Until Her Day (Seven)

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Last edited by Royboy on Sun Oct 28, 2007 10:10 pm, edited 5 times in total.




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One point:

"Why do you cause so much trouble?" she asked, slightly grinning in the dim light at Evie's resistance to Sam. Every other child had gone to sleep and Anna had been left to ponder the rude comments Evie had thrown at the assistant.


We've already experienced the scene where Evie badmouths Sam. So what? The problem is that you're bringing it up again unnecessarily. Since the reader already knows what happened, they'll have no doubts as to why she's asking the question. I would suggest ending the sentence after "grinning". The rest of the sentence and the whole of the second sentence are mainly irrelevant to the story at this point. Don't let any part of your story live in the past. It only breaks the flow.

As for the rest, it was good, so not much else to comment on. :D

Hope that helps,
Tony
Last edited by Black Ghost on Sat Jul 07, 2007 8:05 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Ha! I like this. They are very intelligent seven year olds, and Evie is bitter for one so young! It seems like she would be more confused and bewildered than bitter. I mean, if she's exceptionally intelligent, that's fine. But a very good beginning all in all!

pm me if you continue. I'd like to read it!
Yours always, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




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"Evie," she said just as quietly.

Just as quietly as what? You don't mention volume at any point before hand, so scratch it here.

Jackie, a scrawny little girl that looked about ten and pulling on a pair of grimy pants,

Missing word. should be, and was pulling on a pair of grimy pants...

It was as if the house had a respect for her

Great line

group together to form a group

You say group twice here. Try replacing one with a synonym. =D


This was really good. I liked how sweet it was, while still maintaining the air of bitterness. Hard things to balance, and you do that well. There isn't much for me to say that wouldn't be praise, so I'll leave it here.

Good job. Keep up the good work!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Oops, my bad. This was about double what it is now, but then I realized that the entire beginning was a load of crap. XD So there's a bit I didn't quite fix.

Thanks for reading!

~Roya
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