Mercenary Wings 10 part 1

*removed*

sokool wrote:Brad lay back and shut his eyes hastily. "After some careful thought, I've reconsidered the notion, and decided it's ridiculous. I'm asleep, I'm asleep!"

sokool wrote:what if you helped me fine the native woman?

Fine = find

sokool wrote:Seden and Kiera sat down on Kiera's sleeping mallet, leaning against her cloth-covered walls. Kiera closed her eyes and sighed.

Too much repetition of "Keira" here.


I thought this chapter was fine; just a bit too long. If something's longer, it makes it difficult to crit.

I completely loved it. Especially the part where Kiera kept cutting off her mom. I wish I could do that. Anyway, I didn't really understand the part with Brad and the spirit, (Sorry I can't remember her name). But I just got done reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows in under 24 hours so... Leave me alone... Anyway... I liked how you showed the personal life of Kirea.

Her brother was a total jerk, though. I don't know why... Mabye he should betray her or something... Hm... Still, moving on... I think she probably should tell them at least a little of what happened to not worry them more. BTW, don't change that mother-daughter scene a bit. Really good...

~Pol

Cool! I like it. On to next part...

I don't think you info dumped too much and you don't need action in every chapter.Just a few suggestions -

Along the wall were lined many large oil lamps, kept shining and clean. [This is confusing. Perhaps 'Along the way, the walls were lined with many lamps that were constantly shining and clean.']

Kiera's family owned only a small portion of the large network of houses that belonged to the rest of the tribe.

The tribe [s]was[/s] were very socially inclined, and constantly visited each other, making good use of the well-lit tunnels that led through their section of the forest.

He found Kiera, coming from his Father's study.

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Other than that, a well written chapter and I agree that the rather one sided conversation between Kiera and her mother was the best part. I didn't find her brother to be a jerk though. I quite liked him in fact...