Venus's Calendar

The gears of this world are well-oiled
with sweat from our brows and backs,
black tides of war clicking over
latitudes and longitudes and dashing down minutes to the
next sun’s placement, the place where
illumination and altitude combine.

There is a moment when all the stars
are looking right at you, zoning in on
your smile – the burning arc – a
stroke of eternity on human skin.

All eyes on the morning and the evening star,
you know there is such a thing as perfect when
a world that has fallen into ashes
still burns beauty
into a vacuum faraway.

a thousand vacuums away.

The word vacuum sticks out like a sore thumb and it instantly distracted me. I suggest you find a word more suiting that can't be interpreted as out of place.

I disliked the way you worded this:

next sun’s placement

And the last two lines both boded ill for me.

Just some quick impressions, courtesy of
~The CCF

Wow, I love it.It was really beautiful, and I loved the last stanza, the contrasts there were amazing.Your imagery was fresh and interesting. I wish I could say something more constructive, but I really can't find fault with this. Excellent.

I actually rather adored this. ^^ Beautiful, Gummy; that last stanza, particularly, is chock full of absolutely gorgeous imagery.

into a vacuum faraway. [Did you mean to write far away as 'faraway' or is that just a typo? Either way, I think it works better with the two words seperated.]

Other than that, I found very little to fault and it's an original, imaginative piece. Your imagery is very beautiful and the ending is absolutely perfect but the flow in the first stanza is a little off. In fact, I have a few general suggestions for that stanza -

The gears of this world are well-oiled
with sweat from our brows and backs, [Perhaps a full stop here rather than comma?]
black tides of war clicking over
latitudes and longitudes and dashing down the minutes to the
next sun’s placement, the place where
illumination and attitude [Did you mean to use attitude? Only I think altitude fits better...] combine.

____________________

Anyway, it's a brilliant piece so keep up the good work!

The gears of this world are well-oiled
with sweat from our brows and backs,
black tides of war clicking over there's an excellent sound to all of this; I can imagine these lines easily and enjoy reading them.
latitudes and longitudes and dashing down minutes probably cut off this line here and break "to the" down a line; I don't see any reason for them to be up here since they take away from the final rhythm of "dashing down minutes" to the
next sun’s placement, the place where
illumination and altitude combine.

There is a moment when all the stars
are looking right at you, zoning in on
your smile – the burning arc – a
stroke of eternity on human skin. maybe play with linebreaks. The words are beautiful and well-chosen, and I don't know whether this is my own haphazard tendency towards enjambment or what but it seems like your breaks are not as precise.

All eyes on the morning and the evening star,
you know there is such a thing as perfect when
a world that has fallen into ashes
still burns beauty
into a vacuum faraway. This last line doesn't seem complete. Better than the quoted original, but it could still use some tinkering; the words don't fell like they are at an ending.

Just some picky stuff. I really enjoyed reading this - it was simple and descriptive and reminded me of some small clockwork model of the planets.

Wow, I really do like your style, the others have picked out the tiny little things, except I do like the word vacuum at the end. Though the title still baffles me.

I liked the wording in this acutally. The only problem for me was that you have one period in each stanza and it made it a little awkward to read. Other than that I really liked this. The meaning was awesome, as always.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

I love all the mechanical imagery here!

latitudes and longitudes and dashing down minutes to the

I like this line especially because it gives such a lovely, vivid image!

There is a moment when all the stars
are looking right at you, zoning in on
your smile – the burning arc – a
stroke of eternity on human skin.

Here, it changes from first person to plural to third person; I don't know if I like it. Where as before, it seemed very (literally) universal, it's more focused, and it's a startling transition. The words and images are still nice, it's just the tense that jarred me.

I really like the last stanza. The first stanza started off really connecting to the calendar theme from the title, but it became less so as the poem progressed, and I think there, as pretty as everything was, it lost a tad of direction.

Loveliness, Gummy!

I have to say, the best thing about your poetry is your style, not your message. Because here, I was too involved in the beauty of your words to actually understand them--and that's not a good thing. Maybe you should simplify this poem, and I would understand it. What does it say? Mean? It sounds good, and the imagery is wonderful...but it just doesn't spur any emotion in me. It's too... untangible and distant.