The Great Wheel

My brother and I wrote this together on a camping trip. The second verse is my least favorite. Suggestions?


Hail! to the uttermost fear
in Time to the Great Wheel's turning.
We sense the end drawing near
as the sands of the sea begin burning.

The Symbol up above
stamps the human fate.
In hearts once full of love
there now is burning hate.

The men from times gone by
have walked the earth once more.
The Evil now draws night
from long-forgotten lore.

The stars begin to fall
upon the prostrate mass.
The Wheel crushes all
the End has come at last.


See if you can guess what this is about. (it helps if you've read the Bible.)

S1

Hail! to the uttermost fear
in Time to the Great Wheel's turning.
We sense the end drawing near
as the sands of the sea begin burning.

1.1--"uttermost" should be "utmost."
1.2--...maybe this, in conjunction with the first line, makes sense to someone who knows the Bible. To an uninformed reader, it's completely nonsensical.
1.3-4--not half bad! I rather love that fourth line. ^_^

The Symbol up above
stamps the human fate.
In hearts once full of love
there now is burning hate.

1.2--the period at the end of this is too abrupt. I'd suggest either a dash or a semi-colon, so that it reads: "The Symbol up above / stamps the human fate; / in hearts once full of love / there now is burning hate."
1.4--reverse the order of "now is." It doesn't flow smoothly that way, and it'll trip your reader up.

The men from times gone by
have walked the earth once more.
The Evil now draws night
from long-forgotten lore.

Again, the period at the end of the second line in this stanza is far too abrupt. And again, a semi-colon would replace it beautifully, without any necessary rearranging of words. ^_^

The stars begin to fall
upon the prostrate mass.
The Wheel crushes all
the End has come at last.

So when I started this stanza, I internally groaned. "Oh no, not falling stars again! So cliche." But with the addition of "the prostrate mass," you've crafted yourself such a vivid, strong image that I had to completely rethink my initial reaction. This is the most powerful image from the poem.

The last two lines, however, are completely unnecessary; they're not strong at all, and you want your finish to be the strongest part of the poem. I'd end it with the first two lines of that stanza.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch. ^_~

I like the way this rhymes very rhythmically without sounding cheesy. A very vivid portrait of the end times. It may have been more effective to find some way to make it a little more disturbing. May be its just me, but this didn't strike fear and terror into my heart (as a poem about the end times should). Overall a nice poem, though.

Hail! to the uttermost fear
in Time to the Great Wheel's turning.
We sense the end drawing near
as the sands of the sea begin burning. you might want to replace "begin" with "start" or another one-syllable word; it seems to fit better when read aloud.

The Symbol up above what symbol? I'm sure this is a Biblical reference I'm missing out on, but a word more here might be nice.
stamps the human fate.
In hearts once full of love
there now is burning hate.

The men from times gone by
have walked the earth once more. the rest of the poem is in present tense and then this goes into some form of past [past perfect?]. I think you want "Men from times gone by/walk the earth once more" -- which besides fitting in the time frame of the poem is more immediate, direct, and freaky.
The Evil now draws night
from long-forgotten lore. I would love to see this described more; unfortunate that it wouldn't fit into the poem. How Evil draws out night and what lore -- could be the subject of another poem, or a story, or something. Out of the whole poem these two lines struck me the most as something original and sinister.

The stars begin to fall
upon the prostrate mass.
The Wheel crushes all
the End has come at last. agreed with Fand: the first two lines of this stanza are strongest while the last falls flat. Even if you turn this stanza upside down, in a sense, you should probably replace those two lines with stronger imagery.

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