S.O.S.

S.O.S

She giggles and smiles,
He talks to her so sweetly
If only he knew her secret.
She loves him,
Everthing about him.
His shaggy,messy brown mop of hair,
His laughing smile,
and his dark brown eyes,
That you can see through;
to his soul and peronality

-- By Colette

I hate to point it out, but "peronality" is a typo. I don't think "him" really needs to be in italics.Other than that, I'm not sure what I can say, This has no major flaws to my mind, but I would like to see some expansion on the theme and I'd definetely take another look at imagery. This could be more original, the description of him seems a little...hmmm...what's the word? Superficial? That's not quite right, but I would like more of an insight into what makes him unique,as this didn't really come across. You don't need the semi-colon, and I'd rethink the ending.
I feel kinda bad pointing this out as I'm a total advocate for the whole "the eyes are the window to the soul" thing, but I felt the end was a bit unoriginal. By all means say this, but try to say it differently, maybe a bit more abstractly.Hope this helps.

To be honest, this one was a little plain. At the moment you could remove the line breaks and it would work as prose, albeit a very short story.

There's some potential here but I'd like to see more imagery, perhaps a more vivid description of 'him' and all his flaws. I'd like to know more of why the girl likes him and her thoughts and feelings, why she doesn't share this secret with him. The theme is good, if a little unoriginal but it needs a little work. Let me know if you ever do a re-write, good luck with this one,

Heather xx

This sounds to me like a billion other poems I've read before; it doesn't seem to go any deeper than some surface cliches and worn-out words and images. Your title (which you shouldn't underline, by the way) gives the impression that there's something more to this piece. Same with "her secret" - where were you going with that? She has a secret, but then...the poem ends with his eyes being the window to his soul. *gags* It sort of disappointed me. I wanted you to go further with this whole "secret" thing because I wanted to know too!

So how can you give this piece depth? How can you move it from simple to sophisticated?

-Get a clear image of what you're trying to express in your own head, rather than just vague emotions and loosely connected romantic images. Get to know your subject. Why does the girl love him? Where are they? What does he say so sweetly to her?

-All the stuff above was in your head...get it into the reader's head. Imagery = powerful stuff. Show the reader what this scene looks like, get some sounds into the reader's head.

-Do it in an original way. Use words you wouldn't normally associate with this kind of scene. Example: "mop of hair" is a worn-out, hackneyed phrase. Find another way to describe his looks. I wouldn't use the phrase "mop of hair" to describe anyone I actually know.

-Create complexity and ambiguity. You had something going with "her secret." Does she have any doubts about her love for him? What about his love for her? For your subjects to be the most effective, they must be real; they must have human emotions. Humans are complex. Bring that out; you're studying the relationship between two people here. Look at relationships you've been a part of or ones you've observed. Take part of real life and put it in here.

Keep at it, Colette!

-Colleen

I'm sure Colly said a lot of marvelous things. Listen to her, lol.

The title strikes me odd. Save Our Ship. But I think you chose it for the alliterations in the beginning rather than a solid title meaning.

This poem didn't really offer anything for me. It came off as flat, and didn't flow nicely. I felt nothing, I saw nothing, and I didn't care about the characters.

Sorry I couldn't say anything nicer.

Claudette wrote:I'm sure Colly said a lot of marvelous things. Listen to her, lol.

The title strikes me odd. Save Our Ship. But I think you chose it for the alliterations in the beginning rather than a solid title meaning.

1. Thank you, love.

2. I believe it also stands for "Save Our Souls" and that intrigued me because his "soul" is there at the end of the poem...if that was intended, it didn't really work. Care to elaborate, Colette? I'd love to know what the SOS was for...

-points at Claw and Coll-

They say neat stuff.


But yeah; this was all surface fluff. There was no weight behind the words, if you know what I mean. On top of the the lacking substance, this was so cliché reading it was like experiencing Déjà Vu with line breaks.


Work on originality and the potency of your phrases. Remember--every word really does count.

~Ed