She still waits

I pass her on the way to school,
every single day.
Every morning I see her there,
whether I'm early or I'm late.
Her hairstyle never changes,
or the expression on her face,
and everytime I see her,
she's sitting in the same place.
The single tear she's always crying,
leaves a mark on her cheek,
a pack of gum in her hand
but not once does she eat a piece.
I see her on the way to school each and every day,
but then I moved to collage and travelled a different way.
But one day I came back,
I saw her sitting at the bus stop,
the same place that she always sat.
My curiosity won me over,
I really had to know,
what made the lady sit there
and keep everything just so?
She said this is where met here boyfriend,
back when she was young.
Him and her would get together
and always have such fun.
She wears her hair just how he likes it,
keeps his favorite smile on her face,
keeps a packet of his favorite gum,
and sits in their meeting place.
I asked her where her boyfriend is
and why she always cries.
She said that tear always escapes,
no matter how hard she tries,
because as she sits here waiting,
each day gets a little bit older,
and as she sits here waiting,
her heart grows a little bit colder.
The army says her boyfriends missing in action,
most probably dead.
But she refuses to believe he's gone forever
so she sits and waits instead.
I don't see this lady anymore,
she stopped coming one day.
But though her body's someplace else,
I know her spirit still waits.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________


Once again, every little helps, so leave a comment, please

the language was boring. . .I don't know. That's my only real complaint. The story is, of course, sad. Spice it up, maybe. Make it sadder, make the work lonier, make it more hysterical, make it more peaceful, whatever. Just make it more without making it more words.

hmmmmm...
Thanks, I'll see what I can do...

That was...different...err...yeah.

Sorry to say this, but it was kind of boring at points. I didn't really get the topic and what you are trying to write about. Is it something that happened, or a simile? Too sad for me, I think. You should really change it to a bit (BIT!) happier poem, so the reader wants to read on.

I think this should either be changed and lengthened and made into a story, or the wording should be rearranged a little and made more colorful... just my thoughts...

or maybe i'll just stick to schizo people jumping off buildings (lol).
thanks for the comments though, it's nice knowing people can actually be bothered to write something.

have a nice day
~blue~

your poem was so cool! i know i am reading it many days after it was actually posted, but i really wanted to review it.

I see her on the way to school each and every day,

but then I moved to collage and travelled a different way.

I think the spelling of college is wrong.

this was the only flaw i could find in the poem!
your poem is so well written and so engrossing! the best thing i like in your poem is that it is written in such a easy and lucid language, not in a unintelligible one!

But she refuses to believe he's gone forever

so she sits and waits instead.

I don't see this lady anymore,

she stopped coming one day.

But though her body's someplace else,

I know her spirit still waits.

these were my favorite lines in the poem...
they deeply reflect the intensity of the lady's love for her boyfriend.
These lines were really moving.

The other thing i liked about your poem was that in it, no excessive use of any grammatic tool was made.

Narrative poetry is my favorite section of poetry, and in this section, i found your poem one of the best written poems here!

WOW.That was such a sad and beautifull story. Is a true story? This is defenently one of the best narrative poems i have ever read. The story is so real. A real love story in a way. I love how it really catches the readers attention in the begining, and keeps their curiosity of what this lady is doing until the end. One nit-pick: all the lines are capitalized when only sentances should be.

I don't see this lady anymore,
she stopped coming one day.
But though her body's someplace else,
I know her spirit still waits.

That is the most romantic part of the story. Hope to see more of your poems soon.

Hmm, I like the story here, emotional (it's sad!), but the poem's style is a little boring. I think you need to add more imagery, integrate some interesting word usage, or something like that. Also you need to split it up. It's just one long chunk of words, kind of arduous on the eyes.

I hope to see a revision of this, it's very nice!

Hey there, I liked this.
I don't think it was "boring", "cliche", "blah blah blah." Cope-out critiques. That's what's boring. Not helpful to building an instructive, responsive community.

I thought it was interesting. Reminded me of the heart of a lot of American writing in the 40s and 50s. Some grammar was - bluntly - pretty off, made me want to ask - is English not your first language? Or, was it carelessness. You'll probably get a better response if you can eliminate more of those simple errors before sharing.

The title threw me off at first, came into it expecting a...pre-Raphaelite/ Shaekspearian atmosphere, and met the iron edge of the shadow the depression, war, the economy has left on the U.S.

Didn't love it or hate it. It would be neat if illustrated.

Grammatical and Spelling errors:

I pass her on the way to school,

every single day.

Every morning I see her there,

whether I'm early or I'm late.

Her hairstyle never changes,

or the expression on her face,

and EVERY TIME I see her,

she's sitting in the same place.

The single tear she's always crying,

leaves a mark on her cheek,

a pack of gum in her hand

but not once does she eat a piece.

I see her on the way to school each and every day,

but then I moved to collage and TRAVELED a different way.

But one day I came back,

I saw her sitting at the bus stop,

the same place that she always sat.

My curiosity won me over,

I really had to know,

what made the lady sit there

and keep everything just so?

She said this is where SHE MET HER boyfriend,

back when she was young.

Him and her (THEY?) would get together

and always have such fun.

She wears her hair just how he likes it,

keeps his favorite smile on her face (my favorite line.),

keeps a packet (pack) of his favorite gum,

and sits in their meeting place.

I asked her where her boyfriend is

and why she always cries.

She said that tear always escapes,

no matter how hard she tries,

because as she sits here waiting,

each day gets a little bit older,

and as she sits here waiting,

her heart grows a little bit colder.

The army says her BOYFRIEND'S missing in action,

most probably dead.

But she refuses to believe he's gone forever

so she sits and waits instead.

I don't see this lady anymore,

she stopped coming one day.

But though her body's someplace else,

I know her spirit still waits.

I enjoyed your poem. I thought it was very cool.

I really liked this poem. I thought that it flowed fairly well and the rhyme fit well too. Well done,
~Poem

I know I'm kind of late to review, but I loved this poem- would you mind if I copied it down and slept with it under my pillow...please?

Just one thing...

She said this where met here boyfriend,

'met here boyfriend,'?

Otherwise, keep writing- I need some inspiration.

I liked the way the poem folds as a story from the beginning to the end.

This is among one of the few pieces that I can say are perfect and need no reversion.No problem with grammar as that is not what someone would really complain about.Brush it up once and it would be enough.

Gold star stuff.