Unknown Story Chap. 8 part 1

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~Chapter Eight~
Rest and Trouble





Knall was running as fast as his feet could carry him. He felt the wind blow by his face and the grass blow by his feet. He glanced down and saw how fast he was pushing himself. He glanced back and saw the dead had long since left the forest and were now leaping across the meadow.

He returned his attention to running for the moment. He glanced up and saw the tower rising slowly towards him. The clouds were continuing to dump as much water on Knall as possible.

As the tower neared he saw a black wooden door. As it neared he saw it had no doorknob or a handle. He slammed straight into it, fearing loosing momentum. The door did not budge. He fell back and landed hard. Knall shook his head then stood up.

He ran back up to the door and slammed his shoulder into it ferociously. It didn’t move. He slammed it again, again, and again. “!!” Shouted Knall over the beating sound of the rain hitting the tower. A yellow beam of light shone thought the crack of the door and Knall’s hopes rose. Then the light faded away and Knall’s anger took him over.

He ran over to the door and smashed it. It buckled but did not break. He rammed it a second time. And a third. The door was bent but not yet broken. Knall bent over and set the soaked griffon on the muddy ground. He turned towards the door again.

“!!!” After announcing the spell he thrust out both his arms with his palms laid flat. A red beam shimmered in his palm. He brought down his arm and ran for the door. He thrust out his arm and the red, shimmering light ate through the wooden door.

It gnawed at the wood and tore it into pieces. Knall gave out a long sigh and shrugged over. Besides the time spell this was the first time Knall could feel his magical energy drain out of him. He read about the ancient spell in his book and knew it was called Red Lighting. It gnawed and tore at anything it came into contact in.

Knall fell harshly to his knees into the muddy ground. The wet griffon padded up and nipped at his knee. Knall looked down then looked behind him. The dead were now walking in the rain. Their eyes were sending a soft grey smoke and they let their arms fall to their sides, uselessly.

Knall stood up while grasping the tiny griffon gently. Inside the tower was very cold. There was a door off to Knall’s left and a winding staircase off to his right. He dragged himself over to the door and opened it easily. Inside was a dark room with a fireplace on the right wall.

There was a chair positioned in the center of the room, facing the fire place that had a happily crackling fire in it. To the left was a window out looking the muddy and wet hills. On the wall opposite Knall was a book shelf with many multi-colored covers.

When Knall entered the room he immediately noticed how warm it was. The fire’s probably been burning for a long time. But, who started it? He took a step into the room and felt the warmth wash over him.

For a flicker of time Knall saw a tall man sitting against the bookshelf. His hair was so dirty and long it covered his entire face and most of his chest.

His arms were drooped over his knees and his sleeves were so long they brushed the floor. He wore silver, muddy boots, but the parts that were showing were quite well polished. The terrifying man stood with his shoulders slumped but his head directed directly towards Knall.

Knall saw the man was only slightly smaller than him, but was like no man he had ever seen. A bold streak of lighting tore across the sky and filled the room with light. Knall closed his eyes and opened them almost just as quickly. He was staring into an empty room. The fire crackling lightly on the wall and the rain running down on the opposite side.

Knall blinked twice and looked completely dumbfounded. He looked out the window and saw the smoking eyes of the dead. Knall ran back out to the entrance room. He faced the open doorway and used the Favthom. “!” At this, a yellow force field covered the empty doorway.

Knall felt his last drops of magic flow away. He turned around and ran up the winding staircase. His feet pounded on the stone stairs as he heard the sound of his harsh breath. He panted hard and continued to run up the stairs.

He stopped at a door where the stairs would not continue. As he reached out both hands to twist the doorknob he noticed he had made a fatal mistake. “Raaauuugghhh!!!”
His cry echoed through out the empty stone tower as loud as if he where screaming on all the floors at once. He jumped every five stairs at once and was very soon back at the bottom of the stairs.

He searched quickly and soon saw the tiny griffon curled up on the center of stone floor. He jumped the rest of the way -seven steps- to land hard next to the griffon. Knall scooped him up and his gazed flickered momentarily at the door way.

There were dead things pressing their faces against the force field. Their eye sockets smoking more than ever. They tasted blood. Knall turned and ran up the stairs taking them three at a time. He soon found the same door he was about to enter a moment before.

He twisted the knob quickly and ran straight into a dark room. He stumbled in and the dark and the cold felt like needles in his lungs. The door swung back and closed itself, leaving no light to be found anywhere. Knall quickly checked to make sure the griffon was still there and walked slowly forwards.
Knall eventually found the door on the other side and wrenched it open. Light burst through and Knall continued to run. There was a brightly lit hall and a staircase at the other end. Knall ran for it as he heard crashes downstairs. The dead. They’re through the barrier. Have to hurry.

Knall climbed the stairs as fast as he could and the light eventually began to fade. He ran into a door because of the dim light. He groped around for a doorknob but found none. He smashed the door but unlike the one at the entrance it burst open easily.
What’s with this place? Nothings consistent. The next thing might be dangerous. When he stepped through the door he came into a vast room. There was scaffolding all around but no obvious way to reach the top. Beyond the balcony he couldn’t see very much else. The room was moderately lit. But when Knall looked down…

He was standing on a huge platform made of glass. He gazed down and the heavens were stretched out before him. Stars winked up at him and a distant sun shone bright. He was looking down upon a large disc covered in green and blue.

Suddenly it all zoomed up towards him. The world was unfolding before him and it was closing in on a large, oddly shaped peninsula. He saw mountains and forests. The image was centering on a field of muddy hills. It was raining and thousands of grey things were running across the fields.

It zoomed in on one of their backs and flew straight past it. It weaved through thousands of dead and flew straight towards a large, dark tower. Dead-things were pouring through an open doorway.

It zoomed through the doorway and soon brought Knall face to face with himself. Wh-what the hell is this? He gazed down at the floor. It swung back and swept out of the tower. It flew high into the air and Knall was soon gazing at the immense stars again. He slowly walked off the platform and saw a metal door on the opposite side of the platform.

When he reached the door he twisted the knob violently. The door bust open and a metal hallway stretched out before him. He ran off, his feet making a loud, slapping sound on the metal. He cradled the baby griffon in his arms and ran down the hallway.

Knall reached another, wooden door and smashed through it. He ran through the doorway and he stepped straight into nothing. He was suddenly outside the tower and he stood on air for a few moments. Suddenly the entire world got thrown above him. He was falling incredibly fast.

He was going to smash straight into the ground! He was falling upright and he saw the tower’s spires fly right past him. He looked down and saw the ground open up in a great sinkhole.

He fell through the hole and all the earth was falling away. He looked up as the rain and mud got blown away. The crack resealed itself and Knall was falling as the ground below him continued to open up.

Suddenly the ground opened into a vast cavern. Red light splashed everywhere and every object was blurry and unfocused. It was a vastly large cavern with four massive pillars stretching from each of the six even points of the sphere.

There was something blazing red in the center where all the pillars met. Knall whipped his head around as he fell. Small, black, blurry creatures were wandering about, on the pillars and on the ground. He did not know how they did it but some where resting on the top of the vast cavern.

Knall flailed his arms about, attempting to cease the fall. The bottom of the cavern was coming much too quickly. He looked up one last time and saw the same man with the dirty hair and long sleeves sitting, very clearly, in the center of the pillars. Knall attempted to make a sound but none would come out of his throat. As hard as he may try, no sound would come. He screamed and the ground finally met him. He closed his eyes…
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




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Sup Polt. Me again...

Knall was running as fast as his feet could carry him. He felt the wind blow by his face and the grass [s]blow [/s] swishing by his feet. He glanced down and saw how fast he was pushing himself. He [s]glanced[/s] looked back and saw the dead had long since left the forest and were now leaping across the meadow.


Wow...weird. Well I didn't expect him to fall into the core of the earth or whatever, but we'll see what happens. Goodjob!

-greenie
the greenjay strikes again...




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It's a bit confusing. All the action that happens here could be written clearer. And those squares are really starting to annoy me. I know they mean something to you, but can't you change them to a language or something? As you aren't writing the whole thing in squares, you should the "spells" or whatever in Western letters as well. And you put full stops and capital letters to end your speech again.

Pol wrote:“!!” Shouted Knall


SMALL LETTER!

I don't mean to be always negative; this is to polish this up so's it can be better than it's already good standards. If you know what I mean.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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*echos what others said*

Yep, pretty much. Also, your word choices and sentence structure are getting better! At least, in this one. It's easier to find your exact meaning now...

He returned his attention to running for the moment. He glanced up and saw the tower rising slowly towards him. The clouds were continuing to dump as much water on Knall as possible.


Last sentence, about clouds. Blech. It implies that the clouds are actually attempting to dump water on him, as much as possible. Don't phrase it like that. Just say how heavily it's raining, don't say it's raining as much as possible.

Also, a tower rising towards him? Maybe approaching steadily, or something, but would it rise? Like, if you're running towards a tall tower, does it appear to be rising up to meet you? I haven't done it, but it doesn't seem like it would.

Anyway, keep it up! I'll try to get to the other sections ASAP.

Yours truly, You Know Who, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
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"He felt the wind blow by his face and the grass blow by his feet. He glanced down and saw how fast he was pushing himself. He glanced back and saw the dead had long since left the forest and were now leaping across the meadow."

How can the grass "blow by his feet"? Perhaps "rush past" or something more like what grass does? Also, instead of "fast he was pushing himself. He glanced back" how about "fast he was pushing himself, then glanced back"? Goes much more smoothly.*

"He slammed straight into it, fearing lo[s]o[/s]sing momentum."

Spelling error here.

"“!!” [s]Shouted[/s] Knall over the beating sound of the rain hitting the tower."

"It's shouted, NOT Shouted." 's'aid Aet Lindling.


"He thrust out his arm and the red, shimmering light ate through the wooden door. It gnawed at the wood and tore it into pieces. Besides the time spell this was the first time Knall could feel his magical energy drain out of him. He read about the ancient spell in his book and knew it was called Red Lighting. It gnawed and tore at anything it came into contact in."

Repetition of the door being destroyed. Already know it, thanks. And then the last sentence -gasp! REPEATS the words of a REPETITION! Also, since you make this mistake with something else I know isn't supposed to be spelt that way, I'm pretty sure that by "Red Lighting" you did not mean photographic equipment, but "Red Lightning", what would be a spell forming red lightning that gnaws and tears through everything.*

"There was a chair positioned in the center of the room, facing the fire place that had a happily crackling fire in it. To the left was a window out looking the muddy and wet hills. On the wall opposite Knall was a book shelf with many multi-colored covers."

Whoa! Too many spaces! Each pairing of red words is actually one word.

"When Knall entered the room he immediately noticed how warm it was. The fire’s probably been burning for a long time. But, who started it? He took a step into the room and felt the warmth wash over him."

Knall entered the room. Then, for good measure, he entered the room again, to make sure.*

"Knall blinked twice and looked completely dumbfounded."

Since we seem to be experiencing this from Knall's point of view, either he was DEFINITELY completely dumbfounded or he was DEFINITELY NOT completely dumbfounded.

"1. He jumped every five stairs at once and was very soon back at the bottom of the stairs. He searched quickly and soon saw the tiny griffon curled up on the center of THE stone floor. 2. He jumped the rest of the way 3. -seven steps- to land hard next to the griffon."

1 should be "He jumped five stairs at a time", 2 should be... well, not there. Unless that silly Knall wants to reach the end of the stairs AGAIN for good measure, just like with the room, of course. And if you must leave 2, take note of 3, where you should either get rid of the last dash, or replace the dashes with parentheses. (You know, these things.) And of course, you need to put a "the" between "of" and "stone".*

"When he reached the door he twisted the knob violently. The door bust open and a metal hallway stretched out before him. He ran off, his feet making a loud, slapping sound on the metal. He cradled the baby griffon in his arms and ran down the hallway."

And finally, how can he be doing all of this so easily, with a griffon, despite a baby one, but still, in his arms. You might want to make note of this, like, "Feeling the weight of the baby griffon in his arms, he" and "He twisted the knob violently, though with some difficulty due to the baby he was holding".

Well, that about sums it up. Good story, despite the errors, and I'll probably drop in for the next one.

*Sorry for the sarcasm. It's my nature. :wink:
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don’t have any kids yourself.

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dun worry
it's all gun be k




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Hmmm. This was a little confusing and the whole falling thing was rather strange to be honest.

A yellow beam of light shone [s]thought[/s] through the crack of the door and Knall’s hopes rose.

It gnawed and tore at anything it came into contact [s]in[/s] with.

His cry echoed through out [Should be throughout.] the empty stone tower as loud as if he [s]where[/s] were screaming on all the floors at once.

Nothing's consistent.

He did not know how they did it but some where [Should be somewhere.] resting on the top of the vast cavern.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke