Unknown Story Chap. 9 part 6

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*~*~*


Vathen faced a sleepless night. Planning things out and wondering what he should do about Khor. He must have feelings to let out after what he’d gone through. Vathen never had experience in this area. He lay in bed, waiting for it to be morning again. Eventuallu he stood and looked out the window. The white landscape dimmed slightly but it still remained bleak.

Vathen dressed and armored. He exited the room and walked downstairs. The wooden table wasn’t even set up yet. He entered the kitchen and saw the cook pulling on a swirling apron. “Good morning, Vathen.” Vathen nodded in response.

“I was just searching for something to help me wake up.”

“Then I have just the thing.” The short man rushed over to one of the cabinets and grouped around for a while. He eventually retrieved a dark colored bottle and set it on the table that was placed in the center of the kitchen. The cook eventually found two crystal glasses and set them next to the bottle.

“Thank you.” Vathen sat on a stool and allowed the cook to pour a red liquid into his glass. Vathen rose his glass and so did the cook.

“So, that was quite an event this afternoon.” Vathen nodded. “Is the boy alright? What happened?”

“I’m sorry, Jeres, it is very difficult to explain.”

“I understand. I’m just saying, it must have been pretty hard on the boy.”

“He is very strong.” The two eventually drained the bottle, mostly thanks to Jeres. Vathen eventually stood and exited the kitchen. When he came out the table was out and set. Vathen peeked back into the kitchen and saw Jeres cooking various things on twelve different stoves. Vathen smiled and sat at the table.

The morning was slow and Vathen had a conversation with spirits as they awoke until someone else came down they knew. Khor eventually came down with his hair in a huge mess. He sat next to Vathen and looked at him sleepily. That’s Khor.

“Now listen. I know you want to hear everything but can I at least get some food in me first?” Vathen nodded in response and massive trays of food came out. Vathen watched silently as Khor engulfed twelve pieces of toast, six eggs, four pancakes, seven waffles, eight pieces of bacon, and eleven sausages. When he wiped away the last drop of syrup he directed his attention to Vathen.

He told him everything from when the headaches began to the conversations with Kizen and the fight with the fire guardian. Vathen merely listened and nodded to show he followed. “And then I went to sleep.”

“Thank you.” Khor looked at him expectedly as if wanting praise for his good deeds.

“That’s it?”

“I’m so sorry. I believe I forgot to mention we will have to leave this afternoon. We are a bit early but news has come up and we must collect the rest of the mission.” Khor looked dumbfounded and stunned, and like he couldn’t figure which one he should be first. “Pack whatever you have left. We leave in four hours.” He stood and left Khor to stare at the empty chair flabbergasted.

Vathen pushed through the usual morning throng and eventually found Jlk and Gyth talking to a spirit. The spirit drifted away and Vathen approached them. “My friends, I am sorry but I must leave in a short time. I apologize for the short notice but time is of the essence.”

“I am sad to see you leave but I understand considering what you told us before the attack.” Said Jlk.

“Farewell, my friend.” Vathen nodded and left them. Vathen climbed the stairs and entered his room. He cleaned out his drawers and put his clothes into a pack. He also packed rations, water jugs, and soap. He put on a lightweight under armor underneath his white shirt and cloak. He put leggings and white boots on underneath his black pants.

He exited the room and found Khor’s. When he entered he found Khor putting on Melden and then tying on grieves. Khor looked up and said, “Time to go?”

“We have an hour or two to say goodbye and clear things up.” Khor nodded in response and Vathen left the room.


~*~*~

Khor redid the strap on his pack and looked at himself in the mirror. He was showered, combed, and ready to leave. He had no idea why they had to leave or where they were going but he figured he should let his last few hours in Yeseve nice, and without questions.

Khor stepped downstairs and saw a gathering of spirits around the table. They were holding drinks and pastries. When they saw him come down they all cheered, “Hooray!” The grabbed him and pushed pastries into his hands. Vathen was also given drinks and treats.

“Settle down! Everyone listen!” Jlk shouted as he drifted to the front of the gathering. “Khor and Vathen, especially Vathen, you have brought adventure, happiness and interesting rumors to Yeseve! All of which I have disregarded. We thank you and are sad to see you go so soon! To Vathen and Khor!” All raised their glasses and shouted in unison, “Khor and Vathen!” All drank deeply from their mugs or goblets and Vathen and Khor were pushed to the front.

