Before she placed the cellphone back into the pockets of her skirt,
Cell phone = two words.
*Random note* Did she always have a drink or did it just materialise out of thin air? Oo
She walked on, observing the waves,
Wasn't she just running?
*Random note* Is all the detail you put in here really necessary? You seem to like going overboard on showing the menial actions your MC does -- like throwing away that cup. Did you really need to include every detail? I think you could paraphrase that entire action into one simple sentence. You do that multiple times and it really detracts from the story.
“Ooo, maybe I should press this,” she said, studying the bell sitting on the counter.
In front of it was a note. Written in a black marker, it says:
Press the bell for service-Bellamy.
Whoa... obvious much? Trim the fat plzthxbai.
I'm so dead to the world right now that I'm utterly lost and confused, but those are my comments. I'll come back and reread this to clarify meaning to myself later on.
But you seriously need to work on your detailing. There is such a thing as too much detail, just read Anne Rice.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
