Until Her Day (Thirteen)

The looks of annoyed disbelief passed across the best friends' faces.

The problem with this is that you're telling us they are annoyed, when you instead should be showing us.

Instead of just saying they are annoyed, show it like this:

Ex: Anna stomped her foot on the floor as she tightened her fists. Evie wore a tight frown as she followed Anna with a stomp....

You get the idea. I never actually said they were annoyed, but it's apparent from their actions.

Sam was smart, but she wasn't smart enough to help out Anna anymore. She zipped through all her work, just from reading the book's explanations about each form of math. For the past weeks, she'd been skimming back over the algebra books, refreshing her memory and taking all the review tests in the back pages. One of her favorite things was helping the little girls with their easy math. Evie was still in the middle of her algebra book.

Same thing here. Don't just tell us they're smart. The reader might not believe you (silly, I know) but if you show, there is no reason for the reader not to think Anna's smart. An example would be turning this into a scene by itself in which Sam asks a question and Anna gets it right within seconds, while on another question Evie struggles when she is called on. Doing it this way makes everything more vivid and believable.

Her expression was that of disbelief.

Again, show us how she's in disbelief (ex: eyes wide, mouth hanging open etc.)

Evie remembered when Jackie finished all her books, but that was at least four years ago. The next week, she was adopted by a couple who couldn't have children and felt sorry for Jackie being so couped up with such young girls.

You're infodumping too much about the past. It's breaking the action and makes the reader lose interest. If the information is not absolutely relevant to the story's conflict, please cut it out. Random bits of info will do nothing but distract your readers.

Anna raised an eyebrow. "Because I'm smart?" she asked
sarcastically,

Since you mentioned her raised eyebrow, her tone becomes clear. You don't need to mention "sarcastically".



The ending was good, you have interesting conflicts going on. I liked how at the end she adopted them both, it gives a warm feeling Anyways, keep writing!

Hope that helps,
Tony

I like this a lot! Once again.
Um...let's see. One awkward part that I didn't like:

"Regaining reason, Sam told Anna to wait a few minutes while she finished helping Natasha with her math."

Regaining reason...hmm. Doesn't sound right. Try, 'recovering herself' or a different phrase that's a little less...I don't know. Dramatic. 'Regaining reason' is like what someone does when they've been in the mental hospital for three years and are slowly regaining their reason. Sam is experiencing momentary shock.

Sam is a real...well, it rhymes with 'witch'. I like the way you portray the girls...they really come across as thirteen-year-olds. Excellent.

The only subjects they are taking are grammar, math and science? Wouldn't they have other classes as well? Isn't there some kind of law about schooling for children, even in orphanages? Try adding a couple of other subjects, like English and Music or something.

Another thing...why is it that Sam can only help the very young children? Isn't she a teacher? If not, then why is she teaching? And why couldn't they hire a teacher who knew what they were doing enough to teach a thirteen-year-old?

Anyway, just some technical curiosity I have. Sorry this little crit turned out so long! I truly enjoyed it...keep posting?

Yours I remain,

I really liked it, there were some awkward parts but overall it had me interested in the characters and wanting to read more.

Gracias, merci, thank you. I messed around with the wording in some places and took your suggestions. I'm glad you all like it. I was expecting a totaly bored reaction, so this is cool. XD I hope this is up to standards now, and I'll take any other crits, especially brutal ones. I find the brutal ones quite helpful...

EDIT: I told you I got off the point--I started fixing something else and forgot about that. She banished her momentary astonishment! *blushes and pretends she didn't forget to finish her sentence*

Well, until then!
~Roya

~Roy

Ah, something I think was a mistake, that doensn't make sense here:

"Closing her mouth and banishing , Sam told Anna to wait a few minutes while she finished helping Natasha with her math."

Tee hee...closing her mouth and banishing WHAT? It's a good start to the phrase, though. As for the other changes and editing, good job. I liked it.
Post your other chapter too!

Yours as usual,

I AM SO ANGRY IT IS NOT FUNNY. I just worte the hugest critique and it took me forever and now it is gone. I'll try again shall I?

"ANNA!" Evie screamed at the top of her lungs. She would pay for that later

How about: She knew she would pay for it later. I like it that way better.

The two of them would have laughed till their eyes teared up, but they were interrupted by Sam stomping down the hall, rebuking them for their misconduct.

I think it works better like:
The two of them would have laughed till their eyes teared up, but they were interrupted. Sam stomped down the hall, shouting as she bore down on them.

Now I'm not really recommending my choice of words but I like the pause before you introduce Sam again.

Sam said the same phrase so many times that it was no longer at the point of repetition, but an annoying habit.

I don't know exactly why but I don't like the 'point of repetition' bit, I get what you mean (I think) but try and find a way of saying it differently.

Evie's mouth fell agape, and Anna blinked, ultimately finding herself unable to react.

