Alike

*ugh! this is painful to read a couple years later!! I'm not gonna delete it though...

I took out some things based on your guys comments. Does this sound a little better?





Don't act like me,
I promise I won’t act like you.

We can be friends,
If we don’t dress the same,
If we don’t think the same,
Or if you get whatever you want.

But please don’t say those things.


You say I will follow behind you.
Don’t give me that.


You say we're
Best friends...
Can I be my own?
We don’t have to be alike.

Even the little selfish comments,
They build up.
They’re aren’t said
To make me feel good.

You no longer make me feel good,
You no longer are one I can have fun with.

Ah, you're young ^^

This poem did good for expressing your feelings, but otherwise it didn't do much. Poetry is good for expressing your feelings when you are "caught up in the moment" so to speak, but then it doesn't always make something good for reading.

I wrote an article about this stuff: Emotional Poetry. That might help you. Although, one thing I don't think I mentioned in the article that is also important, is this: try writing about an actual moment or even where the emotion occurs. What you have is a letter in verse form to the person. It also just tells us a lot of things, and kind of lists stuff. If you wrote about a particular scene, you could avoid a lot of this, and do some showing.

Since you are so young, I'm going to add my 'new to poetry' speech ^_~ Read more poetry. Read, read, read poetry! It's a great way to learn.

The poem wasn't the best. It was rather vague and hard to understand. I don't think the first stanza was too bad but then it sort of dwindled out to a rant. Who is the 'she' in your poem? A mutual friend? Also, work on the ending. It's rather weak because it's basically a repetition of the emotions you've displayed earlier on. Like Claudette says, you're young and therefore probably new to poetry so don't worry about it. Add some more imagery, don't be so vague, perhaps choose a specific moment in time to write about and it will improve vastly. Hope I helped a little,

Heather xx

As far as feelings were concerned, you got them out. As far as clarity goes, it could use some work. A lot of your sentences didn't make much sense and I felt that you were telling a personal story that no one knew the background too. Tell your readers more about this...why does the person feel this way? What did the person do to deserve this? Don't fill it with loads of information, but add enough for others to get your meaning clearly. Good job on the feelings part though. This is a great border that can easily be filled in with details.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

I'll only make one specific comment, and that is to your use of 'COINCIDENCE '

Don't resort to gimmicks in poetry. Use the power of your words to express accents and potency. It's more then likely that these distracting add-ons will only detract from whatever beauty a piece possesses.

Best of luck,

~Ed

I thought that this poem was rather lacking, sorry.

It seemed to meander and I never really got the point of the poem.

It wasn't bad, just it didn't make me feel anything, which isn't very good.

Sorry, better luck next time.

-Pros

For me, this poem seemed more like a blog entry than an actual literary work. Poems (at least from what I've seen) are made to express feelings, a point, etc. in clarifying, well-constructed (although it's okay to go outside of the "boundaries") sentences that actually leave the reader with something. For me, this poem did absolutely nothing. I'm really sorry to say this, but it just struck me as immature, pointless, and a bunch of words slapped together. I understand you needing to get emotions out (although the poem wasn't very clear on that type of thing either), but please, try to do it in a clearer way. For example, your "Ehhhhh" line doesn't even make sense.

I suggest you pick a specific instance that the emotion in this poem happened to you and write about that. For example, if you caught your best friend making out at a party with your bf, write about that instead of, "Ehhhh, you hurt me and I hate you!" type of thing.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but this just didn't do anything for me.

Best of luck!

Thanks everyone for the comments

I am thinking to how I could add more feelings to this, but maybe it is a kind of feeling-less topic in the beginning?

~Mateeah

Naval grazing, I liked the concept but I was confused! What's going on? What are you talking about? Who are you talking to? Why are you writing this? It sounds like something that actually happened to you, but what?

Don't fret though, whenever I write poetry I get this all the time.

Best of luck~~~~~Al~~~~~~

Ah, you asked me to come back and take a look, didn't you?

It seems exactly the same as before although it reads smoother - and was it punctuated before? I can't remember...

Still everything I said above is valid. Perhaps instead of changing words here and there consider rewriting the poem altogether? I mentioned finding an event and writing about this moment - this will improve the poem to an unbelievable amount. Readers can stick to a moment stronger than to words. That gives them something to imagine and to be apart of.

Keep it up, though, and if you have any questions you can PM me.

This is a little easier to understand than before and it is an improvement so you should be congratulated on that at least. Perhaps next time you change something, leave the original up and post the new version as a comment so we can compare the two. I wasn't too helpful last time was I? Let me try again...


You tell my friend,
She tells me. [This seems a little pointless to be honest and it reminds me of the whole 'he said this' 'she said that thing.']

Each one [Each what? Each word. You need to make this clearer.]
Rips my heart more.

You say we're
Best friends...
Can I be my own? [Expand this. I like the idea of wanting to be your own best friend.]
We don’t have to be twins.

Even the little selfish comments,
They build up.
They’re aren’t said
To make me feel good. [You've said that they're selfish so it goes without saying that they don't make you feel good.]

You no longer make me feel good,
You no longer are one I can have fun with.

Please stop.

_________________________

Let me know if you make any other changes and I'll be happy to take another look,

Heather xx

This is a great poem. When I read this poem, I feel the things, and I can hear your voice. I do not see any gramatical errors, however I'm the wrong person to ask for those. Ask anyone who has read anything of mine. I like this poem. Maybee you could write somthing about where your inspirationj came from, and how youy felt before, during, and after wrting it, and post ii in other. If so, please pm me thi link, and I will gladly reveiw.

This is very straightforward; there's not anything more to it than what it is. I feel like it's addressed to someone and I'm just watching on the sidelines, when I think the best poetry puts you in the middle of everything. There doesn't seem much about it that's poetic.

I didn't read it the first time, so I really have nothing to compare it to. From the looks of other comments, it seems to be tighter, so maybe now go for a little more meaning. There seems little point in writing a poem for other people to read if it isn't going to mean anything to them.

Hello again; you asked about how someone can be put in the middle of a poem, so here I am ^_^

Don't act like me,

I promise I won’t act like you.



We can be friends,

If we don’t dress the same,

If we don’t think the same,

Or if you get whatever you want.

In the above quote, it's all one way, straight communication from the author to the reader. I'm being told what is going on in terms of broad topics like "if we don't think the same" and "don't act like me". These two ideas could go in so many different directions, it can't really be pinned down. Better would be to *illustrate* your point with images. Instead of saying "we can be friends if we don't dress the same", show two people who don't dress the same yet are friends.

It's all in "you"s and "me"s, so if I'm neither of those two people, it's harder to relate. But if it's an image that's presented instead, everyone can approach it from their own direction and decide for themselves how to relate to the poem.

Does that help? Good luck; let me know if you have any more questions!
-Leja