Imagine

There is someone following me.
Everyday. Constantly.

She watches from the shadows.
But I can never hear her foot steps.

There is someone following me.
She is shy.

I do not know her name.
We are exactly the same.

There is someone following me.


This is a strange little piece of work. Feel free to tell me what it means.

Hello, Isalena! Please observe, before I begin, that we generally encourage new members to critique more than just one piece before posting their own stuff; it's good for you, as writers who have seen your name on critiques are more likely to stop and critique your works.

Now, on to the crit.

This was... bland, I guess, is the best word. Luckily, it wasn't the banality of the writing itself that made the strongest impression, nor was it the fact that your subject matter is cliche and not presented in an original matter.

What caught my eye? The full stops. To be more explicit, the overabundance of full stops. Why would you break the flow like that? You want a poem to move smoothly in the reader's mind, so that it'll leave a stronger impression. This is just... jerky and awkward.

Frankly, I wouldn't even suggest reusing this subject matter for a new poem. Maybe try with a different theme, and keep in mind for your next poem that word choice is very important (you want to choose words that have power and action, and convey the right connotations), as is punctuation (which tells the reader how it is supposed to be read, and therefore imbues it with most of its emotion).

Better luck next time.

ooer, Fand beat me to it.

Though, for once, I'm not sure I completely agree? I do have to say, listen to her closely. Everything she says is like gold falling out of her mouth. Only, less awkward.

I don't know what Fand's idea of this was, but I almost got the impression you were writing about your shadow, and I liked that because I don't think I've seen that too often.

But, I read over the poem again, and fand is too right. It's bland. I felt nothing.

For Punctuation, I'll give you a link to my lovely article! Poetry & Punctuation.

Fand mentions word choice; keep that in mind. You could say "pain" but that is so general. Torture? Burning? Scalding? Scathing? Of course these are all random words I'm pulling out of my head now, but as you can see they will all have different "feels" to them.

Hope that helps ^_~

Hi everybody, new guy here. Umm the poem gives me an impression of one's consciouness( <--hope i spell tat right) The rythm starts ok untill the third stanza, it sort of get out of rythm. I think it would make a really good poem if u extend it with more thought to the ur idea. (<----------my thoughts, do wat u will)

I agree with AceAnriertenz, it does give the impression of one's conciousness but i feel like there are too many pauses in your poem and I kinda feel like I dnt really can imagine the picture clearly, i understand about someone following but i can't tell if the person that being follow is paranoid, intense, or just like oh, someone's following me...okay then...the person said they're the same but i dnt really see the emotion of him/her. I think if you can put ones emotion into the poem too it'll be even more beautiful.

To be perfectly honest, I don't enjoy reading poetry that much and as a novice that certainly wasn't terrible.

Personally, you've not got enough suspense in it. In writing, I would only feel that I'm a success if the reader would feel something or think something because of what I've written. This made me feel very little, sorry.

However, the essence of it - being stalked - might make a good short-story. Perhaps.