Love is in the internet

This was good and very sweet, I might add. But I had a slight problem with your rhyming and flow in some of the verses.

The rhythm was a little jumpy in some places and a bit broken, which made it harder for me to read, so maybe revise this?

Altogether though, I really liked this. ^^

Reyu,


Beside the trite subject matter, it seems like you have put forth more effort in defending this trash than you did actually writing it. See the problem?

The ice on this pond is thin.


All the best,
Brad

deleted

I'd try this again, without the rhyme, and see what happens, because I think that you're getting very restricted by, and, as has been pointed out, some of it is very forced.
Your rhythm is out in places. I'd try reading this aloud and listening to the beat of each line, so that you can see which points need to be shortend or lengthend.
I'd try to channel your emotions into this a bit more and employ better use of imagery.
Other than that, I think a lot of good points have been made about this, and are worth at least considering. Good luck with your next draft.