A Moment of Healing

So, it's more free verse than I normally am. I'm not sure that the line it ends on works - Dream_deep suggested I lengthen it, so the whole lost stanza is new. I'd love some impressions.

A Moment of Healing
by Claudette

The air was like a nerve gas:
neither he, nor she, could move.
Words seeped through trembling lips;
at last the story was told.

“…and then he raped me,” she tried.
Nothing more was to be said.

It was then that she noticed
her hand was held in his
and for the first time
she wasn’t shaking.

Most people would have said nothing
and she wondered if he would speak.
“I’m here for you,” he whispered,
“and…” He bit his lip, nervous.
“And I love you.”

... Hey Till, back for another round quickly - didn't have to leave quite as soon as I thought I would. In any event, now that I've got a moment and some presence of mind, I'll give you a full crit on this. ^_^

Like I said, I do like this very much perhaps because its such a difference from your other poetry - infliction of pain is replaced by resolution of pain. It's like a nice ending to a heart-wringing story.


--


It was then she noticed:
Her hand was held in his and for the first time,
She wasn’t shaking.


[Still a bit awkward with the phrasing here. Line One seems as if its missing a word or a beat - perhaps something to the effect of 'It was then that she noticed...'. Line Three is perfect in its simplicty, but leading up to, the second line seems like it nearly staggers under its own wieght. 'He held her hand in his and for the first time...'? But 'for the first time' in what? The first time that evening? The first time she she started talking? ... Metaphorically, the first time since he's known her?]


Most people say nothing and
She wondered if he would speak.
“I’m here for you,” he whispered,
“and…” He bit his lip, nervous.
“I love you.”


[You're missing a word in line one again: 'Most people would have said nothing...' The last line, while it is lovely in its simplicity, seems a bit too stacatto for the rest of the piece. Perhaps a repition of the previous line, as in '"and..." He bit his lip, nervous. / "And I love you."']


--


Mit viel Liebe,

Dreamy

I think it's lovely.

As it is it's a great piece, but it would be really awesome if you could put a line or two in the beginning to set the scene more. It seems like such a dramatic thing to do just anywhere; I want to know where they are.
A closet? Some hallway? A table in a seedy bar? a big loud party?

'The air was like a nerve gas:
neither he, nor she, could move.
Words seeped through trembling lips;' [This opening is beautiful. Your first line is very dramatic and the flow is really smooth. I think the line 'at last the story was told' that follows these three is rather anti climax. Also, the next little stanza makes it clear that this comes at the end of some big story. To be honest, I think your poem would work better without it.]


“…and then he raped me,” she tried.
Nothing more was to be said. [These two lines are brilliant. I wouldn't change a thing.]

It was then that she noticed
her hand was held in his
and for the first time ever [I think ever disrupts your flow here. I'm not sure why but the word just doesn't seem to fit. Perhaps it would be better to remove this sentence and then replace it with a line of description. Something like -
'her hand was held in his
and no longer was she shaking
with the pain of her ordeal.' Just a suggestion.]
she wasn’t shaking.

Most people would have said nothing
and she wondered if he would speak. [I can see that you changed this because of a suggestion by someone else but to be honest, the flow was better with your first version and then there wasn't the repetition of 'would.']
“I’m here for you,” he whispered,
“and…” He bit his lip, nervous.
“And I love you.”
[The ending was really sweet. In fact it should have been too sickening and cliched for me but somehow it wasn't so well done. In fact, you deserve a medal. Anyone who can incorporate the words 'I love you' into their work without making me cringe does.

Overall, a very well written poem that tackles a difficult subject effortlessly.

Thanks all!

Editing this seems to be a real challenge for me, the suggestions are wonderful, but then they contradict. Or, I can't find ways to fix them...

Kitty, I love the suggestion to take out at last the story was told but then the stanza feels unfinished - it needs that line, or another line, to feel finished to me. But I'd have no idea what it would be.

And then those two lines, Most people say nothing and / She wondered if he would speak. seem to be pestering me, I'm not sure how to set them up.

I'll have to think over this for a while, and stare at it. The poem was so nice, and easily written, for once it isn't the poem, it's just the lines that are giving me trouble...

i didn't really mind the free verse and i thought it was pretty good over all. it made me think but in my opinion, i feel it would be a little more effective if you put it in present tense rather in past. i think it would make it seem more like a poem than a story. but you can decide in the end what you want to do

yours
VampireBadger

Here 'goes..(sorry if it isnt too good, I wrote the crit late last night and I was tired:)

The air was like a nerve gas:
neither he, nor she, could move. [who is "he" to "her?"] Words seeped through trembling lips; [love word choice here! ^.^]
at last the story was told. [this was a beautiful opening paragraph!! I loved how well it flowed.]

“…and then he raped me,” she tried.
Nothing more was to be said. [brilliant, dont change one word!]
It was then that she noticed
her hand was held in his
and for the first time
she wasn’t shaking. [why wasn't she shaking? Maybe you could explain how she feels about him, even though it is kind of obvious. I would change "wasn't" to "was not" for the sake of the rythm.]

