Dreams

Dreams


Goodnight my friends I bid you adieu
Let your dreams caress your mind
The only thing to set you apart,
From the others that roam hopelessly
Do not let them corrupt your soul
Let it be free
Follow your dreams
They know your hearts desires
They speak what is unspoken
My friends, this is your chance
Live your dreams
Vixi vestra quietis

The first two lines of this promised something interesting - I liked "let your dreams caress your mind" - and then the whole poem fell into trite common statements like 'follow your dreams' and 'hearts desire'. There is nothing new in those statements and nothing new in how they're said. Exorcise them from your poetry.

Go back to the first two lines. Think about nighttime dreams and the images they conjure up, and how that can be comparable to the "dreams" that we're supposed to follow. What about the dangers of following the dreams that we dream at night - if we were to let them free we would attempt to fly on bicycles and engage in heady inappropriate passions; we would live in houses that aren't ours and come to school in our underwear. Think outside the cliches that have been pounded into your head. Try and twist them, make something new out of them.

something euclidean wrote:Go back to the first two lines. Think about nighttime dreams and the images they conjure up, and how that can be comparable to the "dreams" that we're supposed to follow. What about the dangers of following the dreams that we dream at night - if we were to let them free we would attempt to fly on bicycles and engage in heady inappropriate passions; we would live in houses that aren't ours and come to school in our underwear. Think outside the cliches that have been pounded into your head. Try and twist them, make something new out of them.

She's right. Great advice.

Meaning/Cliche. Unfortunately, the meaning of this poem is a little too obvious, as well as trite and tired. "Follow your dreams"...a phrase we've all seen on countless inspirational posters and heard from the mouths of countless inspirational speakers.
BUT this can't stop you from writing a poem about it. The idea is to express it without 1) sounding like everyone else and 2) stating what you're trying to express. If you want your poem to convey *blank* do not say *blank* out loud in your poem. If you say the meaning in the poem (i.e. "Follow your dreams") it ruins it for the rest of us.
It's like opening up a puzzle box only to find the puzzle already completed. A reader doesn't want a completed puzzle; a reader wants your help putting the puzzle together, of course, because it's more fun that way.
Also, read lots of good poetry. Analyze it; a good poem is never ruined by analysis.

Punctuation. Right now, the poem is a little hard to follow. This is because it's a bunch of vague phrases and abstract concepts strung together with the help of only TWO, count them, TWO commas. It's much easier to read (and sounds more sophisticated) if you use punctuation and get a little closer to complete sentences, thoughts, and images.
I'm not saying, "Put punctuation in this poem and then you'll be good," I'm saying, "Revise this poem, and remember to use punctuation in your revision." Of course not all poets use punctuation; the catch is that those who don't use it or use it creatively generally have a good reason not to. You've got to follow the rules before you can break them.

Show v. Tell. This is related to meaning and imagery. Remember my bad puzzle metaphor? What's happening right now is what we call "telling"...it's like the whole already-completed-puzzle thing. Your reader will get SO much more out of it if you show. It's the difference between saying, "There was a beautiful sunrise" and getting out of a picture of said sunrise and letting your friend see for himself. So how do you show? Create images (see imagery). Have something going on; create ambiguity, create conflict. Show through these what you're trying to say, rather than just spitting it out.

Imagery. There's painfully little of it right now. Imagery is an integral part of poetry; if you want your reader to connect with the piece at all, imagery is a must.
Right now, the poem is too abstract and too vague. Most of the phrases can't put a picture in my mind, can't show me anything. I want a scene. I want to hear things, feel things, smell things, and even taste things, whatever you think is necessary to bring this out.
Writers often write from experience. What happened to you to make you want to write this poem? Consider your own feelings; how would you describe them? Think about your own experience with hopes and dreams and all that good stuff.
If you're creating a scene, draw from your own life to help you describe it. Remember, we're going for originality, right? No one has experienced things the way you as an individual have experienced them; this means you should also be able to come up with an individual way to describe them! Yay!

Keep at it!
-Colleen

I was expecting a lot more from this when I read the first two lines however the rest of it was just a whole load of terrible cliche lines. Some of them even sound like terrible teen angst poetry e.g.

Do not let them corrupt your soul

I also didn't really understand if this poem was about dreams at night or dreams as in your hopes and goals. It almost seemed to swap after the first two lines.
I think this poem could be fantastic if you take the first two lines and write only maybe 1 or 2 lines. It could be brilliant.

Ferris AKA Tara

Pretty much everything that there is to be said has already been said, but I would like to add that this poem seemed somewhat choppy. Something that I think would help you and the reader conjure up a dreamy setting is flow and a loose, meandering rhythm. Not rhyme necessarily, although that might be nice, just a little "mood music" if you will.

Definitely don't give up on this poem, it has some serious potential.


Aussie

Hmm.. Good I think.

The opening lines sucked me right in and as I slowly read the rest, I have to say I was reeled out. But I can honestly say I don't know why.

I liked how you talked directly to the reader, as a friend and to be honest, created a kind of bond.

Good =]