Red Moon

(It's been a while since I've written poetry so I could use some help.)

Loss is difficult,
no one said it would be easy.
fading of mind
and body,
can have severe consequences.

The light in the sky is gone,
what have I done?
I've been blinded
by my own actions.
With a gun in hand,
I pulled the trigger.

Black sky above,
shadowless night.
Not a star to be seen
upon the endless void.
Only blackness
to my eye.

Red light shines through
revealing death and destruction.
They all died by my hand.
Blood has been spilled,
when the red moon rises.

(Maybe this makes it better?)

Not a star
to be seen.
Only blackness
to my eye.

^ this is rather sticcato in a way that doesn't work. It's also a bit boring, and doesn't flow.

Good basis, though!

-Evangelina

I don't really see any strong meaning in this poem. All you're basically doing is describing death and destruction, which is a bit boring. Poems need to have a little more depth, if you know what I mean.


MM

Yeah, let me see what i can do with it and maybe put a back to it. Hmm...

Yeah, I'd have to agree. There's absolutely nothing wrong with including a bit of description or imagery in a poem, but there has to be something... there. Pure imagery needs something to support it - there has to be some sort of emotional baseline, or else you've just got some nice pictures floating in space.

I've been reading a lot of Carl Sandburg - just bought Chicago Poems a couple days ago. He's a master of this. Sometimes you read his poems and think they're just imagery, but there's a lot more there. You can write a poem like this - and you can leave a lot of these lines intact if you want - but it just needs a little more of a foundation.

Thanks, I'm working on it.

I think you meant to use 'revealing' on the second line of the second stanza but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. As for the poem, I think it has some potential. Perhaps feature on a specific event that has happened on the night of a red moon. That might be interesting and you could use all your nice imagery but have an actual 'plot' to it.

Okay, thanks Kit, that makes it easier.

Loss is difficult,
no one said it would be easy.
fading of mind
and body,
can have severe consequences.

I think if you remove CAN from the last verse will give the poem a flow

Loss is difficult,
no one said it would be easy.
fading of mind
and body,
have severe consequences

The light in the sky is gone,
what have I done?
I've been blinded
by my own actions.
With a gun in hand,
I pulled the trigger.

what if you read it like this:-

The light in the sky is gone,
what have I done?
Have I been blinded?
by my own actions.
With a gun in hand,
I pulled the trigger

Red light shines through
revealing death and destruction.
They all died by my hand.
Blood has been spilled,
when the red moon rises.

I m not sure about this one but may be

Red light shines through
revealing death and destruction.
they had been killed by me (or ^they had been killed by...)
Blood has been spilled,
when the red moon rises.

the idea is good needs a bit of deepness
and to make some thing deep the best way is to show grief and sorrow.
I dont say the poem dont have deepness it do but make it visible.

I do like this poem and it's idea but I think that adding more description would help it a lot. It's a lot of telling and you can't get any feeling from it. I really want to crack the shell off of this and have some remorse for the narrator but it's hard sense it's nothing to relate to. This poem has a lot of potential though. Let me know if you change it.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Okay this I would say is very creative. I don't know what other's are saying but when I read this I could picture so many things in my head. It really got me thinking about somethings. So keep writing and elaborating on this, I know you can do this!!

Your piece has some good descriptors but they don't come together in the best way. This is why I believe it starts to get boring. Your opening and closing verses are good but you need to carry that quality throughout your entire poem. On the plus side, your work did have a great amount of emotion to it. Its plot wa also nicely job. If your review and fix up the piece you'll have a great poem insted of a good one. Anyway, good job.

There was no depth to it. See, I liked it. But, what was the meaning of writing this. What was the purpose of the poem. Is there more then meets the eye?

Anyway, some parts were a little shaky. But over all, I liked it. Your not to shabby with poetry!

-- M.B.Author

Good poem. I liked the images that your poem invoked in my mind. Only two things that I can really think of are that there needs to be a little more depth (maybe put some more background info in it) and that the rhythm was a slightly off.

Other than that is was pretty cool. Keep writin'!