Singing For Stars

Singing For Stars

These skybound eyes gaze after stars,
Who swirl across the deep night sky.
Oh glimmer diamonds from afar!
And revel, sparkle as you fly!

So fair, these forms within the night,
As bulls and hares and hunters bold.
Who else has power that’s this bright?
Who’s made of ancient, proven gold?

To sing for them is what I pray,
Although to them, I’m but a speck
I, earthbound, am, below, away.
But what else was there to expect?

The void is infinite, so much!
A vacuum lacking shape and time,
It never ends. And thus is such--
A poem with eternal rhyme.

I loved this. The rhyme was beautiful and I didn't ever see it forced. Also it wasn't too descriptive or lacking description. The end was awesome. Great job on this!

~Rieda

Great job!! Gorgeous! I especially loved the end of the second stanza. The poem's length was just right, I think, and your word choice was enough to be very pretty, but not so much that it was overly flowery. This was wonderful. Thanks for a great read!

All the best,
Goldie

Lovely, lovely. I really enjoyed this.

One small suggestion:

[quote]I, earthbound, am, below, away. [/quote]

This sounded awkward. Perhaps re-phrase it as "Earthbound, I'm below, away."

Otherwise, everything was very well-done: rhyme, imagery, phrasing... beautiful!

This was actually really good and you use a lot of differently beautiful imagary throughout. In the line of which Fireweed has outlined above, I think you have an over-use of commas and this makes the piece kolt abruptly with pauses. I may be wrong on that, it is just my own personal opinion.

Other than that, I think this is a refreshingly different piece and it flowed really well throughout. Lovely.

I saw your link to this poem in your signature and figured that I should check out a fellow Ringer's work.

I'm know very little about poetry so I just read your poem aloud and tried to check it for flow.

Singing For Stars

These skybound eyes gaze after stars,
Who swirl across the deep night sky.
Oh glimmer diamonds from afar!
And revel, sparkle as you fly!

Sorry to pick on your first section but as I read the poem aloud it seemed that the first and second lines didn't quite have the same sound. Also the last line seemed clunky somehow. (Like I said though, I'm no expert, feel free to get a second opinion)

So fair, these forms within the night,
As bulls and hares and hunters bold.
Who else has power that’s this bright?
Who’s made of ancient, proven gold?

This second section was my favorite, wording and rhyming are both great.

To sing for them is what I pray,
Although to them, I’m but a speck
I, earthbound, am, below, away.
But what else was there to expect?

For this I'll just say ditto what the others said about it. To me it seems like having the third line 'Earthbound am I, below, away.' flows somewhat better?

The void is infinite, so much!
A vacuum lacking shape and time,
It never ends. And thus is such--
A poem with eternal rhyme.

I liked this ending but the 'so much!' in the first line, while it rhymes well with the third line, seems somewhat childish wording. I can't think of anything better though.

Good stuff though.

Write On!

Shireling

Don't get me wrong, I liked this too.
I really liked this line:
Who else has power that’s this bright?
Brilliant! Most of this was brilliant.

Okay, I felt like some parts were a little week, and although they rymed, I felt like it was scratchy, and rough.

There was something about it that wasn't right. But, for the rest of it, I loved it!

Keep on Writing!

-- M.B.Authro