Unknown Story Chap. 7 part 2

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*~*~*


Knall was jumping from branch to branch, hearing the dead getting closer. It was beginning to become morning. The light was now streaming through the trees. He continued jumping and checking every now and then that the griffon was still resting on his shoulder.

Eventually the trees became less numerous, causing Knall to run on the soft ground. He could sense the patter of the dead’s feet far off. He was beginning to loose them.

He stopped and turned around while leaning on a nearby tree. “!” Instantly his vision was magnified many times. He could see faint outlines of creatures getting closer. They’re pace had slowed but they had not yet given up.

At least I’m rid of that human boy. He thought, attempting to look on the not-so-dark side of things. He turned around and saw open fields of grass. His mood changed instantly and he began running again.


After several hours of escaping from the dead Knall found shelter in a cave under a large hill. It had begun raining. He set down the griffon and went out to find firewood. Of course all the wood he could find was already drenched. Nevertheless, he attempted to create a decent fire.

The fire crackled and burned brightly in the back of the cave. Knall crouched over it and rubbed his hands over it. The baby griffon had found a nearby corner to curl up in. Knall checked on him every now and then.

Knall reached far inside his chest and eventually found the small object he was looking for. He gazed into the small piece of mirror. He rubbed its dirty surface with a clawed thumb. It soon twinkled back at him. Knall eventually curled up and closed his eyes. He could fell the soft warmth of the fire dance on his face. Then, slowly and roughly he fell into sleep.

Knall awoke, the smell of smoke and the harsh poke of light in his eyes. He sleepily sat up and looked around the cave. The fire was smoldering and a small string of smoke coiled upward and settled on the roof of the cave.

He looked into the corner and saw, nothing! Knall stood up immediately. He ran straight over to the corner and easily saw that it was empty. No! Knall rushed outside and looked around furiously. When he didn’t see him he ran up to the top of the hill.

Resting on the top of the summit was the griffon. It was lying down and was looking out at the horizon. Completely relieved Knall lay next to him and gazed out as well. After several minutes of looking, Knall say a large grey-black mass gathering on the edge of the forest.

“.” Knall whispered. The horizon zoomed towards him and he easily saw thousands of dead-things huddled at the edge of the forest. He broke the spell and stood. He gently grasped the griffon and turned around. On the other side of the hill were several more hills.

One hill was particularly noticable. It had a large tower resting on the summit. The tower was shimmering black and had many dark spires jetting out in all directions none of which were organized.

He strutted off the hill and went off at a brisk pace. Carrying the griffon curled up in his arms. It gave out a soft squawk and Knall looked down. It looked back up at him and their eyes met. Knall nodded as if he was promising that he, at least would live through what he knew was about to happen. Knall promised.
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




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Cool! Not too eventful but who cares. Goodjob.

-some pun on greenjay
the greenjay strikes again...




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Please remember the rule about commas and small letters in dialogue. *sobs* Please?

Pol wrote:At least I’m rid of that human boy. He thought...


See?


Grammer and sentance structure aside, this story's getting interesting. :)
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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Knall was jumping from branch to branch, hearing the dead getting closer. It was beginning to become morning. The light was now streaming through the trees


This is all in present tense. The entire story so far has been in past, and the rest of this section is in past, so why this? Just change it to: "Knall jumped from branch to branch, accelerating his pace as he heard them getting closer. Morning crept over the horizon (or something) and the light streamed through the trees."

Or something.

After several hours of escaping from the dead Knall found shelter in a cave under a large hill.


Bleh...I dont like it. I would say, 'After several hours of running' or 'fleeing' or some such. Instead of 'escaping.'

Otherwise, it's all right. I mean, your story and your characters are AWESOME! Especially Knall...hem. *dreamy look* but your sentence structure and some of your word choices are still...they leave much to be desired. I would suggest making sure you are choosing the word that fits your meaning and situation perfectly or as close to perfect as you can get. You don't want to just say, "Well, this word will work." you want it to fit.

But good section! Is the craggy, disorganized black castle the swirly place where Khor is? *peers ahead in the book, looking for answers.*

Yours, unfortunately for those around me, always, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




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[s]They’re[/s] their pace had slowed but they had not yet given up.

In general, I think this chapter could have been more descriptive and you need to start giving the griffon more of a personality. Perhaps it looks at Knall in a fond manner or is it wild? Does it long for freedom? It doesn't seem that way but then, it currently has very little personality so build on that. Describe how the griffon moves and any sounds it makes. Babies tend to be noisy no matter what animal they are.

Also, is knall not going to put out the fire? He seems the sort that would be considerate enough to return and put out the flames before setting off again.
Writing Gooder

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The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
— T.S. Eliot