prologue-beneath the shadows

It was his fault.

All he could do was stand there, two bodies side by side. Two girls, reaching the blossoming age of 16, now laid there, pale and devoid of life. They look so peaceful, they said. Too bad those people never made eye contact with them. They would see there is no peace in their eyes. The pain he could see, the pain he had caused, resonated in their silently fading eyes.

No one knew.

His hands were stained crimson, and as the heavy moon glared at him with the familiar red color, he was reminded of it. No one could see it, but he knew it was there. This blood was not his, not all of it. His whole body was drenched with the evil liquid, but no one saw it. It was not his body that was bleeding, but his soul. And that of the two lying in front of him.

Not even they knew.

They stood there with him, mourning over their loss. Their loss. Those words stayed in his mind. What he did not know was why. Was this not his loss as well? Yet he knew it was his fault, so how could it be loss? Accidents were purpose being fulfilled by the soul.

And his soul was tainted.

Heart and soul separated in him, he could neither cry nor smile. He was twisted, a demon, something that should not exist. The scar reminded him. The bitten flesh on his face let everyone know. It dripped its scarlet tears, still open and fresh. A forever reminder of his sins.

And now theirs was too.

The thin piercing on their necks was covered in red velvet, hiding the real reason for their sleep of death. They had received a curse of eternal suffering. They would be back, vexed to wander the darkened streets of hell on earth.

For once in his existence, he wished that there were some way to eliminate him, completely. Complete destruction of heart, mind, soul, and body. If he had never existed, they would not have to suffer…

He had told himself he would never let it happen. Not to them. He thought he could make it work this time. And now it was just like the others.

And it was his fault.

So he had only one choice. He had to disappear. Instead of hurting others, he would run. Was it cowardice or concern? No matter, he would go away, beneath the shadows…

That was really good. IM not very good at reviewing, but that i thought, was a really good story!! You should keep going with it though, like what happens to the boy, does he run, and if so, where to, and what happens, and if he stays, how does the boy get along with knowing what he had done to those to girls, and what do they do?

Hm... I'm hooked.

Usually I am very good at spotting things that need to be re-worded, but... i can't find anything there!

I love it!

And there is my opinion.

Hmm...spooky. This could be really good, or it could be really wierd. Weird is not bad, but I mean wierd in a messed up sense. You can get off with a lot of such weird though, if you have it, in the end at least, seen as evil and bad. Anyway, I liked it, and I hope it turns out to be interesting, intense, and good!

-greenjay

Honestly, why do you even need this? It isn't a prologue.

A prologue is a literary device which means you should only use it when it is appropriate.

Prologues should only be used when there is an event that occurs well in advance of the story that needs to be told. In Lord of the Rings, the prologue dealt with the history of the ring of power. It was important that we know about the ring's history because it set the stage for all the conflict to follow.

This prologue describes a guy that has just murdered two girls. It is entirely dramatic in nature. Prologues tend to be more historical in nature, because they deal with events that occur well in the past.

Here is the critical question: is the conflict in this passage the main conflict? Or is it just setting up all the conflict to follow?

If it is main conflict, then this needs to be scrapped and the info here needs to come out through the course of the story. Main conflict goes with the main story.

If it is setting up all the conflict to follow, then this is prologue material and we can proceed.

This critique is based on the idea that this piece is indeed setting up the main conflict.

It was his fault.

I got to tell you, whenever I see an italics surrounding dialogue, I brace myself and curse. Why? Because it is almost always complete angst. Angst is bad, it is almost as bad as wiping the screen with your own excrement. Almost.

To be sure, a little bit of angst is okay. This is not a lot of angst. It isn't a heck of a lot of angst. It is "throw me a life preserver because I'm drowning in-" angst.

Now that this is done, let's go on.

All he could do was stand there, two bodies side by side. Two girls, reaching the blossoming age of 16, now laid there, pale and devoid of life. They look so peaceful, they said. Too bad those people never made eye contact with them. They would see there is no peace in their eyes. The pain he could see, the pain he had caused, resonated in their silently fading eyes.

This is a confusing paragraph. There is no setting, so the reader presumes they are still at the site of their death. Not only do you not establish a setting in this paragraph but you don't establish a setting period!

So you see, this entire piece is compromised.

thanks for the slap in the face. I will adjust accordingly, but just to say, it is a bit of a prologue because it will affect his future actions and everything will be intertwined by the two girls and his actions... its all planned. But ya.

Hi there. Griffin had slapped you and I think I'll do the same too.

All he could do was stand there, two bodies side by side. Two girls, reaching the blossoming age of 16, now laid there, pale and devoid of life. They look so peaceful, they said. Too bad those people never made eye contact with them.

Ever heard of show don't tell? You are telling here. I don't care about their age first of all. Secondly, how do they look peaceful? How can you describe that they were devoid of life?

I noticed you divided the prologue into several parts by listing sub headings in italics. Under each heading, you tried to expand on the situation, but failed.

Why? You expaned the scene too much in many different ways. There was hardly any action in this. It's just ...boring.

The sub headings are irrelevant too.

But the reason why this doesn't make a good prologue is because it is weak. Some girls died. Who cares? A lot of people die in the world, how does your murder scene distinguish it from the rest? Where is the emotion in this? I couldn't even relate to the girls nor your main character. All you gave us is what the main character sees, hardly any substance.

Overall, I think it could be better if you showed rather than tell. Also, put more action into the prologue. This is so weak at the moment and I cannot see how this will have a strong relationship with the rest of the story.

Hm... I thought it was good. MAbye it should go in poetry but... Thats just me being stupid. Okay, I don't think I could find any gramatical errors or anything so I'm just going to babble on endlessly about nothing. *Head/desk*

~Pol~

well definitly this was a rough draft to an intro of one of my stories I am working on. So Ya I will fix and repost ASAP

I'm terrible at reviewing, so, obviously, I couldn't see anything wrong with this. It was dark and really haunting. Good job! I'd like to see more.

Wow that was great. Hers a small critique for a great story.



1.All he could do was stand there, two bodies [lay there] side by side. Two girls, reaching the blossoming age of 16, now laid there, pale and devoid of life.

2.They stood there with him, mourning over their loss. [Their loss].


3.What he did not know was why[?]

Well thats it

I admit I really have no idea what I'm talking about, being no great writer myself, but I quite like this prologue. I can somewhat see why some people are saying that the piece seems confusing, but I kinda thought that was supposed to be the point. Not sure if I'm just missing something, but...

In any case, perhaps a bit more description of the girls would be nice, and maybe even a bit of scene-setting-- as long as, of course, such a thing wouldn't give away anything vital in the plot's future. It feels to me like this it the kind of thing that will be expanded on a bit later in the story, so I totally understand if that can't be done because it would give away parts of the plot.

Also, I thought some of the description (especially the part about the wound dripping "scarlet tears") felt a little cliche, but that's probably because that particular phrase sort of makes me think more of overly angst-y poetry than anything else.

Nice one, overall you did a fantastic job of pulling people into the piece, I'm eager to hear more!

(And my sincerest apologies if I broke a thread necromancy rule of some sort by posting on a story that's been off the front page for so long. darchoco is an old friend of mine IRL, so I was happy to see his work here and wanted to leave a review, but I completely understand if this breaks any rules. I checked the forum rules, but I didn't see any mention of it... but on some other forums I know of, people get pretty mad about thread necromancy, so again, if this isn't allowed, I am really sorry!)