Claudestine

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Prologue
Angel from the sky




Perugia was situated between undulating emerald hills of magnificence, nestled next to immense, voluptuous mountains. The hills were dotted with dark green pines and the earthen ground behind it showed through patches. Arising from behind this view came the mountains—a force of great heights and coloration. From the base to the top, the mountains were enveloped in smoky blue, only touching violet at the very tips; where the ominous points touched the baby blue sky with a dignified gentleness.

The sky itself was a thing to behold; with the light streaming down onto the city like great golden arms. Clouds, like laughing children, embraced the bright blue hue of the open air with a serenity that was to be awed at. Among these hills of stature, topped upon the mounted trees, coffee colored houses, each one forming after the other like earthen giants—castles of the hills. They came at an undulating pace; the blood-red roofs a stark contrast to the milky blue of the mountains behind it.

All was quiet in the mountainous town; the only sound were from the sky—the chirping of passing hawks, the rustle of the wind as it brushed past the pine leaves, and the slowly, steady movement of the people in the town. Like tan-colored ants, the people down below in the town were running about their usual errands. Children ran around wildly in the town center, enjoying the feel of the sun’s warming rays on their bare backs. Women holding baskets of cloth and bags of food from the inner Market shouted at them, yelling curses and warnings of the sun’s danger with the slightest of smiles. The men of the town were laboring over a newly built wall, or hurrying their scolding wives into the tan-colored houses with a gentle force.

No one could imagine that such a place of peace could be the landing of what happened next.

Many people in Perugia, at the moment when the thing flew out of the sky, where too preoccupied to noticed anything out of the ordinary. And even if they had, they would have told themselves it was a trick of the light, or the sun’s rays bouncing off a cloud. But it was neither. Somewhere in the distance, across the brightness and shimmering blue of the mid-morning sky, an illuminated dot formed itself. One could have easily mistaken it for a star, had it been night and not day.

Within a few minutes, it was more a bulky shape than a dot, however, and it was then when the people of Perugia really took notice of it. Many a man and woman shielded his or her eyes to watch as what seemed to be a piece of reddish gold became larger and more pronounced with every second. The children stopped in the midst of their playful games to glance in wonder at the sky. At first, people assumed it was a passing plane, or perhaps a light in the sky. But when they saw that the tinge of red was made by the burning flames that engulfed the object, they lost their curiosity and gained fear.

It was the women who started to scream, their eyes widening, their hands wringing in their linen skirts. They hurried after the children—who were not fearful, as most innocent children are—pushing them into shadowed doorways and yelling at the ones who ran from under their skirts to watch in awe as the shape took the form a an oval-shaped ball of red and black flame. The men ran inside their houses, soon arming themselves with what they thought could ward off what seemed to them to be an intruder. The air was filled with pleads to God and repentance for whatever they thought they had done wrong to have this fall upon them.

The second thought that occurred to them, as their small minds tried to understand the meaning of the thing that inched towards the earth, was that it was a meteor. A similar thing had occurred, they had heard, in Greece. Perhaps this was a broken piece of waste hurdling through the air from the outreaches of space? Whatever it was, the people knew to take cover. Soon it was so close to the surface that the heat of the flames embraced the trees around it, whose leaves soon turned orange. No one was left in sight, afraid of becoming burnt.

When it collided with the earth, everyone could feel it. Some even peeked through misted windows to see what was happening. It was more of a sensation that they all felt, rather than the sound that was heard. The earth shook for a split second, lights flickered, and children slid a few inches forward; screaming with excitement while their mothers hushed them worriedly. Then Perugia halted, and became silent; the only noise was the rush of wings of a hundred birds that lifted from their nestled areas in the trees into the sky with shrieking protests at being disturbed.

For a few long moments, no one moved. The eyes that peered through the window saw and reported on a piece of black stone. The fire had been extinguished moments before landing, through some mystery of the atmosphere. But was it really stone? It seemed carved, two parts; one left and one right, were etched and textured as if it were covered in tarred feathers. It was no larger than the size of a man, and lay on its side, unmoving.

With apprehension marked on their faces, a few curious and frightened people crept out from their hiding places; through trees and houses, from behind boulders and hills. The bravest could only bring himself to step ten feet away from the thing, shaking all the while. It still didn’t move. Neither did the people, until, without seeming to put any effort into it, a young girl walked straight up to the black stone and tapped it gently with a forefinger.

Everyone in the town gasped at the audacity, at the boldness of the child. Her wavy blonde hair flapped in the passing breeze, as she passed her pale fingertips over the object, feeling it’s intense warmth which comforted her. Her name was Pipi Agostina, and she was not afraid. Strangely enough, as Pipi’s large olive eyes scanned the dark object, and as her touch to the thing grew warm, she realized it could not be a stone. For as she felt the warmth of it radiated through her thin fingers, she could—beneath it, feel a drumbeat. It was consistent, soft like a hum; a heart beat.

Pipi’s eyes widened as she realized the object was a living, breathing, man. Or what she thought must be a man. The other people around her started as they saw her look of utter surprise. They called to her in frightened tones, asking in wonder about the invader. Pipi told them in hushed tones that it was something very alive. This only proved to further their anxiety, screaming at the bewildered child to get back before it became the death of her.

Pipi didn’t move. There was something about this living creature that she was drawn to, something that kept her calm and made her soul feel warmed. She would not draw back, not ever, not until she saw the creature in full. That was when it moved. She had almost forgotten it could, being alive and all, and she practically jumped back; not in terror but in shock. She felt the people of Perugia back a few inches worriedly, as if the thing would attack them where they stood at any given moment.

With what seemed to be a monumental effort, the creature unfolded itself and brought itself upright into a standing position. A few of the women screamed; and then subsided as they saw what it was. The men lowered their weapons in obvious shock, and Pipi felt her eyes bring drawn to it, unable to pull the gaze away.

It was a man, or not a man; one could not say for sure. It had the built of a man, young perhaps—he could possibly pass for seventeen or twenty. He was covered in black, but it was obvious now that this was from the ash brought on by the fire that had once enveloped him. His face was a bit unclear through the substance, but his eyes—as bright blue as any of the towering mountains behind then—shown through the mess of black as they opened and stared at Pipi with a gaze that was hard to distinguish. Was it joy? Shock? Anger?

From his chest all the way down to his torso, he was thinly built; looking both half starved and beautiful. He was unclothed from the torso and below, and Pipi averted her eyes, looking, instead, at his back; where two large things protruded awkwardly. She realized that when, before, she had noticed a strangely textured area upon what used to be thought as the stone, was really a pattern of matted and dirty feathers. And as the being stood and continued looking at her, seemingly puzzled about something, she realized they were none other than voluptuous yet strangely arched wings.

An angel had fallen from the sky.




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Evangelina wrote:
All was quiet in the mountainous town; the only sound were from the sky—the chirping of passing hawks, Hawks dont really chirp the rustle of the wind as it brushed past the pine leaves, and the slowly, steady movement of the people in the town. Like tan-colored ants, the people down below in the town were running about their usual errands. Children ran around wildly in the town center, enjoying the feel of the sun’s warming rays on their bare backs. Women holding baskets of cloth and bags of food from the inner Market shouted at them, yelling curses and warnings of the sun’s danger with the slightest of smiles. The men of the town were laboring over a newly built wall, or hurrying their scolding wives into the tan-colored houses with a gentle force.

Pipi didn’t move. There was something about this living creature that she was drawn to, something that kept her calm and made her soul feel warmed. She would not draw back, not ever, not until she saw the creature in full. That was when it moved. She had almost forgotten it could, being alive and all, and she practically jumped back; not in terror but in shock. She felt the people of Perugia step back a few inches worriedly, as if the thing would attack them where they stood at any given moment.

With what seemed to be a monumental effort, the creature unfolded itself and brought itself upright into a standing position. A few of the women screamed; and then subsided as they saw what it was. The men lowered their weapons in obvious shock, and Pipi felt her eyes b[s]r[/s]eing drawn to it, unable to pull the gaze away.

It was a man, or not a man; one could not say for sure. It had the buil[s]t[/s]d of a man, young perhaps—he could possibly pass for seventeen or twenty. He was covered in black, but it was obvious now that this was from the ash brought on by the fire that had [s]once[/s] enveloped him. His face was a bit unclear through the substance, but his eyes—as bright blue as any of the towering mountains behind the[s]n[/s]m—shown through the mess of black as they opened and stared at Pipi with a gaze that was hard to distinguish. Was it joy? Shock? Anger?


