Unknown Stroy Chap. 8 part 3

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 164
~*~*~


Knall closed his eyes and felt the tip of his clawed toe lightly brush the chasm floor. The entire worlds shattered into pieces and only darkness was left behind. Knall was falling. Not a harsh, free fall, but one like someone was gently carrying him down.

Knall opened his eyes and immediately saw the small griffon in his arms and looked out ahead. The darkness stretched out forever. Suddenly a small, paper thin crack of light crept out of the darkness.

Knall stretched out his hand and began to walk towards it. He was still lightly drifting but he was now going somewhere. He slowly reached the light that now opened to a doorway.

As Knall’s eyes slowly adjusted to the brightness and he saw a dimly lit, rock tunnel ahead. He stood at the edge of the doorway and looked into the, dark, wet, stinking cave and looked back. A nothingness void was stretched out before him. He entered the tunnel and the door closed behind him. When he turned to see if it was still there a rock wall glared back at him.

The tunnel was too small for a Shade but just about the right size for a normal man. The top of Knall’s head brushed the top and his antenna were nearly crushed the first time he stood.

Knall brushed the roof of the tunnel and felt a small trace of water and looked ahead. Well, nothing else to do. Knall started walking. As he walked a thin mist gathered at his feet and soon the entire tunnel floor was covered with it.

It was so dark he kept one hand pressed against the wall as he walked. The dead are probably catching up now. But Knall didn’t care. He was cold, hungry, lost, afraid, and tired. He held the small griffon in his left hand a continued walking to nowhere.

After what seemed like several hours of cold and darkness Knall’s hand slipped away from the wall and the wall peeled away. He stood there in the dark, wondering if the tunnel had at last ended so he decided to use what little magic he had regained to utter one last spell: “!”

A very small spark burst in front of him and Knall half-closed his eyes from the light. Knall pointed up and the little spark flew upward. Knall watched it go as it flew up and up, into everlasting darkness. He looked down again and gasped.

The rock walls of the cave peeled away and rose on forever and ever. Knall seemed to be standing in a crossroads of thirteen other passage ways. All of which rose on into the darkness so far above. In the very center, however, there was a circular tower that had no windows, doors, or spires. It was completely made of stone and rose even higher than the walls of the passageways.

Knall hurried over to the tower and clutched it as if it would give him some shelter of guidance. The spark above sputtered several times and soon snuffed out completely, leaving Knall in utter darkness again.

He sat on the hard, wet ground and grasped the tower harder than ever. He cried. Clear tears rolled down his face. They splattered on the rock and the sound echoed for a very long time. He closed his eyes and set the tiny griffon down on the rock.

He clutched the stone tower so hard the tips of his fingers had started to bleed. He cried. He cried about everything that had happened to him since he was outcasted. He felt a small moist tongue lick his arm and he looked up.

It was the griffon. It was climbing the wall and had reached Knall’s hand. He stretched out his hand and the griffon stepped into it. Knall set him down and sat cross legged, facing the griffon.

“You’ll need a name.” Knall said. The griffon cocked his head. “Ummm… How about Kizlaz?” The griffon narrowed its eyes at this. “Ummm… Juplup?” The griffon sat down and shook its head. “Dervalp? Hisdaz? Nazeleam? Berath? Waserz?” Knall continued listing all the names Knall could think off, the griffon squawking or shaking his head at all of them.

“Kujasz? Palzerk? Skyzer?” At this name the griffon nodded his head enthusiastically. It stood and squawked once. Knall repeated “Skyzer?” It nodded again. Knall nodded as well.

Knall got to his feet and brushed the dust off the back of his legs. He looked around and foolishly only saw darkness. He brushed one clawed hand against the central stone pillar. Knall reached down and Skyzer crawled up his arm and onto his shoulders. He dug his bleeding fingers into the stone and he winced.

He lodged his foot into the stone and pushed up. It was not like climbing a tree. His claws did not merely stick into the stone. There was no soft bark and absolutely no light. Knall was only two feet above the ground before he started to slip. He dug his claws even harder into the pillar and they bled even more.

So Knall climbed into darkness. Not knowing how far the tower led or if he would ever see light again. The tears had dried and the blood had hardened and he was able to climb more easily now. He stopped for a moment and glared down.

Darkness glowered back. He looked up and it did the same. He repositioned and started climbing again. He felt a cool breeze lightly touch his face and Knall savored it. It had been merely hours since he had felt wind or grass but it felt like a lifetime. Knall no longer worried about the dead that were chasing him. Either they lost their way or the tower directed them to another area or world.

Knall clenched his claws and he began to climb again. Darkness stretched out before him and darkness reached out behind, he went on. The coldness of the tunnel at first struck his lungs but now he wished for something cool to rest in.

Knall had been climbing for eight hours. With the determination of the unknown and the thought of rest, he continued to climb regardless of the pain in his fingers or in his legs, screaming for a place to stop. He closed his eyes, tears streaming from his eyes and blood flowing from his fingers.

He reached up and dug his claw into another section of the tower. Tears burst out of his eyes. He tensed and pulled himself up once again. He cried and Skyzer let out a soft, encouraging squawk. Knall hung there for a moment and another tear burst out. He reached up…

His hand met no stone but air. “Ah!” He cried. His hand came down and he grabbed the top with both hands. He pulled himself up and fell on his face on the stone surface. As he lay there his eyes welled up with tears of joy and he gave up and tear-flooded laugh.

He stroked Skyzer who was now sitting next to him. Knall rolled over to his back and put his hand on his belly. He stared up and felt the griffon patter up and lay his head on Knall’s stomach. Knall smiled and felt as if he had conquered an impossible feat. He gazed up once more and closed his eyes…


When Knall opened his eyes once more the darkness still crowded him and he lay there, listening to the soft breathing of Skyzer. He sat up without disturbing the griffon and stretched out. He looked up, darkness. As soon as he attempted to stand his head rammed a stone ceiling.

He rubbed his head with a clawed hand and crouched down. He ran his hand over the cool surface of stone he had just collided with. Bewildered, he slouched over to the other end of what he thought, was the top of the tower. But the only thing he met was another wall. It was sloping slightly upwards but was smooth, like someone carved it there on purpose.

Knall smashed his fist onto the stone and began crying again. So close. He had gotten so far and was now only at a roadblock. It must be meant to be some sort of resting place. But who else would have been here? Knall sat down and heard Skyzer patter over and sit down at Knall’s feet.

Knall dug his face in his hand and cried once more. Nothing! All that work and it still comes out with nothing! After breathing deeply a few times and wiping his eyes Knall came about with a new attitude. Well, I can’t move on like this. Think of it as a blessing. I can rest here and restore my magic. Yea, rest.[i] Knall closed his eyes and rubbed them. He sighed. [i]There’s nothing to do now but wait. So Knall leaned against the back of the notch and rubbed his eyes. He sighed again, and closed his eyes.
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1616
Reviews 194
That section was a little bit confusing, but more random than confusing. Anyway, I'm sure you'll explain it later. Goodjob.

-the jay of green
the greenjay strikes again...




User avatar
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
Ah, good. Indomitable against all odds. Steadfast and courageous. *blinks* Sorry, that sounds rather insincere.

Pol wrote:The entire worlds shattered into pieces and only darkness was left behind.


Shouldn't that be world?


Pol wrote:Knall opened his eyes and immediately saw the small griffon in his arms and looked out ahead.


Nix the first and.


Pol wrote:As Knall’s eyes slowly adjusted to the brightness [s]and[/s] he saw a dimly lit, rock tunnel ahead.



Pol wrote:He stood at the edge of the doorway and looked into the, dark, wet, stinking cave and looked back.


Nix this comma.


Pol wrote:When he turned to see if it was still there, a rock wall glared back at him.


Comma after there[/i].


Pol wrote:He stood there in the dark, wondering if the tunnel had at last ended so he decided to use what little magic he had regained to utter one last spell: “[b]!


Hokey, squares! Perhaps, Lencra, meaning light?


Pol wrote:He clutched the stone tower so hard the tips of his fingers [s]had[/s] started to bleed.


Switching tenses here.


Pol wrote:He cried about everything that had happened to him since he was outcasted.


Is outcasted a word? Perhaps say, cast out?


Pol wrote:“You’ll need a name.” Knall said.


:evil: Need I point this error out? :cry:


Pol wrote:“Kujasz? Palzerk? Skyzer?” At this last name the griffon nodded his head enthusiastically.


Add last in to make it clear which name is being approved.


Pol wrote:“Ah!” He cried.


*whimpers*


Well, nice action. Perhaps the whole underground concept could use more description.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1215
Reviews 378
After what seemed like several hours of cold and darkness Knall’s hand slipped away from the wall and the wall peeled away. He stood there in the dark, wondering if the tunnel had at last ended so he decided to use what little magic he had regained to utter one last spell: “!”

A very small spark burst in front of him and Knall half-closed his eyes from the light. Knall pointed up and the little spark flew upward. Knall watched it go as it flew up and up, into everlasting darkness. He looked down again and gasped.

The rock walls of the cave peeled away and rose on forever and ever.


You used the term 'peeled away' twice, which would be all right if it were not such an unnusual term. To tell you the truth, I don't think it's right. It's kind of weird, and doesn't present any picture. I would try a different term all together.

So Knall climbed into darkness. Not knowing how far the tower led or if he would ever see light again. The tears had dried and the blood had hardened and he was able to climb more easily now. He stopped for a moment and glared down.

Darkness glowered back. He looked up and it did the same. He repositioned and started climbing again. He felt a cool breeze lightly touch his face and Knall savored it. It had been merely hours since he had felt wind or grass but it felt like a lifetime. Knall no longer worried about the dead that were chasing him. Either they lost their way or the tower directed them to another area or world.

Knall clenched his claws and he began to climb again. Darkness stretched out before him and darkness reached out behind, he went on.The coldness of the tunnel at first struck his lungs but now he wished for something cool to rest in.

Knall had been climbing for eight hours. With the determination of the unknown and the thought of rest, he continued to climb regardless of the pain in his fingers or in his legs, screaming for a place to stop. He closed his eyes, tears streaming from his eyes and blood flowing from his fingers.


Okay, parts in bold I don't like. First of all, most of these paragraphs start with something about 'starting to climb again.' Which is funny, because often, he hasn't even stopped climbing and you're telling us that he's starting again. Umm...

Second, the glowering darkness part. You start the second and third paragraphs with a few sentences about darkness. You don't need all of it. I would take out the 'glowering darkness. He looked up and it did the same' part because it's awkward. "Darkness stretched out before him and darkness reached out behind, he went on" You just repeated darkness. Take out the second one.

Okay, the last bit I have in bold is just a little cheesy. I would suggest taking out the inspirational descriptions, because technically we're inside Knalls' mind, sharing his thoughts, and Knall wouldn't think inspirational thoughts about himself.

Also, the blood streaming and tears flowing part...all right, but you made it sound like Knall was screaming to rest. Which he wasn't, he was sobbing, but he wasn't screaming, right? So maybe have his body screaming for a place to rest.

Anyway, have fun with that!

Yours most absolutely, as always, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
The others have caught most of the mistakes and to be honest, I didn't really like this chapter. It's too random for me. I mean, why has the whole world suddenly collapsed?

He held the small griffon in his left hand and continued walking to nowhere.

Knall hurried over to the tower and clutched it as if it would give him some shelter of [Perhaps 'shelter or guidance'] guidance. The spark above sputtered [I think the word is spluttered but you might want to double check that.] several times and soon snuffed out completely, leaving Knall in utter darkness again.

He looked around and foolishly [Why is it foolish that he sees only darkness?] only saw darkness.

As he lay there his eyes welled up with tears of joy and he gave up and tear-flooded laugh. [This doesn't make much sense. Re-phrase it.]
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind