Iriad (part 9)

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1145
Reviews 52
Standing in the middle of the clearing I prayed silently that I had lost them.

For a moment there was quiet. Then the howling started up again and I knew they had caught my scent again.

I swore and ran back into the forest. “I knew I should never have come here.”

The howling drew closer and I turned to look behind me. I crashed into something and was flung to the ground.

I rubbed my eyes to try and focus my vision. It didn’t work. In front of me stood a blurry figure but I couldn’t see if it was a friend or foe.

For a moment we seemed to be frozen in time. Then, the figure looked up and suddenly scooped me up in its arms. I wondered what it was going to do to me and I winced as I felt wind rush past me.

The blow never came. I slowly opened my eyes and my vision came back into focus. A handsome face looked down at me. The face was tanned with emerald green eyes and blonde hair.

“Erm… Hello.” I said cautiously.

“Hello. Hey, do me a favour and don’t look down.”

Naturally I looked down and screamed. We were high above the forest and he was flying! He had wings!

He sighed and mumbled something about trying to warn me.

“I, you’re, we’re… what the hell is going on here?”

“I came across you in a bit of trouble. You ran into a tree.” I blushed a little.

“So? Why did you help me? And who are you? Oh, and why do you have wings?”

“I am Fin, I am an Iriad which explains the wings. I am also a nice person which is why I helped you out.”

I wasn’t convinced. “What are you going to do with me then?”

He looked confused, “What do you mean ‘What am I going to do with you’?”

“Well, where are you taking me?”

“Over there.” He nodded his head towards the sea which could just be seen from this height. “Right now though, I need to land for a second. It is not easy to fly carrying someone like this.”

I was about to say something until he suddenly dived towards the ground.

I threw my arms around his neck and buried my head as far into his shoulder as I could possibly go without actually piercing the skin.

The landing was in fact so smooth that he let me go and said, “Um, you can stop trying to decapitate me now.”

I opened my eyes and slowly untangled myself from around his neck. I then walked very quickly backwards away from him, embarrassed.

“So, how are you planning on carrying me?”

“Um, well you stand on my feet and I am going to tie you to me with this.” He flew up a little and severed a thick vine using magic.

Once he had landed he motioned for me to come back, I had moved about half the clearing away from him.

I walked over and stood on his feet. I noticed how close we were but wasn’t really bothered by this. After-all, I had just been clinging to him for dear life.

He, however, seemed quite uncomfortable with it and fumbled with the vine tying it around both our waists.

“Could you, put your, um, arms around, um…”

“Yeah sure.” I said and put my arms around his upper torso and held on to his shoulders.

I closed my eyes for the take-off and my stomach sank right down to my toes as the ground fell away from us and he tipped so that we were flying horizontally.

“Why are you going to all this trouble to make sure I am safe?” I asked once I was a little more used to the sensation of flying.

“You remind me of someone.” He answered curtly. He kept his eyes fixed straight ahead. He was taller than me so I had to look up to see his face, but he still never looked back at me.

“Who?” I decided I was going to make him look at me.

“Someone I used to know.” He still refused to look at me.

“I hope this someone was a girl. I wouldn’t like it if I reminded you of a boy. Or a man for that matter!” I smiled. He still didn’t look at me. “I hope she was a pretty girl too.”

His mouth twitched slightly and I knew I had hit a nerve. “Yes. It was a girl.”

“Good. So who was she then? Your girlfriend? Your wife?” I laced my words with a well placed patronising tone which I could see was getting to him.

“No. She was, just a friend.” His eyes flickered slightly.

“Oh. Did she not like you back? I can see a bit of un-requited love in your eyes.”

Finally he looked at me. He stopped in mid-air and glared at me. “I could drop you if you like?”

“Ok, sorry. I was just interested.”

“Actually you were right.” I smirked, I was right again! “But not the way you think.” I frowned, what did he mean? “She loved me, but I didn’t love her.”

I decided to shut up for a while.


~SishBee~
x
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 164
Yay! I detect a love intrest. Anyway. I thought it was really good, (Is it possible to say anything else? I really don't know) Anyway, I was a little confused about what was chasing her but I guess thats okay.

I like Fin, but she should probably be a tad bit more suspicious of an unknown creature picking her up and flying away. The vine part was good, I couldn't have thought of that... Keep posting.

~Pol~
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1215
Reviews 378
This is good! I haven't read the rest of the story, but perhaps I will, now.

Your writing style flowed very well, and was easy to read. Your dialogue was fairly well done, although it wouldn't hurt if you read it out loud a bit. I liked the clever bit about the "I hope I remind you of a girl" that made me smile. I didn't get why she was trying to irritate him, though. He's saving her life...why would she irritate someone like that, particularly when he's carrying her high above the ground?

I think I would have liked to see a bit more about what the ground looked like from above - presumably, she would never have seen it from that angle before. If she's afraid of heights and doesn't want to look down, then say something about that, and then describe the sky instead.

One description I really didn't like:
A handsome face looked down at me. The face was tanned with emerald green eyes and blonde hair.


I didn't like this because it seems stilted, awkward and slightly random. I think you should fix it by melding these two sentences into one, so it fits into the place a bit better. It looks right now as if you just said it so you could tell what he looked like, and not because it fit. We don't always need to know what your characters look like! But in this case, I think we could fit in the description rather neatly. Try something more like this, I think:
The face looking down at me was tanned and handsome, with astonishingly green eyes and blonde hair.

Then perhaps you could add something about his expression. Is he worried, amused, expresionless, even? What?

Overall, it was a good story, as I said before, but you could use just a touch more description. (short chapter, by the way, but that could just be personal preference.)

Also, the characters in my story have wings, so Fin is very close to my heart. :smt050 For that reason only, of course, not for the reason that he has green eyes and blonde hair and is really handsome. :wink:

So anyway, you should continue. I'll skim through the rest of 'Iriad' so I'm up to date, then continue critiquing, because it looks good.

~The Kool One 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 47
Oh my gosh, Fin is mine. Just kidding. I really enjoyed your story, I do think you can cut down on the "ums" when your characters are speaking. To me, it makes the sentences kind of weird sounding. Otherwise, I look forward to reading the rest of this! Good work and keep writing.

PS: I also like how you are developing your characters! Way to go! :)
To give dignity to a man is above all things.
~ Indian Proverb



If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson