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TIGWS:Rise of the Rebellion

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Eol allowed Lira and Kwest to stay in her house for the night. Despite the outside looks, it was a comfortable home. Before they left, Kwest made sure to give Eol a number to contact them by as well as a rendezvous point.

Flying through the alleys again, the wind in her face, Lira felt refreshed. She let out a satisfied sigh. In the distance they glimpsed the sun rising and its orange glimmer on the skyscrapers. Soon the bright rays filled the city with energy and light.

“Oh, how pretty!” Lira declared, gazing at it. A few more minutes passed, and Lira slowed the speeder down.

“What is it, Lira?” Kwest asked nervously.

“Someone’s following us,” she replied.

“Not someone. Something,” Kwest whispered.

Lira brought the H-class speeder around a corner and silenced the engine. The two friends hopped out of the speeder and hid behind it, blasters drawn. They waited a few moments.

“Ya hear that?” Kwest breathed.

“Shhh…just a few seconds,” Lira murmured.

A buzzing sound grew louder and louder, coming slowly toward the corner. It was very close now. Kwest gripped his blaster, gently placing his finger over the trigger. He held his finger there for a few moments, then let go. Blaster fire rang out; Lira shot just moments after Kwest.
Both blasts hit their target. Kwest ran over to the smoking debris of a sentry droid.

“Hah! A spy droid,” Kwest announced.

“It must have followed us from Eol’s house!” Lira figured.

“Eol’s house! But that must mean…!” Kwest trailed off.

Lira and Kwest looked at each other, holstered their blasters, and jumped into the airspeeder.

Kwest piloted the speeder back to Eol’s house. There was smoke rising from it. Killing the engine and boosting out of the speeder, the two ran inside.

“Eol!” Kwest shouted.

Lira joined in. “Eol!”

The interior of the house was in shambles. Chairs were tipped over, and blaster fire had scorched the walls. Some droids lay smoking in heaps on the floor.

“We missed her!” Kwest exclaimed.

Lira walked into the room where the large computer screens occupied the walls. They were still there. All but one was shut off so it blended with the wall. The screen still activated was a security screen of the alley to the south of the house. Lira jogged over and looked at it, brushing the keys on the panel.

Suddenly an image appeared. It was Eol.

“Kwest, come quick!”

He ran inside. “What is it?”

“Look!” Lira said, pointing at the image.

“Hello, Kwest and Lira,” the image whispered. “If you are watching this, I was already captured by the Dark Empire. Don’t worry. It wasn’t your fault. Every week, droids do a sweep of the area. I forgot to warn you, and this time they did more than casually look over this area. Please don’t blame yourselves. I’ll be alright,” Eol said, then the image faded.

Kwest turned away, a sad, but angry look on his face. Lira walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay. We’ll find her,” Lira comforted.

The computer beeped. “This computer will self-destruct in 30 seconds,” it stated.

“Self destruct! But that’ll take out the whole house!” Kwest said, looking around.

“Well obviously, Eol wanted it to!” Lira returned. “Let’s go.”

Taking one last glance around, Kwest followed Lira to their speeder. They hopped in and behind them, Eol’s house exploded. Millions of pieces of debris flew around them and smoke rose from the burning remains.

~--~

The debate that Kwest and Lira came to see was basically a feud between the Loyalists, who had their hopes up, thinking that the Republics still existed, and the Imperials, who wanted control and power.

On the Loyalists’ side was the creation of resistances on planets who opposed the Dark Empire. The Imperials, of course, hated this, so this debate was concerning what to do about the resistances.

“I don’t know why the Emperor still holds debates and trials,” said Kwest as he and Lira walked to the Senate building. “He holds so much power, it’s not logical to have debates! They are going to come to his favor eventually!”

“Maybe he just wants to show the people that their representatives and delegates are still working and doing something,” Lira suggested.

“Yeah, probably. It’s just to show off his power,” Kwest said dryly.

Kwest and Lira walked into the building, and took the lift to the Senate room. Sitting in the guest seats, they waited. The Senate capacity was a vast, circular room, consisting of many round platforms that had a set of repulsorlifts, and could eject and float around the room.

The Senators, delegates, aides, ministers, and the Emperor slowly gathered into the large room, taking their respected seats. Lira eyed the Emperor. He looked calm. Of course, guards were stationed everywhere, but she sensed a darkness to him and, also, an unresolved conflict. The Emperor’s aide and right-hand man, a cocoa-gold skinned Promickan named Ten’Kil, stood up.

“Order in the Senate!” Ten’Kil called out in his hoarse voice. The senators and audience stopped talking, and the Emperor rose. “Emperor Ovnall of Galeon,” Ten’Kil said, gesturing to him.

“Greetings, senators and guests,” the Emperor declared. “Today we will decide what to do about these resistances.”

He spoke the word as if it was a curse, thought Lira.

“These rebellions have already sprung up on many planets. Our forces are keeping peace so far, but we are alarmed of further insurrection,” he continued.

“Peace?” Kwest whispered to Lira.

“I am curious of your opinions. The senator from Hotalia may come forward,” the Emperor said.

“Thank you, Your Highness,” the red, heat-resistant skinned senator said. His repulsorlift platform lifted and floated into the center of the room.

“Fellow senators and guests,” the Hotalian started, “These resistances are way out of place! The Empire is trying to keep peace, and these citizens decline it?! I say that if they do not follow the Imperials Policy and Law, they should be punished! The Empire wants peace, not war!”

A vibrating applause vibrated through the room, and the two presidents of Zatship Drive Yards watched as the evil smile on the Emperor’s face grew larger.

“I think this is it,” Lira whispered.

“Yup,” Kwest said sadly.

He looked around the room. Some senators had left their seats, others looked sadly at their fellow applauding senators, but most were yelling and cheering.

“Order! Order! “Ten’Kil called.

Emperor Ovnall stood up again, “So it is agreed that the Empire will take any means necessary to punish those who break the Law and resist the Empire?”

In answer, the Senate dome shook with applause and yelling.
Last edited by PsychicNinja on Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Hi Timea! This part was very good, especially when Lira and Kwest found out that Eol had been captured. Just a few specific points first -

The two friends hopped out of the speeder and [s]hide[/s] hid behind it, blasters drawn.

“Eol’s house! But that [s]mush[/s] must mean…!” Kwest trailed off.

Killing the engine and boosted out of the speeder. [This is phrased awkwardly. Perhaps 'Killing the engine, they both disembarked from the speeder' or 'Killing the engine, Kwest and Lira jumped out of the speeder.']

The interior of the house was in a shambles.

Chairs were tipped over, and blaster fire had scorched the walls.

“Well obviously, Eol wanted it [s]too[/s] to!”

The debate that Kwest and Lira came to see was basically a feud between the Loyalists, who had their hopes up, thinking that the Republics still [s]exsisting[/s] existed, and the Imperials, who [s]just[/s] wanted control and power.

Of course, guards were stationed everywhere, but she sensed a darkness to him and, also, an[s]d[/s] unresolved conflict.

“Today we will decide what to do [s]of[/s] about these resistances.”

“So it is agreed that the Empire will [s]do[/s] take any means necessary [s]and[/s] to punish those who break the Law and resist the Empire?”

____________________

Other than that, it was well written and I enjoyed it. A little more description would be nice but it's not necessary and I look forward to reading the next chapter.
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Oh, a sight for sore eyes! I'll try not to repeat anything that Kitty said, but consider her comments. :wink: Let's see...

Flying through the alleys again, the wind in her face, Lira felt good.


I don't really like that last phrase "Lira felt good." Could you rewrite the sentence?

“Not someone. Something,” Kwest whispered.


How would he know when he asked about it? An explanation would help, or a little rewriting.

Ya hear that!” Kwest breathed


Replace that exclamation point with a question mark. Since he said this under his breath, it makes no sense to make him exclaim it...unless you want to get technical. This a question, though and, therefore, needs a question mark.

Blaster fire rang out; Lira shooting just moments after Kwest


Ahh...the semicolon. Such a wonderful punctuation mark, I'll tell you. However, it's not used correctly here. Either change the semicolon to a comma, or change "shooting" to "shot." 'Tis a confusing little guy, the semicolon, but you'll soon get the hang of it.

Lira and Kwest booked at each other...


Oops! Typo! "looked," not "booked" :wink:

Killing the engine and boosted out of the speeder. The two ran inside


I found the problem, Kitty! You want a comma instead of a period after speeder. Another typo :wink:

Chairs were tipped over, and blaster fire scorched the walls. Some droids lay smoking in heaps on the floor


I'm just saying, but here's an example for the use of a semicolon. You could combine these two sentences with that handy lil' guy. The two sentences of a semicolon should be able to stand on their own, only the two sentences are in close relation, like these.

Eol’s house exploded.


Is it possible to tell us about the explosion? How Lira and Kwest felt as it exploded? How it sounded, felt, looked, smelled, and...um...tasted could work too (like swallowing dirt by accident)

The Senators, delegates, aides, ministers, and the Emperor slowing gathered into the large room, taking their respected seats.


"Slowly," not "slowing" :wink:

“Today we will decide what to do of these resistances.”

He spoke the word as if it was a curse, thought Lira.


Is it normal for someone to think that? Or point it out like this? Maybe you could just say this after the Emperor spoke and put "resistances" in italics. Like this:

"Today we will decide what to do (about) these resistances," he continued, saying the word as if it were a curse."

Not very good, but gives an idea as to what I mean.

His repulsorlift platform lifted and floated into the center of the room.


Is "repulsorlift" a word? And, maybe "hovered" is a better word than "floated." Just suggestions.

These resistances are way out of place!


Insert "a" between "are" and "way"

Overall, I liked this chapter. You are definitely improving your writing and description, I can certainly tell. It's becoming easier to picture the scene. Keep up the good work. Any questions, PM me or i'm usually available in the chatroom.

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Hey!

Not much to say, Jabber and Kitty pretty much said it all ready, but:

Like Jabber said, you are improving. Yay for you!
Your character development is moving nicely, and I like your descriptions.

One thing, though: Maybe give a little more day-to-day detail? For instance, when they're driving in the speeder at night could they watch the silky black city streets slip by, or something? Or the twinkling crystal lights of rebels snug in their beds?

Perhaps that is overkill.

Last thing: This sentence:

Quote:

“Oh, how pretty!” Lira declared, gazing.

This is a bit of a sticky sentence. Brings to mind this question: What is she gazing at? I mean, I know there's a sunrise and everything, but you also mentioned the glimmer on the skyscrapers. I think, for descriptive purposes, clarification of what she is gazing at would be nice.

Something to the effect of:
:arrow: “Oh, how pretty!” Lira declared, gazing at it.

:arrow: “Oh, how pretty!” Lira declared, gazing at the unusually beautiful sight for the city.

Overkill again? You tell me.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, be mindful. I am giving you suggestions.

Till the next chapter, have some peace, some love, and some chocolate.

Muffin




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Hey Timea, I want the other part hopefully there is one, Timea I got lost on where they were. I got lost, one moment they outside? the next their inside Eol's house? Help me out here!!! But over all good job!!!! :D

-Max
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nice job its coming along nicely! of course i helped.....




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Thank you all for posting! I posted this chapter so fast, all I did was type it, and then post it! I didn't have time to proof-read! I'm so sorry, but thanks for pointing my stupid mistakes out.

I just have a few things in answer to your posts:

(Well, I used just about all your suggestions)

1)Heather, I don't think 'in a shambles' makes sense.

2)Jabber, the 'Something' quote Kwest said was to hint that there is something more to him than meets the eye. :wink:

3) Jabber, I hate semi-colons! I only used them if I absoluetly have to!! But I fixed what you said. You will only see 3 or 4 more semi-colons in my story. :D

4)Okay...repulsorlift basically means floating. But a repulsorlift is the name of the machine that allows it to float. http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Repulsorlift
If you want to do more research, go to the link above.
And you didn't have to read a SW book to figure out what a repulsorlift is. They mentioned it in the movies. 8)

5)And an 'a' between are and way doesn't make sense. 'These resistances are a way out of place.'?

6)And Max, why are you lost. I don't think the others were when they read the story. Maybe you should read more carefully. :wink:

Thank you!

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Really? I've not seen it used in any other way. Oh wait, here we are. It appears that both are okay -

'a. A scene or condition of complete disorder or ruin: "The economy was in a shambles" W. Bruce Lincoln.
b. Great clutter or jumble; a total mess: made dinner and left the kitchen a shambles.'

(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/shambles)
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Really? I've never, ever seen it used like that?

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman




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Hey Pn! Sorry it has taken me so long to critique.

Everyone has pretty much covered the typos and grammer so i will just put down what i think of it.

You character development is great and you now are connecting more with the characters. Also your diaogue is good. You have managed to get through the characters emotions without putting the emotion after everything. I think this is really good. Overall it flows well and it has pace which i always think is good in a story like this.

Keep up the good work!

Saphira
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heylo!

There is only two things I have to say:

When Eol's house blew up, I could tell youwere trying to build up some tension, but the scene went by way too fast for me to feel anything. Slow it down just a little bit.

And then, when you had the debate, you had one guy stand up and say something, and it was over. Some of the senators were for the resistance, so you should have some opposition. One other Senator should stand up and say something, but he would get more boos than applause or something and his ideals would be crushed. Or something. A debate isn't a one guy speech.

Unless you were trying to say that the debate was rigged, in which case you sould make it more obvious.

Thank you for pming me whenevre you add new stuff! I really appreciate it.
Give me time, i'll crit your work XD I promise.
GO HORACE!
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hey great job timea.
stories coming along greatly :smt044




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:D nice (even though i see the lines where I helped you)! i think there could have been a better way for eol to be captured, though than the " forgot about the droid sweep " thing. it was okay, though. i'll be reading and commenting on your chapters from now on. yup. :)

Millions of pieces of debris flew around them and smoke rose from the burning remains.

" of" does get a little repetitive, though, and " a million pieces of debris" might flow better.




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Ah, this looks like the right one. XD

PsychicNinja wrote:She let out a pleased sigh.

"A pleased sigh" somehow doesn't flow... any other word you could replace "pleased" with?

PsychicNinja wrote:“Not someone. Something,” Kwest whispered.

Right, so I read from the other comments that there's a reason Kwest knows this... but in that case, shouldn't he have noticed before Lira did?

PsuchicNinja wrote:“If you are watching this, I was already captured by the Dark Empire. Don’t worry. It wasn’t your fault. Every week, droids do a sweep of the area. I forgot to warn you, and I forgot about it myself. Please don’t blame yourselves. I’ll be alright,” Eol said, then the image faded.

Yeah, I don't know if Eol would really forget something that major... even if she is distracted by an old friend's visit.

PsychicNinja wrote:The debate that Kwest and Lira came to see was basically a feud between the Loyalists, who had their hopes up, thinking that the Republics still existed, and the Imperials, who wanted control and power.

On the Loyalists’ side was the creation of resistances on planets who opposed the Dark Empire. The Imperials, of course, hated this, so this debate was concerning what to do about the resistances.

I found this was a little info-dumpy; not sure if it's the best way to introduce the political parties. I don't know what is the best way, lol, but... eh, I dunno.

PsychicNinja wrote:... she sensed a darkness to him and, also, an unresolved conflict.

Unresolved conflict... For some reason it sounds too specific and yet ambiguous enough at the same time o_0. Eh, leave it as is, lol.

PsychicNinja wrote:He spoke the word as if it was a curse, thought Lira.

Cool. :D

PsychicNinja wrote:“Thank you, Your Highness,” the senator said.

This time, I think the guy needs more description, lol. You've given us a "Hotalian", I think perhaps it should read more like:
Mattster wrote:“Thank you, Your Highness,” a tall? short? fat? skin colour? distinguishing features? figure said.

That's just me though. I still think you should tell us something about this Hotalian, even if he is a minor character.

PsychicNinja wrote:A roaring applause vibrated through the room...

This one is entirely opinion-based, but I think this would sound better as "a roar of applause". "Vibrated" is good though. :D

*cries* Not Eol! XD

A :smt023 from me. As always, I'll hit the next bit tomorrow.

- Mattstor!!
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