“Thank you my friends. You’re hospitality has never failed even after many years.” Vathen shouted.

The rest of the few hours Khor and Vathen spent on Yeseve were spent in happiness and cheer. Once nearly everyone was filled with pastries and drinks Vathen insisted on having to leave. All the spirits moaned and groaned and Vathen eventually found Jlk. “Thank you for setting all this up, my friend. But I really must leave now. I enjoyed the party and thank you for it deeply.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“I will be back. That I will guarantee.” Jlk nodded and Vathen found Khor. Vathen put his hand on his shoulder and he nodded. Khor found his pack and the two exited the building.

Once they were nearly out of vision range of Yeseve Khor turned to Vathen. “So, are we going to go to wherever we’re going out of Yeseve?”

“No, we’re going to have to travel in the world of the living.”

“Where’re going?”

“To finish the mission.”

“Why can’t we travel through Yeseve?”

“After several weeks of residing in Yeseve our bodies will start to reject the spirit world. Either we will be forced to leave or our spirit’s will stay behind and possibly never find our bodies again.”

“Oh.” The two walked in silence for a few more minutes until Vathen announced, “We should do it here.” They stopped and Vathen used the Favthom. “.” A doorway of light burst open in front of the two. Vathen stepped through it and disappeared. Khor followed leisurely.

He was nearly blinded but when the light died down he saw a soft green light. He inhaled deeply and stretched out. “At last! Something other than swirling white!” He was in a large open field with a forest behind him which he guessed was the Rythrin Forest. The grass smelled like it had just rained and everything was fresh and new.

He looked around and saw Vathen still walking. Khor ran to catch up and slowed his pace as he was now next to him. “You’re pretty emotionless after being in the never changing, lifeless, spirit world to coming out in a nice, midsummer day.” Vathen shrugged and Khor rolled his eyes…
Last edited by Poltergiest on Wed Aug 01, 2007 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

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Saw no-one had crit this so I'll give it a shot (but I'm no master).

Vathen faced a sleepless night. Planning things out and wondering what he should do about Khor. He must have feelings to let out after what he’d gone through. He never had experience in this area. He lay in bed, waiting for it to be morning again. He stood and looked out the window. Sudden change in position awkward The white landscape dimmed slightly but it still remained bleak.

-Not sure who you're talking about in the red. In the orange, there are far too many hes. The sentence structures are also wobbly here.

Vathen dressed and armored sp. armoured. a 'then' or similar in here would look better He exited the room and walked downstairs. The wooden table wasn’t even set up yet. He entered the kitchen and saw the cook pulling on a swirling apron.

Again, lots of he and bad sentences.

Most problems here stem from the sentences. Don't start a new one for every action. Weave them together so that the story flows rather then jars every now and then. And avoid starting every sentance with 'he' etc. as it makes it sound bad.

Sort out these problems and it'll be good work! :)




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Coolness, the plot thickens! (Just like soup! Oh, sorry, I'm hungry :P)

-something with green and jay in it
the greenjay strikes again...




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Not the best chapter so far but the dialogue is pretty good and you have some nice descriptions. Maybe expand them a little more so that the reader gets a more vivid image of the scenery and such. The usual suggestions -

Vathen never had experience in this area. [A little awkward. perhaps 'Vathen had no experience in this area.']

Eventualluy he stood and looked out the window.

The short man rushed over to one of the cabinets and [s]grouped[/s] groped around for a while.

He eventually retrieved a dark colored bottle and set it on the table [What happened to the table not being out yet?] that was placed in the center of the kitchen. The cook eventually [You use this word way too often! Replace it a few times.] found two crystal glasses and set them next to the bottle.

Vathen [s]rose[/s] raised his glass and so did the cook.

Vathen eventually [Again, don't use eventually here.] stood and exited the kitchen. When he came out the table was out and set. [You mean the table that was supposedly not out before? Lol. Sorry but that bothered me a bit. You have to be careful not to contradict yourself.]

He had no idea why they had to leave or where they were going but he figured he should let his last few hours in Yeseve be nice, and without questions.

They grabbed him and pushed pastries into his hands.

[s]You’re[/s] Your hospitality has never failed even after many years.

“Where’re we going?”

Overall, I'm wondering when everything is going to come together because at the moment your plot has some gaping holes through it and you need more character interaction between the main characters of your novel but you're doing well and it will be even better when you have it neatened up.
Writing Gooder

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My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
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