This was nice. You only had a few errors. One of them being a nitpick. Descriptions were very descriptive. Since this is a prologue i'm not sure on a few things. If Pipi is going to be a main character i hope you flesh her out more. Give her a personality. I enjoyed the group dynamics. Crowd behaviour is so predictable.

Nicely done.
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Adam had said what I wanted so I'll go on to giving you a nice ego stroke :)

Well written and flowed along nicely. Since you haven't shown a main character yet in this story, I thought it's best that I'll remind you to be sure to have interesting characters in this novel.

I'm interested, post more.
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Thanks you all! I don't know if I should post more--can this thread be deleted when the novel is finished?
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This is a nice start to a story; I like your finishing line. The concept is very good - I wouldn't have thought to write a story about an angel literally falling from the sky.

However, there's one thing in this piece that bothers me: it's verbose. There are so many places where you use descriptions that come across as a little superfluous. It's important to give people a sense of place and time, but really you want to use words as sparingly as you can.

Evangelina wrote:Perugia was situated between undulating emerald hills of magnificence, nestled next to immense, voluptuous mountains. The hills were dotted with dark green pines and the earthen ground behind it showed through patches. Arising from behind this view came the mountains—a force of great heights and coloration. From the base to the top, the mountains were enveloped in smoky blue, only touching violet at the very tips; where the ominous points touched the baby blue sky with a dignified gentleness.

This paragraph uses such lofty language that it really doesn't "click" well. I think that simpler descriptions would suffice here, because honestly, using this kind of vocabulary and structure can be distracting to readers, especially in the first paragraph. I know that every writer wants to fill their stories with lush description, but sometimes more is less, especially in a piece like this that has no dialogue.

Some of your word choices like "undulating" and "voluptuous" don't really match what you're describing. Undulating CAN describe something that's stationary but sinuous, but I usually think of it as describing something in motion. It's not incorrect, but there are other words that would serve your purpose better. Voluptuous, on the other hand, has a sensuous connotation - it comes from the Latin word for "pleasure" ... I don't really think it's the word you meant to use. It doesn't really have much to do with physical shape (unless one is referring specifically to a woman, in which context it might refer to someone pleasingly curvy/full figured - that's probably how you've heard it used in the past). It's more about indulgence of the five senses rather than shape or structure.


The sky itself was a thing to behold; with the light streaming down onto the city like great golden arms. Clouds, like laughing children, embraced the bright blue hue of the open air with a serenity that was to be awed at.

The "was a thing to behold" and "was to be awed at" is kind of repetitive. Either change one of them to a more active verb, or change your syntax to create more purposeful parallel structure.


All was quiet in the mountainous town...
... houses with a gentle force.

This paragraph is somewhat repetitive; it re-iterates the part about the children playing - which was already described in the last paragraph. Also, you use "tan-colored" twice.


No one could imagine that such a place of peace could be the landing of what happened next.

I don't think this is a very strong sentence. It reminds me of a sentence from J.K. Rowling's latest that ran something like "And then a lot of things happened at the same time." It's kind of a cop-out because it avoids actually describing any action. Foreshadowing is a good idea, but try and add a little subtlety here.


Many people in Perugia, at the moment when the thing flew out of the sky, where too preoccupied to noticed anything out of the ordinary.

"Where" should be "were," and you might also want to move "at the moment when the thing flew out of the sky" to the beginning of the sentence. Dependent clauses like that don't have as much impact when they're nestled in the middle of a phrase.


They hurried after the children—who were not fearful, as most innocent children are—

This sentence is unclear. It makes it sound like most children ARE fearful, but I think you meant the opposite.


The second thought that occurred to them, as their small minds tried to understand the meaning of the thing that inched towards the earth, was that it was a meteor.

Again, you've got a little clause wedged in the middle that would be better off at the start of the sentence.


The next few paragraphs of writing where you describe the meteor falling to earth are very, very heavy with description. This isn't always a bad thing, but when you're writing, try to keep in mind where you want to go with each chapter. Things that are highly significant to the story should obviously be described in greater detail, so don't spend a lot of time describing something that's not going to be important later. While the angel falling to the ground is obviously a milestone in the story, your descriptions are somewhat repetitive. Just make a mental list of the concepts you want to get across quickly - the townspeople were frightened, the meteor was hot - and try to achieve that goal in as few words as possible.


