I think you could play with the words a little more.

Definetly change the title but I like it!
Add a couple more stanzas/ verses and make the lines more punchy and you have a great poem. (not that is isn't already)
I like the theme and I love the line about full speed traffic lights mouth.
I need more detail and description!
keep writing!
Charlotte