Although I like the word Agape, I don't think it works here, maybe you should change it to 'fell open.' I know its plainer but I think it works better, unless you find a way of using 'agape' without the word 'fell' beofre it.

"After six, you will stay in the bedroom," Sam said, finalizing their punishment. The girls groaned as Sam walked off, obviously enjoying their torture. "That starts today. Go back to the classroom," she said.

I don't really like the last part of the sentence, I don't think Sam would walk away and call something back to them without turning around, when she could take a good look at these girls, having pleasure in the knowledge that she'd annoyed them so much.

They followed the assistant back to the third door on the left.

This may be a dumb question but who is the assistant, is it Sam?

Inside, three rows of defaced desks occupied the space, surrounded by bookshelves with even more graffitied books.

Even more graffitied books - Does this refer to the fact that the books are even more graffitied than the desks? If so, then I think you should find a way of making the meaning more clear.

Sitting down in their seats at the back of the classroom, Sam started putting out books for each girl.

Maybe: They sat down in their seats at the back of the classroom while Sam started putting...

easy math

Maybe: simple math

Sam usually stayed away from Anna and Evie, knowing full well that Anna would help her friend, never having any questions of her own.

I think it would work better like:
Sam usually stayed away from Anna and Evie, knowing full well that Evie would get any help she needed from her friend. Anna never having any questions about the work.

I know thats not perfect but I think its better broken into two sentences and emphasising that it is Anna who never has a problem with the work.

Evie, Anna, and Hannah, who was closest to their age at eleven years old, each shared the bigger science book, even though there were plenty of the easy books for the other girls.

Evie, Anna, and Hannah, who was closest to their age at eleven years old, each shared the bigger science book, but there were plenty of the easy books for the other girls.

All of the girls were considerably younger than Evie and Anna, and Sam could still help them reasonably with their studies. They ranged from five years old and just learning to write to the only ten year old, Hannah, who shared the big science book with the two older girls, but wasn't reading harder books just yet.

Just a question, is Hannah ten or eleven?
Also I think you should giv e the big science book a name, you refer to it like three times and it gets a bit boring calling it the big science book all the time.

Anna hopped up and smiled at her friend. "I'm outta here," she said as the assistant started to return to the front of the room again. Evie tried to smile too, but she already felt lonely watching her companion walk out of the room with a bounce in her step, curls rolling across her back.

You've already said that Anna likes helping the younger girls with math and I would think that even if Sam didn't know this she would enlist Anna's help in helping the younger girls.

After dinner, which Evie could hardly touch from disgust, the two girls went upstairs to bask in their punishment.

I like the end of this sentence, but not the bit when you say Evie could hardly touch her dinner. Maybe you could show her staring at her unfinished dinner, then going with Anna to their room or something.

Evie made her way through beds to her own underneath the window.

Maybe: Evie made her way through the beds to her own, underneath the window.

"I'm just..." she started, but was unable to finish her sentence. An empty feeling started to grip her stomach.

Maybe: an empty feeling gripped her stomach

"You're worried I won't be friends with you any more?" she asked.

Evie wasn't ever interested in what she was writing, nor was she now.

Maybe: Evie had never been interested in what she was writing. The events of the day didn't change anything.

I like the never instead of wasn't ever.

For a minute, all that could be heard was the taps of the pen Anna stole from Sam's room.

Taps of the pen? Is Anna writing or just tapping her pen. I think should put "the pen that Anna..."

Every girl in the orphanage learned to steal from Sam, but only a select few could more than a gray hair from Ms. Addy's desk.

I think this is an awkward sentence, not readily understood.

"No, Anna. Listen to me." Anna put down the pen and placed it beside her journal, bought with some spare change saved up from around the house and spent at a nearby convenience store.

Anna put down the pen and placed it beside her precious journal. She had saved up so long to buy it, collecting any change she could find.

Yes I know that is not particularly good, but I think you need to change the wording about her journal.

Anna went on, straightforward as ever, "Yes. We've been together since we were seven years old. If you separate us now, I'll only go kicking and screaming."

You've already said kicking and screming. Try saying something else like:
If you separate us now, I'll hate you forever" Probably something different will work better, but I think you get what I'm pointing out.


Anyway, I really do like your story, I love your characters and I'm just pointing out where I think you can improve it. I hope you find it helpful

Oh, thanks so much! I love it when people attack my writing. Haha, I'm not being sarcastic. And I've had that happed to me three times on the same crit. It logged me out just as I clicked submit--three times in a row! I was, like, throwing stuff at the computer, but I wrote up a fourth anyway. I knew what I was going to say because I'd said it three times already. haha.

Yes, Sam is the assistant.

I'll go back and fix it up, then. Gracias, merci, thank you!

~Roya

Well, it would seem that it's all already been taken care of eh? That blows, but hey, it's work off my load right?

Anyways it's really sweet, in the est cheesy way. =D Really sweet, I love it.

-JC