Until Her Day (Sixteen)

And here is where it starts to get funky for me. I don't know what it's like to be sixteen, and I don't know what a happy family is like, my parents having divorced when I was eight.

Wow, my parents divorced when I was 8 too!!!

I did like this chapter, but not as much as the other two. I think thats because you made it too perfect, her parents are liek perfect, the boy she likes asks her out, its just too unrealistically good.

Yeah, I appologize. Hehe. It gets not-so-perfect in a bit, but I just wanted to show how it was an ideal life with a loving family and everything. Will you excuse me this once? *grins*

~Roya

I would suggest at least hinting at a conlfict in this...just to keep the reader interested.

Is a single sentence of forshadowing enough, or do I have to rewrite this? If it's only one chapter that's like this, will it really make that big of a difference? I added another sentence, if that will make a difference. Check the very end.

~Roya

Ah, one sentence like the one you added is enough. As long as you have some kind of hook, it makes it better.

Hope that helps,
Tony

Yuh, this is good! I think you did the (dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun) foreshadowing just fine. Stands to reason that it can't stay perfect.

Royboy wrote:With her chores done and permission to sit outside and read, Evie ignored the taunts of Anna...

"Anna's taunts" sounds better, and not so much like a French translation exercise.

Roya wrote:"It's beautiful," Evie muttered, fingering the edges.

I always associate "muttered" with the person saying something in an unwilling or cross way. I'd use "murmured", but your choice.

Otherwise, fine!