Neither did the people, until, without seeming to put any effort into it, a young girl walked straight up to the black stone and tapped it gently with a forefinger.

Again, the placement of this particular clause seems awkward to me.


They called to her in frightened tones, asking in wonder about the invader. Pipi told them in hushed tones that it was something very alive. This only proved to further their anxiety, screaming at the bewildered child to get back before it became the death of her.

Is there any reason that you didn't actually write out the dialogue here?


A few of the women screamed; and then subsided as they saw what it was.

I usually think of laughs, shouts, and screams as things that subside, not women. If you look up this word, most of the examples given will be of an object or concept, not a person, becoming lesser in degree - unless it's to describe a person, say, sitting down on a sofa or sinking into a chair. Again, this is just personal preference.


It was a man, or not a man; one could not say for sure. It had the built of a man, young perhaps—he could possibly pass for seventeen or twenty.

If he's a "man" I would go ahead and use male pronouns right away - I'm not sure why he starts out the sentence as an "it" and then turns to a "he" within the same phrase.


From his chest all the way down to his torso, he was thinly built; looking both half starved and beautiful. He was unclothed from the torso and below

Was his lower half not thinly built? Was only his upper half half-starved and beautiful? Check your syntax here, it's a little unclear.


And as the being stood and continued looking at her, seemingly puzzled about something, she realized they were none other than voluptuous yet strangely arched wings.

In the immortal words of Inigo Montoya...


An angel had fallen from the sky.

Great ending. :smt045

As I said earlier, try to work on not bogging down your paragraphs with two much description. It's hard when you're doing setup work like this, but it's important if you want to hook your readers at the beginning: the easier it is to follow, the more likely they are to keep reading.

The only other thing I would look at is word choice. If you're not 100% sure of what it means/the proper context, don't use the word until you've seen it in print a few more times and you're solid on its meaning and usage. Next I'm probably going to say the opposite of what everyone else on the face of the earth has ever told you, but... stay away from the thesaurus if you're accustomed to using one. The only thing you really need a thesaurus for is if you've got a word that's just on the tip of your tongue but don't know what it is, or if you're looking for a synonym with a certain number of syllables. There's no reason to try and work in words that are outside of your usual vocabulary.
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Thanks so much everyone!
------------------------------

Chapter I
Lord of Lords




It was a Sunday, a Holy day. The sky over the Vatican was a crystal-clear aqua that littered the room; even through the richly dressed curtains of red and gold. It sprayed across the snow-like white fabric that covered the floor from wall to wall, and gently touched the bronze cheek of the sleeping woman on the four-poster bed.

The room itself was a wonder to behold. The walls of the extensive chamber was covered in rich tapestries from Venice, laden with heavy lace and printed with beautiful figures of women and children. Bookshelves line one wall, side by side in juxtaposition to the bed where the concubine slept soundly. Below the large, golden-framed window, sat a perfectly full-length clear mirror, with a drawing table of old hickory wood beside it.

A man was standing, proud to the point of arrogance, in front of the mirror. He was gazing at himself with a look of utter fanaticism, as if completely and totally in love with the figure before him. He was a tall man, though thick in the middle, with an abnormally large nose and watery grey eyes of steel. His skin was smooth and pale like a child’s, but the way he stood and he manner of which he stared at himself, proved to show he thought he had great stature. And he did.

As the Pope, Andolin V had the greatest stature in the known world. He was held almost as high as a king, although no kings had existed for the last three hundred years. He always got whatever tickled his fancy; whether it was riches, power, or women. He smiled at himself. He thought he was rather handsome, in his black silken robe, a giant yellow serpent reaching itself from his feet to the lower part of his chest.

It was late in the morning. The sun was already half-way up to the horizon; telling Andolin it had to be past seven. Mass would be gathering in the main hall within the hour, but Andolin spent a few long moments admiring himself. It was a servant that interrupted his reverie, much to his prolonged dismay. He whirled around as two servants—one holding a water basin and a cold, wet towel; the other holding nothing but a pleasant smile.