Most people would have said nothing
and she wondered if he would speak.
“I’m here for you,” he whispered,
“and…” He bit his lip, nervous.
“And I love you.”

This was a nice poem. You portrayed her feelings pretty well. Maybe at the beginning you could have described the setting? Just to get the feel of where they are at the moment this all is happening, since it is a big moment for them both. Just a thought! ^.~
I was kind of waiting for her to, well, burst into tears and passionatly embrace him. I'm very glad you didnt add that little cliched scene there...^.^
I wondered who he was the whole time, but at the end it was kinda obvious. I guessed it was her close friend or boyfriend. It's okay to let the reader assume here, because you told through her that she was raped. But I also thought you could have added more at the end, sice I found myself wondering what happened (like, did they search for the man who raped her? or whatever).
I overall enjoyed the stillness of the poem-the calmness and sadness after the incident.
Great job, and I am looking forward to reading more of your work! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and I will gladly answer!! ^.^

~Courtney

No time for an in-depth critique as I'm at work--I'll try to edit one in tonight when I get home. ^~

As it is, it works decently as a poem, but it feels very prose-y to me--like if you're not doing rhyming, rhythmic poetry with a set format, it comes out like a short short story with linebreaks. That said, it still worked well, but I just didn't get that impression of "poetry."

Despite that, you did a fantastic job at portraying a very emotional moment without indulging in an overdose of either sentimentality or adjectivitis.

As it is, it works decently as a poem, but it feels very prose-y to me--like if you're not doing rhyming, rhythmic poetry with a set format, it comes out like a short short story with linebreaks. That said, it still worked well, but I just didn't get that impression of "poetry.

Agreed - it's one of the reasons why this poem will probably never be a favorite of mine. And I detest poetry that is just prose in verse, but for me, the line breaks gave it more feeling than it could have had in a paragraph, if that works?

I await your extra crit'ing ^_^

Interesting poem, although, admittedly, not one of my favorites.

The rhythym seemed ackward through parts of it, and the irregular stanzas made the poem look odd and unweildy.

The air was like a nerve gas:
neither he, nor she, could move.

Interesting simile here. One wouldn't normally compare a situation like this to nerve gas, but interesting none the less.

“…and then he raped me,” she tried

the 'tried' here doesnt really work. I'd change it to 'whispered', or something like that. Tried isnt usually used for a description of speech. (although I have seen it as such on occasion)

It was then that she noticed
her hand was held in his

Again, there are rhythym problems here. Change the first line to: "Then it was she noticed that..." I think it'll flow more, and make it easier to read.

and for the first time
she wasn’t shaking.

I think something needs to be added here at the end of the first line. Put 'in quite a while' or something similar. It'll match the flow odf the rest of the stanza.

“and…” He bit his lip, nervous.

Change the last word to nervously, and get rid of the comma. Again, I think it'll flow better.

Other then these nit-picky things, I thought it was an exceptional poem, with good imagry and description. Again, Suz, another well-done, if a little disturbed, poem, worthy of YWS. Great poem!

-Pros

I love this. It's so simple and emotion filled. I didn't expect the I love you to come...but it was sweet. lol.

The air was like a nerve gas:
neither he, nor she, could move.
Words seeped through trembling lips;
at last the story was told.

**My favorite bit. Lovely beginning.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

For those two lines, you could possibly say:

Some say nothing, yet,
she wondered if he would speak.

This poem was great! I'm glad you added that extra stanza; it makes it more complete and satisfying. It's just so...cute and sweet, yet powerful, all at once.

It was then that she noticed
her hand was held in his
and for the first time
she wasn’t shaking.

So shweet.

nervous.

nervously?

The last three lines just aren't working for me. There's something there that just...doesn't belong. I can't pinpoint it. I'm thinking cliche, but it's not cliche because it gives the poem its overall sweetness. It just seems to have lost its poignancy that the other stanzas had. I'll have to think about it.

Just my two cents. Good job!

It had appeal. It's very unique. and I think what captured me is the title fit so well. A moment of healing is all healing ever is. And the "I love you" was very appropriate. I like this a lot. I know I am only an amateur, but I wanted to put in my two cents.

Ugh...

It's exceptionally-written, as usual, and the subject was rape, as normal. But this time, it was more of a romantic, Lolita-esque puzzle. My main problem is: who loves her? The rapist, or the person she just confessed to?

The beginning, I must say, was wonderful. It was so passionate-like and beautiful, but a little bit edgy, thrilling. It really drew me in, that similie.

DON'T begin with a setting--rather, have it after the fourth stanza. I also think that if you're going to do that, you might just rub away the entire last stanza. Yeah, it's good, but it's cliche and the poem is still good without it. However I know this stanza might mean a lot to you and some people, so I won't hold you to that.


Okay, gotta go!

I am really kind of busy right now so i am going to make this short, sweet and to the point. OK? I really think you could of added more to this poem because it was interesting to read.
But that is my opinion. its ok if you don't listen to me that is what a lot of people do anyway.

Gotta go now TTYL SimonCowellLuver