Vampire

I have allowed myself to be tainted
By vampire kisses which have seized my soul
Leaving me with the undead acquainted,
Where distance could do nothing to console.
But still we could soar, the playthings of night,
And see the sodden world a different way.
Your fangs cut my skin, which once was pure white
And bid my newly-scarred heart to decay.
I cannot descend with you to your tomb
And take the timeless, light-less curse it boasts.
My passion's painted with shadows of doom,
Beneficial solely to Lachrymose.
I lament now that my soul's newly ripped,
While my soul sings of you within its crypt.

I really did enjoy it, darling, you managed to make the rhyming sceme work better than a lot of poems I've seen, and the tone of it was deffinately right on.

I'm not really a poetry critic (for something in depth ask Incan or Whence), but here are a few things I noticed:

In a couple places, the rythm didn't quite work--you tried to cram too many syllables into these two lines.

And left me with the undead acquainted,

Your fangs cut my skin, which once was pure white

Also, I think your poem would benefit a good deal if you punctuated it more--trust me, this is the advice I got on all of my poetry, and it really helped me out a great deal. Puncuation tells us where to pause, when the sentence (aka the thought or focus) is changing, and so on.

Overall, though, very good!

Hi Jasmine, another for me to critique? Don't mind if I do

Your second line is a syllable out of the sonnet format but that shouldn't be too hard to fix and your language is beautiful, very intense. In fact, I love the theme too. It sort of follows the same lines of your other work and yet it feels very different. I love how you've involved the male character more directly than you usually do.

Okay so suggestion for the line that didn't quite fit the flow. How about -

I have allowed myself to be tainted
By vampire kisses which have seized my soul

Other than that, I'm not sure about the half rhyme at the end but I love the use of 'crypt' and I don't think there's any exact rhyme for that word so don't worry about it. Overall, excellent work.

You get so limited by your rhyme scheme in this that the flow really suffers. My advice? Cut the rhyming altogether. You've got some beautiful phrases here--unbind that eloquence from its format prison, and use your language skills to their full potential.

That is to say, try making this free-form .

Aside from that, perhaps attempt something with a bit more originality to it.

Also, pick themes that are actually relatable; vampires, because they're not real, make me feel nothing all by themselves. Relate them to things I can recognize and know; things I can then relate to.

~Ed

Maybe rhyme crypt with ripped or dipped?

I agree with Ed- cut the rhyming.

Still, I really liked this peice. It gives me a (creepy, but vivid) image of what's going on. Plus... vampires are cool!

I liked this. For the most part it seemed to flow really well, but at places the rhyme seemed a little off.

Cool! I like Vampire stuff! I didn't really see anything, except your rymes were off sometimes.

LUV
crewgurl

This piece is lovely. I adore the theme.

I do have one thing to say otherwise, though.
This line just seemed a bit awkward to me:

'But still we could soar, playthings of the night,'

Try changing it to:

'But still we could soar, the playthings of night,'

I know, it's a very small thing. But to me, it makes it flow a bit better.


And again, I love this poem.
Nice job!

Loved this poem.
Reminds me of the book Twilight
in a way.
Very nice.