The woman in the bed, half-covered in the silk and goose feather sheets, mumbled something in her sleep. Her dark hair, reddish in the light, was spread across her pillow in a fan. One eye was pressed against the linen, the other closed; long, thick eyelashes sticking out in odd angles. One of her arms lay tangled between the sheets, a small tattoo—a band of thorns—showing on a ring around her upper arm.

“Wake up,” Andolin snapped at the sleeping woman, “For God’s sakes woman, you sleep like a hog.”

Idyll’s eyes fluttered open, and she mumbled something before sitting up. She was wearing nothing but a thin, white laced brassier, and Andolin felt a jolt of longing down his side. He shook it off.

“Get up now,” he said annoyed, “mass starts in forty minutes. I don’t have time for your loitering.”

She snarled something indistinguishable through her fingers. Idyll Pisano was a beautiful woman—more beautiful than any other woman in the whole of Western Europe. This was one of the reasons why Andolin had forced her to live in his private quarters, and why, every night; he took her as his own. She was darker than most Italian women, bronze with a clear, silky complexion. When she spoke, she had more of a Sicilian accent—rich and deep, rather than the high quip of the Venetians. She had tanned from the many years she had been seaborne as a child.

The thing that made Andolin want her most, and the thing that made him hate her most, was her spirit. Idyll was a rebel, through and through. She hated being cooped up in the Vatican, even if it was a huge place like a castle. She disliked even being near the old relics, the crosses and pictures of saints long dead and gone. She, herself, was no religion. She had lost faith many years ago, the day her father died. But what she hated most was the thing she had the least hope of getting rid of; Andolin himself.

Andolin was in no mood to be snarled at. Sunday was his least favorite day. He would have to sit for hours on end, watching as the normal weekly processes took their place with the slow and tedious motion of a grandfather clock. It would be hot in the afternoon, mosquitoes would find their way through cracks and holes of the marble, and they would be persistently irritating. He would have nothing to eat except for the cracked bread and the tippet of old red wine; and he would have to watch hundreds upon hundreds of men, women, and children file into the chapel with a solid resolution. God, did he hate people.

For a fleeting moment, turning to his servant—who was still holding the basin of now turning cold water—Andolin considered faking ill. He could complain of a pounding headache, a severe pain in the back, an uneasiness of the bowels. He considered it as the servant waited. Then he shrugged. He had used those excuses time and again. It would be better if he just did hid dues like a good pope. He returned to the servant.

“Get her dressed,” he commanded. “I want her in the entrance of the chapel in the hour. I must be attended to during the service.”

Idyll rolled her eyes with exaggerated annoyance, and slapped the servants’ hand away as he tried to comply with Andolin’s order. She rolled out of the bed, her smooth feet hitting the floor with a loud noise. She pulled herself up and straightened her nightgown with a dignified pull.

“I can dress myself.” She muttered darkly, pushing back a dark tendril that had fallen to her forehead.

“I almost forgot,” Andolin replied sardonically. He turned to the basin and began to wash himself fervently, replacing the towel with a bowl of cream and started to lather himself. The servant left and returned momentarily with a sharp, clean razor and a robe. The robe was made of a thick fabric, spun with gold thread. After shaving, Andolin replaced the dull blade in the sodden bowl and returned it to the servant’s hands. He opened the doors to another chamber, whose doors had previously been blocked by a large and ornate painting of Louise XIV. The room could not be seen as the painting swung back into place, a slight creaking of the hinges the only thing that proved there was anything behind it. Andolin disappeared.

Idyll was now alone in the chamber, standing on the cold granite imprinted with designs of butterfly wings. The air was warming quickly, the breeze lifting her curls slightly, floating in from the window Andolin had left open. She stepped into the light, a crown of sunrays that danced on the floor, and closed the window. The warmth of the sun reminded her of her home island, where it was always hot and sunny.

She sat down at the bureau opposite of the painting, a small thing that used to be a marble bathtub. Andolin had spent a lot of money to refurbish it and turn it into a small, round table. He had placed a large mirror with small diamonds that wreathed the top and bottom of the glass. It had been a present for Christmas, and Idyll despised it.

