Leave Your Message at the Tone

Hello, this is—
How may I help you today?
Is it a matter of life and death,
or the hum of pocket jingles?
Breathe in deep—smell the coffee,
ignore the formaldehyde,
it’s not my fault. He told me—
but yes, pocket jingles, so I said,
true, true, I did; ma’am may I help you?
You hear the keys click like bones
popped out of joint, like jaws
gnawing at grit; like fingernails
tapping on the Formica in the foyer—
ignore, please, how the fluorescent lights
denude the stains in the carpet.
It was here when my grandfather had
this desk. Here are his initials;
yours go here. Sign the dotted line.
Crack your knuckles. Take off your ring
and pick up the phone.
I’ll be with you tomorrow.

As you know, poetry is not my area, so I am a poor critique when it comes to matters of style in the genre. As far as content goes, I do like it; it captures the frustrations of the business world and office work rather well. There are "gaps" in the narrative voice: "Hello this is-," etc, which help to highlight that harried feeling, the incompleteness that goes with dealing with people barely view the associate as a real person; that goes both ways, of course . . . and traces of defensiveness, the sort of "this isn't my fault, I just work here" frustrations that everyone feels when working for a big, lunky organization. Overall, I like the content of the poem, and think it does what it's trying to do. Again, poetic linguistics aren't my thing, but I have a couple of points:

I don't particularly care for pocket jingles being described as humming. Since "jingle," obviously standing for money, connotes a sort of metallic sound, whereas humming is more of a machinery noise. The clash is pretty subtle, but I think finding a different word would make the phrase better: maybe noise, sound, even clash, clink, etc.

Secondly, the line florescent light/highlights has the word light twice . . . I realize this might be intentional, but I don't really like it. It's a repetition which doesn't really fit with the cadence or style of the poem. I'd stick with florescent light, since that emphasizes the office-oriented nature of the poem's subject, so I'd find another word, a synonym for highlights: "draws attention, underscores, illuminates, reveals," etc.

I particularly enjoyed the lines: "Crack your knuckles. Take off your ring/pick up the phone." It really brings to the fore the sort of confrontational feelings stirred when dealing with the irate and obstinate masses, lol.

^^ Thanks, Tony.

There is a play on jingle in here, juxtaposing the word's links to both money and advertising; maybe I need to clarify that? Anyway, that's where the humming comes from.

I see what you mean about the "flourescent lights/highlights" dealio. I'll fix that one. Thanks for pointing it out. ^^

ignore, please,

"please ignore", perhaps, would flow off the tongue easier - that is an important aspect to this poem, correct?

I think "Ignore, Please" fits the jumpy tone of the poem.

I know I gushed all over you in the PM but now I'm just going to re-ramble about it ^_~

I love the way it feels jumpy, but it flows. I feel like I'm in the office area, and my brain is melting, and I'm bored, and I've just signed my soul away, agreeing that I'll sit in this room for hours on end and answer phones and do nothing--but what did I get out of it? I love the poem in this most immensely unspeakable way ^_^

I feel without you having to state the emotion, which I think means you transcended the second level of poetry, yes? People won't say, "It needs more emotion," they'll say, "Wow, I feel it." But where is the emotion hiding? In between the lines.

And that is why your poetry will always kick my poetry's butt XD

EDIT: Er, I forgot stuff. As to the title, it is perfect. Way better than anything I could have ever come up with! Go bake in your poetic perfection :p

Gummy: Thanks! It's not supposed to flow quite perfectly, though; as Clau mentions, it's got a jumpy--or as I prefer, distracted--feel. The speaker's the quintessential bureaucrat, after all, with far too much on his plate. ^~

Scooz: Poetic perfection? xD Thanks. I'm glad you like the title! I was worried about it... o0.

Wow! I liked it! It was really intriguing, though I had to read it a second time in order to really understand it. It really gave off the feeling of an infuriating day of the secretary.

Wow!
That was really, really good. I loved how if flowed and I dunno, it just sounded really good
I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, and well, there's nothing else I can say...
That was awesome!
Great job,
.:Ayra:.

I loved the little jump frog rhythm of it all; it moved at a fast pace but kept that poetic edge. It was a different idea as well, which intrigued me into what was actually happening, then I realised and just though - oof, this is clever.

A good idea you have here, nice one; in lame-man's terms. I think I said that wrong...

GingerLove

This is so deliciously frenetic.
Now, I will notice around here there tends to be an anti-modernist/post modernist sentiment, and I'll admit terrible things have been done with stream of consciousness, but this, this gives the whole technique new credibility. This is Delillo on speed, this is accessible Joyce, if such creatures can be imagined.
This reminded me most of the works of William Kentridge, the South African Artist, especially, "Zeno Writing", his surreal shadow puppetry, his charcoal addition subtraction animation, that kind of energy, the tactile sensation of writing's creation, of the pulses of living in your words. This energy is beautiful counterbalanced by your delicate specifics, I like the bones simile especially very evocative. This is imagery sleek as a bullet to the brain and I loved every moment of it.