Of Mice and Men

I sit here watching him walk around the apartment. The sawdust beneath my feet tickles, almost to the point of itching – I think I’m allergic to it, but Paul isn’t to know that. He bought me a new wheel yesterday, which goes to show how little he knows me – I hate those things. I would rather sit here in this stupid sawdust than run on that thing. What is the point of running if you aren’t going anywhere? There is no point! Unless you’re tyring to loose weight, but I’m not fat, so I don’t need to. Unlike that good-for-nothing Lauren that was here again last night. I don’t know what Paul sees in her, but I think he should give her the wheel. See how she likes it.

Monty refuses to use the new wheel I bought her yesterday – I wish she would, because then I’d know she cared. But I think she does. I feel like she’s watching me sometimes, her beady little sapphire eyes shining as they follow me around the room. I’m trying to tidy up, get my apartment back the way I like it. Lauren left me last night and I’m determined not to think about her again, so I’m cleaning up all her shit and getting rid of it. Strangely, there’s an awful lot to get rid of seeing as our relationship was neither long nor prosperous. Is the phone ringing?

That’s the phone. It’s always funny watching Paul answer the phone – he seems to pause right before picking it up, like he’s trying to decide whether or not to answer it.

‘Hello Paul? Look, I….’
‘Lauren, if this is over and you no longer want to be with me, why string it out?’
She paused.
‘I don’t know, I just thought…’
‘What?’ Why doesn’t she just leave me in peace?
‘I cheated on you Paul. With Jamie.’ The sound of the line disconnecting reverberates through my head. A sudden crash alerts me to the fact that I’ve just thrown my phone at the wall. Monty is squeaking in alarm. I go over to the cage, hands trembling as I try to undo the latch. She huddles in my hand, nose twitching. She can smell all the cleaning products I’ve been using this morning. She doesn’t look the least bit scared.

I hate the noises I make when I get hurt, or startled. I sound like Paul’s creaky old front door when I squeak, but he always comes running over to see if I’m alright, which is rather nice. I like him though, because even though he’s not a mouse, he smells mousy. Sometimes I wish he was a mouse, but I think he would still drive me crazy. And he still wouldn’t know what I do and don’t like.

I give her a sultana from her bowl, which she studies carefully before taking it from me in her tiny little hands. Watching her eat, wash her face, watching her exist, it calms me.

I’m really hungry, so what does he do? Gives me a sultana. I hate sultanas! You’d think Paul would be smarter than to give it to me, they make me poop more when I eat them, and the more I poop the more often he has to clean my cage. Maybe he likes cleaning up my poop? Well as long as he does it I suppose. Although I’ll never understand him. But I sit here and eat it like a good little mousy, because that’s what I am. Paul’s mouse. And I’m determined to make him happy. Even if I have to eat stupid sultanas to do it.

People always try and tell me how short a life span mice have. It’s funny. She’s outlived all of the other girls I’ve met lately.

GRRRRRRRRRR! my computer isn't working, so I can't give a full-out critique.

ok, well this is a great story idea. really. it's just... dry. I mean, i read the words, but I don't "feel" them.

I think this would be a lot better if the whole thing was from monty's POV. I mean, when we first switched to Paul, I was soooooooooooo confused. took me a couple lines to realize what was going on. couldn't you put all the events into one POV?

i'll try to do a better critique when my computer cooperates.

I really like this concept, even if the story itself has been short. It's amusing, well written, and somewhat insightful.

Unless you’re tyring to loose weight

lose.

Strangely, there’s an awful lot to get rid of seeing as our relationship was neither long nor prosperous

there's an awful lot to get rid of, even though our relationship was neither long nor prosperous.

This was pretty good Kay, nicely done. A quirky little story that is well executed, I thought this was really well done.

This was more humorous than sad, which was odd seeing as to how the girl in the story broke up with Paul...but somehow instead of that being like not right or whatever, the humorousness worked well with this I think. Maybe some more detail would be nice. Otherwise, there isn't anything else that needs to be done with this I don't think. Definitely good!

Good job!

First, "Unless you’re tyring to loose weight" should be "Unless you are trying to lose weight".

I think you should delete this sentence--it sort of confused me, and if you still want to keep it in, you should paraphrase it: "And he still wouldn’t know what I do and don’t like."

"Watching her eat, wash her face, watching her exist" wash her face? What do you mean by that? Plus, there should be -ing after the verb, whichever one you'll choose there.

It was funny and kind of poignant in a way. A few mistaked, but its simplicity made it more complicated. I saw that you took the title from Steinbeck. Did you also take the style (alternating points of view) or is it different? Because I liked it!