jelosy is not a game

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boy and a girl,
the best of friends.
From elementary to high school
from
beginning to end.

Through all those years
their friendship grew.

They both felt the same,
but neither knew.
Each waking moment
since the
day they met.
They both loved each other
sunrise to sunset.

He was all she had
in her terrible life.
He was the one
who kept her from her knife.
She was his angel,
she made him smile.
Though life threw him curves,
she made it all worth while.

Then one day
things went terribly wrong.
The next few weeks
were like a very sad
song.

He made her jealous
on purpose he tried.
When the girl asked, "Do you love her?"
on purpose he lied.


He played with jealousy
like
it was a game.
Little did he know
Things would never be the same.
His plan was working
but he had no clue.
How wrong things would go,
the damage he would do.

One night she broke down,
feeling very
alone.
Just her and the blade,
no one else home.

She dialed his number,
he answered, "Hello"
She told him she loved him

and hung up the phone.
He raced to her
house
just a minute too late.
Found her lying in blood,
her heart
had no rate.

Beside her was a note,
in it her confession.
Her love for this boy,
her only obsession.

As he read the note,
he knelt down and cried.
Grabbed her knife,
that night they both died.

She was found in his arms,
both of them dead.
Under her
note
his handwriting said:

"I loved her
so,
she never knew.
All this time
I loved her
too."
Dark clouds come down on me. I can't see, I can't breath. What's wrong with me?




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This was great Naarah, but I think that you could maybe use some spell check. I just wanna help I know today was your first day, so I won't be too harsh. Good luck! Keep on writing.


-Max
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™




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EMida75 wrote:Boy and a girl, You also might want to add "A" in front of this so it makes more sense.
the best of friends.
From elementary to high school,
From beginning to end.

Through all those years
their friendship grew.
They both felt the same,
but neither knew.

Each waking moment
since the day they met.
They both loved each other
sunrise to sunset. You sort ofoveruse the from blah to blah factor. I get that it's a long time from the first one.

He was all she had
in her terrible life.
He was the one
who kept her from her knife. 8s

She was his angel,
she made him smile.
And though life threw him curves,
she made it all worth while.

Then one day Too short.
things went terribly wrong.
The next few weeks
were like a very sad song.

He made her jealous
on purpose he tried.
When the girl asked, "Do you love her?"
on purpose he lied.


He played with jealousy
like it was a game.
Little did he know
Things would never be the same. Too long.

His plan was working
but he had no clue.
How wrong things would go,
and the damage he would do.

One night she broke down,
feeling very alone.
Just her and the blade,
no one else home. Home and alone don't really rhyme.

She dialed his number,
he answered, "Hello"
She told him she loved him
and hung up the phone.

He raced to her house
just a minute too late.
Found her lying in blood,
her heart had no rate. This sounds just a little odd.

Beside her was a note,
in it her confession.
Her love for this boy,
her only obsession.

As he read the note,
he knelt down and cried.
Grabbed her knife,
that night they both died.

She was found in his arms,
both of them dead.
Under her note
his handwriting said:

"I loved her so,
she never knew.
All this time
I loved her
too."


This was good, cliche, but very good. Almost like a modern day Romeo and Juliet except without the arranged marriage and all that. lol.

Keep it up!
~Rieda
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!*




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thanks, what you said made a lot of sense to me. I really appreciate it.
Dark clouds come down on me. I can't see, I can't breath. What's wrong with me?




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The major problem with this -- if you took out the linebreaks you'd have prose with rhyme. Besides the rhyme and the linebreaks there aren't any poetic devices to set this apart from prose. The story is told in a very straightforward way and there's nothing there to make me feel for either of the characters or anything in the language to get me interested in the writing for its own sake.

READ POETRY. Sorry for shouting, but it's that important. Read poetry from Shakespeare to Billy Collins, Jonne Donne to Saul Williams. Look those four guys up and then see where your travels take you. When you read, pay attention to what parts of a poem you like and what makes you want to read it a second time. What tricks of the language are your favorites? How might you emulate them and make them your own?

These links might also be helpful:
A Guide to Poetry and Critique
Another "Guide to the Art of Poetry". Important: The last post has a MASSIVE reading list which you should peruse
Clau's excellent "Emotional Poetry" essay




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You know I have to say I liked it, but I think the only thing that saved it was the rhyme scheme.

It's theme is cliché, although only slightly, and its more modern look at Romeo & Juliet is nice. But I mean... Even I've written a poem about two lovers ending up dead. There will always be different reasons, but the idea of two dead lovers to represent the true sadness and unattainable happiness that is in store for us all is cliché.

I believe ES said it, that it was much too prose like? I agree. There has to be some poetic element that splits it from the prose and rests it in poetry, although I've spoken with friends of mine and they are both together in any case [prose and poetry]. But with a poem, there has to be some larger reason for why this isn't in paragraphs, and in the prose section. Because this is strongly a story, and the only poetic elements are rhyming and verse, it doesn't stand strong as a poem. Consider word choice, language, double entendres even. Keep in mind mood, feeling, themes, everything the reader might pick up. Use metaphors, and sensory image. I want to read a poem and be able to smell, touch, hear, see, and taste the action. I want to be a part of the poem.

And, agreed, read more poetry! Read poetry from books or from the forums and read the critiques, as well. See what others point out, try to find the use of poetic elements, learn what they are, so you can emulate them.

I won't link you to anything, as I see EM already has ^_~ I hope my large rant like critique has helped you though! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Best of luck.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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This was... awful. I'm sorry. This reminded me of a chain letter, the sort you have to forward to so many friends or one of the dead lovers is going to appear at your bedside and kill you. And no, that is not a compliment.

Aside from a vaguely intelligent rhyme scheme, this offered nothing--the story itself was bland and overdone, the you had no spectacular imagery or phrases that caught my attention. Please, do the following:

a) put down your pen.

b) pick up a book of poetry.

c) read it--and study it, don't just read the poems once. Find a poet you like and study his or her manner of writing, word choice, use of punctuation, line breaks, etc.

d) then, and only then, may you pick the pen back up.

Good luck.
Bitter Charlie :: Shady Grove, CA :: FreeRice (162,000/1,000,000)




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