As she stared at her reflection, opposite, she realized how pathetic she was. A woman of her strength, of her beauty—trapped by an old…she groaned. Looking into her own eyes, she recognized anger, and something else. Some other emotion mixed with the fury that was her everyday companion. Was it Pain? Sadness?

All she knew was that it was something that would take more than jewels or gold to fix.
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Eva, I have just fallen in love with your story.

This is brilliant. Sure, there are a few things to fix here and there, but on the whole the story is superb. I think you really got rolling in your first chapter. That's when you blow the reader away. I think in the prologue you were a tad wordy, as lynlyn pointed out, but in your second post you fixed that with your dark and cynical writing style. Kudos times ten.

Characters:

So far you have three main characters:

1.) The pope: You have wonderfully portrayed this character. His personality is distinct and I can see him completely. However, I think maybe the way you depicted his corruption may have been a bit off. All popes, I don't care how un-popelike they are, still tend to be religious men. I think that a corrupt pope would try and justify what he was doing. He would try and find loopholes in the bible. The pope in your story is very inpenitent about his extramarital sex. To remedy this, I think you should make him slightly crazy or at least very good at rationalization. A pope is a pope. He's Catholic. That means he has at least vestiges of 'righteousness' still left in him. Do you know what I'm saying?

2.) Idyll: Interesting name. Is it Italian? Or just a name you like? Anyway, to the profile. Idyll is done very well also. I can see her, I can feel her, I can imagine her being related to as well, which is the most important. And she's just plain interesting. Give her a little more personality and get inside her head like you did with the pope and you'll have a first rate character.

3.) Pipi: Not much to say here. I don't even know if she'll show up later in the story. But so far she's your typical child. Innocent, sweet, mild-mannered, fearless. Cliche, in a word. Unless they have cancer, children aren't all nice. Shake her up a little if you reintroduce her. Also, if you chose not to introduce her, don't give her a last name in the prologue. It's not neseccary. Just call her Pipi. Last names are generally unimportant and cumbersome in settings like prologues.

Dialogue:

Not much dialogue yet, but the interchange between pope and Idyll is very real and entertaining. Dialogue is a direct window into personality. Without good dialogue, your characters suck. However, you're doing nicely. And PS, you were right to keep the prologue speechless. It gives the narrator and therefore the reader a sense of aloofness.

Description:

You are extremely descriptive. Watch out. Sometimes the reader just doesn't care. Chose your battles wisely, in other words. Describe only what is important to the story or gives insight into a character. Your description for the most part is beautiful, but there is overkill in the prologue.

Perugia was situated between undulating emerald hills of magnificence, nestled next to immense, voluptuous mountains. The hills were dotted with dark green pines and the earthen ground behind it showed through patches. Arising from behind this view came the mountains—a force of great heights and coloration. From the base to the top, the mountains were enveloped in smoky blue, only touching violet at the very tips; where the ominous points touched the baby blue sky with a dignified gentleness.


The underlined words are words that are either archaic or overkill. The bolded words are descriptions that are cliche. You use 'undulating' as well in the next paragraph. A word like this can only be used in novel two or three times. Otherwise the reader begins to think you're obsessed. Scratch the voluptuous, it just doesn't work. And find different words for the bolded descriptions. 'Baby blue' and 'emerald green' have been used a million times. Every reader is tired of them.

In the first chapter, every description fits into place like a puzzle piece. It is absolutely mouth watering

Misc.:

Like tan-colored ants, the people down below in the town were running about their usual errands.


"Tan-colored ants" is also an extremely cliche description. Find a different one.

No one could imagine that such a place of peace could be the landing of what happened next.


You could remove this foreshadowing entirely if you wanted to. The transition without it is fine. To me, this sentence is both awkward and shallow. I've never liked the "how-little-did-he-know" foreshadowing. It's immature and... well, lame.

At first, people assumed it was a passing plane


Okay, so this is in the present time? Just to clarify?

_______________

Anyway, excellent job. I'm really looking forward to the next installment.

PS: Yes, did name the Eva in Honor after you. :wink:

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

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This is...an whatever time :S A seperate reality.

Idyll is pronounced I-dell.

Thanks for the best crit!

I'll work on more!
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill



You never really know how much of you takes residence in other people... We all exchange bits and pieces of ourselves with each other until we're big sparkly collages of everyone and everything we've ever loved
— GengarTheGhost