Endless Time Stops

I am, as ever, not completely clear on the concept of genres and classiflying my work, so I threw this in here. If it's in the wrong section or whatever I apologise. As stated this is my first post here so... go for it =D


Endless Time Stops.

Lost in an existence no longer mine

I crawl along a divide

In endless time

Ticking down

To a careful

Inevitable

Stop

Then Only

To once again

Move ever faster

To never completely stop

In this small crawling space

I lose myself to an existence

Not entirely my own.

I t was pretty good, just a few things.

1.) you could add some punctuation to the piece. Sometimes it helps the reader with the flow.

2.) Is this a shape poem? If so i can't tell what it is. If not, your line segments are off. Even so it seemed to work ok, though it doesn't always work that way.

3.) In the 12th line stop for some reason to me throws the rhythm off. Try another word like end, or you could keep it the same. It may not sound off to you.

4.) This is just to let you know you don't have to double space. Just so you know.

That's all I can see here. Keep writing, you never know what may happen.

I don't think you've introduced yourself properly, so welcome to YWS.

I like how you use the line shape, and not just the words. It's an interesting, and underused, concept. With the right fonts and a little time, this could make a really interesting looking typography piece ... *babbles*
If you're going for the whole effect of it shortening and lengthening (the line length, I mean) then I think "To a careful / Inevitable" and "Stop / Only" should have different line lengths. Especially "Stop / Only," because by having the second line be as long as the first, it takes away from the impact of the first.

Back on topic, I think the writing itself could use a little work. "Move ever fast / To never completely stop"; I think both of these lines are incredibly awkward, but the first is especially strange.

The concept is interesting, and very suffocating. I could feel (or, at least project my feelings onto) the narrator. I understood what they were feeling.

(... can you tell I'm more of a graphic designer than a poet?)

I thank you both for your welcome comments =]

Firstly (coz its the easiest) I know I dont have to double space, I double spaced because thats how I wanted it to look. My lack of punctuation in this peice (although I now realise I have one comma in ther ) was specific to this poem, regarding the flow of time and whatnot, I do not personally believe that punctuation is a humungoid issue in poetry lol. If that makes sense.


While I know what a shape poem is, this it not one (as far as i know) and Meep has it right (yay yoooh!) in that my lines were meant to get shorter and longer. I do agree with the issues of my word numbers, in regard to the shortening and lengthening.

Sometimes because its my own work my eyes pass over the punctuation and awkward problems and just jump to whether or not it sounds good (I have muchas faith in teh description hehe) so I once again thank you for the commentation.

And LOL Meep, I never would have guessed

Im not sure what to put here, it was a good poem, and i liked the way you presented it, kind of like... broken, yet whole and fluid.

The idea was great, the idea that time is botth neverending, yet entirely stopped, or maybe the idea that time is only perspective?

this raises more interresting questions, though, does time actually exist?
Or is it just a manifestation of humans trying to put order to their lives?

I liked it *Big thumbs up*
It was very creative and not entirely my fault that I got distracted by the shape it makes. I'm not saying that I was easily distracted from it! No! I liked it! Ugh... sorry. Here's what I have to say.

I really liked the way it flowed. Plus, it helped me understand it with the short sentences. Basically I just like the whole gist of the poem and where it started and ended. Great job!

Thanks,
Mikaela (Cally)

Yeah, punctuation could really give the reader a helping hand with this one.

I get the lineation! It's a physical manifestation of time as the lines shorten to one word (as time stops), but then the lines increase to show how time starts up again. Nice! *thumbs up*

You had some great imagery, particularly towards the end of the poem, but the piece lacked flow. You could solve this problem through better punctuation, as mentioned earlier.

Good job though. 7/10

I liked the poem. I even liked how you set up the poem. The words seem to trickle down the page and land into a big puddle.

I also liked the flow. It was quick and the feel was calm. Good job!

I also give it a 7/10!