lost between the cracks

REMOVED.

Thank you for all the comments.

filtered our skins through subtle
weed-green sidewalk cracks

I liked these lines a lot. In fact, I really liked the language of the whole poem; I thought it was well done.

forbidden glimpses of
an opposite curb (just as overgrown,
but greener) and the unexpected

I didn't really see what the part about the opposite curb had to do with anything. At first I thought it might be a grass is greener on the other side kind of thing, but then I couldn't work out why it'd been forbidden in the first place.

and the unexpected
taste of bubblegum pressed to our
lips

I don't like the bubblegum part. The fact that it's bubble gum as opposed to mint or such seemed out of place as a bright pink in this green, nature-y, sidewalk-y world.

At first, my mind defaulted to sentences/periods=capital letters, but at least it's consistent. And I do like the squareness of it all, un-watched over by capitals.

Well, it was, okay. Not too much to fix, the poem itself just didn't work for me at all.

1.) Put some more punctuation in the poem to aid to the flow.

2.) I think, even in a poem, you capitalize at the beginning of a sentence. If not the Mods will clarify.

3.) The end doesn't make sense. You start out talking about a walkway and then you speak about people being split apart. If I'm wrong, then I guess I had trouble interpreting the poem so that would be another issue.

I hate being so negative, but we are here to learn. Don't worry about it, I still have problems too.

This is a really unique poem, with a detailed choice of language and for that reason it is great.

However it confused me, because it's meaning is not all that clear. The lines concerning the other curb also throws me off, it either doesn't really belong or has a purpose that alludes me.

Even though the language is captavating and unique, the poem itself didn't really do anything emotion wise. It really doesn't move me. It didn't bring me into the experience described.

I liked this when I read it for the contest and I like it now. The whole poem hinges on a dreamy kind of feeling; it seems like the atmosphere is more important than what's actually happening.

land the broken spines of mothers
we had deigned to leave behind.

if anything in this poem is my favorite, it's this; it has a hint of the strange or obtuse but it's actually very clear and strong. There's always a danger in something original [there's always a danger in anything worth writing]: your original image could end up making no sense at all and confusing the reader, or it could make things suddently sharp and clear. This one is the latter, though the former is elsewhere in this poem. I'm not sure how to avoid the confusion in the first place, as you're writing; but make doubly sure to stay clear of abstractions and think about what the phrase really means, as opposed to how cool/pretty is sounds.

shards of opaque clarity

this line is very abstract; what is opaque clarity? How is that possible? This would be an interesting idea if it got some elaboration but right now it's just sitting there, sounding pretty.

that rubbed themselves to
dust under our lips and
bare feet, but then the
greenery grew through the

maybe play with the linebreaks here. The first time I read I moved through the poem, but then ending lines on 'the' and 'to' seemed more awkward. All that end-line emphasis gets put on little connecting words, not something important.


I really like the final three lines; there's something fantastic about a forest swirling up between two people, but it's a lovely take on 'growing apart' that works with the atmosphere of the piece and puts emphasis on the sense of dappled light.

Euclidean's already covered everything I had to mention, so I'll leave it to a bit of well-deserved praise, which every poet thrives on. ^~ This is truly lovely, Skye. The general feel is like the movie Big Fish--surreal and fantastic and beautifully colored.

I love the imagery you’ve used here! And the style in which you wrote the verses. All in all, I am impressed. A very well written poem!

Thank you all, especially Isis -- your insight is quite honestly invaluable. I'll be sure to work through this a bit more, especially the line-breaks you mentioned.

Surealy beautiful, with a unique flow that sweeps the reader along at just the right pace, curving and twisting into something lovely. You did a wonderful job here, darling, and as I am more a patron of poetry than an editor, I shall leave it at that and recommend you to continue in this line of writing.